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Escalator Etiquette While on a Bulk

On my way down into the subway this morning, a man - I want to say he was in his early 30s - brushes past me and scoffs, “pssht, who stands on the down escalator?”

I was so taken aback by this rudeness.  HOW DARE HE!  He doesn’t know me.  What if I am injured?  What if I had luggage?  What if I wasn’t a very athletic and perfectly capable human male?  Get off my dick bro.

"Pssht, who stands on the down escalator?” he says in passing.
I managed to blurt out, “NO CARDIO BRO!"  and I immediately wish I had said something more clever.  I yelled it at him too.  And I said it with such blind (‘roid) rage that I imagine I looked something like Caesar from Planet of the Apes - irrational spittle flying everywhere: 

No way I am letting these gains fall down the escalator.  Not today.  Maybe on a cut, but not today.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 


Building a Solid Supplement Stack

Alan Thrall’s Supplement Stack is Xtreme:

Nobody wants fat muscle.  You want LEAN muscle.

 
12 notes

Posted at 2:32pm
Tagged Alan Thrall Supplements

 


Jeff “Dickhead” King

Jeff King was an American amateur bodybuilder in the 1980s… fascinating. 

You don’t even have to squint, he just looks like the head of a penis.

I don’t like how that dickhead is smiling at me - makes me feel uncomfortable.

Jeff King looks oddly reminiscent of this guy:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
5 notes

Posted at 2:27am
Tagged bodybuilding bodybuilders dickhead

 


Have Your Cake And Eat It Too (Comic)

The following comic from Cyanide & Happiness was brought to my attention:

Before anybody starts feeling sad that they aren’t eating cake, take into consideration the author of this comic: Dave McElfatrick.

His name is, quite literally, ELF - FAT - TRICK.  And that is exactly what this comic is: an Elf’s Fat Trick.  Dave McElfatrick is nothing more than a tubby turd who is tricking only himself and other self-loathing individuals into thinking that short term gratification outweighs the immense feeling of self-worth garnered by those who are swole of body and mind.

Sorry Dave, nobody here at Two Scoops is going to fall for your elvish Fat Tricks.  We know the true meaning of happiness isn’t found within a pile of flour, butter, and sugar.  True happiness is found within - within our gloriously well muscled bodies.  And the only way to put that happiness within your self, is through self improvement, not self indulgence.

Dave, you can have your cake, and eat it too.  I don’t want cake, I want washboard abs and biceps that make it impossible for me to touch my own shoulders.

So while you, and others like you, try to justify your sloth-like, gluttonous existence by shaming those who take pride in themselves, we shall rise above… by editing your stupid butthead comic in MS Paint and posting it on Two Scoops:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
 


I Bought A Tub of NO-Xplode from Rob Ford

I found this crystal in my tub of NO-Xplode:  

What do you think the street value of this rock would be?

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

 
16 notes

Posted at 12:19pm
Tagged Supplements NO-Xplode Crack

 


How SportsDock Gym Lost All of Its Integrity

If this website endorsed gyms, or anything for that matter, then I would revoke our endorsement of SportsDock Gym - effective immediately.

Replacing a proper weightlifting platform with a Smith Machine should be punishable by Tar and Protein Powdering.

I’ll pour out some of my protein shake today for our brethren who belong to this ill-fated establishment.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
4 notes

Posted at 5:33pm
Tagged Weightlifting weight lifting

 


29 notes

Posted at 4:08pm
Reblogged (Photo reblogged from strongblrr)
Tagged Mike Tyson beastmode

 


And to make matters worse, he is wearing jeans and polo shirt buttoned to the top.

6 notes

Posted at 1:30pm
Tagged Noob

 


10 notes

Posted at 1:24pm
Tagged Two Scoops

 


Police Called On Grunting Bodybuilder

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Whoop whoop!  That’s the sound of the gains!

YouTube Description - A guy that just came to my sponsored gym (Miami Fitness) said I was disrespecting him by grunting while lifting 150lb Dumbbells so he called the police. The cops showed up in 5 minutes and saw that it was me and laughed. They said that they grunt when they workout and told the guy he needs to go to 24 hour fitness or Planet Fitness. Everything ended up fine and I finished my training session.

This video is so beefy, I didn’t need to eat a second lunch after watching it.  Is Kali Muscle yelling at the weights, at his spotter, or at the guy filming?  Who is filming?  Is all that yelling really necessary?    Yes, yes it is necessary - 150 lb dumbbells aren’t going to lift themselves.  

First, you have to make sure you are, in fact, lifting 150 lb dumbbells.  Hence all the confirmation grunting: “150 das all. They real? Are dose da real ones?”   Everybody knows that gyms hide fake dumbbells throughout their racks to confuse or boost the egos of their patrons.  Kali sees right through that shit.  You can’t just go ahead and assume that the number of the dumbbell is the real weight of the dumbbell, that is a fool’s game.

Second, you have to slap yourself into beast mode, which is why Kali asks to enter the mindspace known as “Slap City.”

And finally, you have to yell your weights to the top.  Every experienced lifter knows that yelling at your weights adds 5 lbs to your max.  

Kali was doing everything by the book, so the fact that a guy called the cops on him is unsettling.  This can not become an accepted course of action versus those worshipers of Brodin who have entered the halls of Slap City.

I don’t care if Kali Muscle was monopolizing that gym’s acoustics to the detriment of other gym goer’s concentration.  If you are the biggest dude in the gym, you better fucking sound like it too.  

This is all really the gym’s fault; don’t carry 150 lb dumbbells if you can’t also accept the men who can lift them.  

"Bring me the ones wit da dust on ‘em!"

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
18 notes

Posted at 6:01pm
Tagged Kali Muscle