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The 1-Day Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0

super jack3d xplopsion cleanse

Confession time: I am on a cleanse.  I know what you are thinking, “what has gone so terribly wrong in your life Uncle Tony, that you had to go on a cleanse?”

I got to be honest, I’m just tired of it all.  It is tough work trying to be so fucking shredded all the time.  The 4 meals a day that consist of nothing but powder.  The heavy lifting on a caloric deficit   The heavy house music and heavy drinking every weekend.  The 5 day weekends.  The strict diet of meat and rice.  My body can’t take it anymore!  I haven’t had a fucking vegetable in 3 months… MONTHS.  

I need to flush out the bad, and get shredded as hell, so I am going on a cleanse.  I call it the Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0.

The Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Recipe

This cleanse is a power cleanse for only the most hardcore athletes.  You must begin the cleanse by fasting for at least 2 hours.  That means no food, only water and protein shakes for TWO FULL HOURS.  

Now that your stomach is empty, you are ready to begin preparing the magical elixir that gives this cleanse its name:

First, take two pounds of fresh vegetables: kale, carrots, broccoli, spinach, and cucumbers… throw them away.  Now, take 2 scoops of SuperPump MAX, 2 scoops of Jack3d, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0, and a dash of cinnamon and stir into a gallon of whole milk that has been pre-saturated with four scoops of whey protein (it doesn’t matter what flavor whey - the combination of pre-workouts is going to give your taste buds autism anyway).  Remember to stir all these ingredients together.  DO NOT SHAKE.  

no-xplode and jacked

The back of the NO-Xplode tub clearly states that you should stir the ingredients, DO NOT SHAKE.  Obviously, this stipulation exists because, when mixed with water via shaking, NO-Xplode becomes unstable.  More specifically, NO-Xplode’s stability is compromised when the delicate PhD imbalance created by the proprietary creatine matrix begins oscillations from shaker cup mixology techniques.  The oscillating PhD levels cause insurmountable levels of volatile bowel instability which can result in involuntary release.  DO NOT SHAKE!

With this in mind, it is best to stir all of your ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

Ingredients & Materials

  • 1 large mixing bowl
  • 1 large spatula or spoon
  • 2 scoops SuperPump MAX
  • 2 scoops of Jack3d
  • 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 
  • 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0
  • 4 scoops Whey Protein
  • 1 Gallon of whole milk
  • Cinnamon

 

Once you have stirred all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, your cleanse “juice” should resemble the inside of a vinegar and baking soda volcano; the “juice” should be frothy, discolored, and the smell should be uncomfortable, but not unsettling.

Funnel your Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse Juice back into the gallon jug the milk came in.  Enjoy!

Bring the jug everywhere you go and sip on it throughout the morning.  By noon you will have pooped 3 times, GUARANTEED, and by the time you finish the cleanse, you will feel SUPERHUMAN.

This shit really works!  Take it from me, Tony Muscoli, because I firmly stand behind all the shit I make up.

Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Easy Step-by-Step Guide

  1. Mix 4 scoops of whey with whole milk
  2. Stir in 2 scoops each of SuperPump MAX, Jack3d, NO-Xplode, and NO-Xplode 2.0
  3. Add a dash of cinnamon
  4. Stir, let settle for 5 minutes.
  5. Pour mixture into gallon jug
  6. Drink throughout morning
  7. Shit yourself
  8. …?
  9. Be a superhero

 
Actual Cleanse user (Results May Vary).

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
7 notes

Posted at 8:03am
Tagged Supplements Cleanse Protein

 


291 notes

Posted at 12:10pm
Reblogged (Photo reblogged from fightforever6)
Tagged Bodybuilding Massif Memes

 


Yo, Can I Get A Spot?

I was at the gym yesterday, and for the first time in my life, I got turned down when asking for a spot.  

I went to the gym during my lunch break so I wasn’t surrounded by the usual 5pm Meathead Rush Hour.  The lack of swole was highly apparent when I had to stoop to asking a scrawny, “outdoor adventure guide” looking dude to spot my heavy bench sets.  

I figured it was a shoe in.  Obviously a guy with 13 inch biceps, a bandanna,  and those abysmal toe shoes would be honored to spot all the might mass of Tony Two Scoops… right?


My potential spotter looked kind of like Channing Tatum here… handsome but toolish foolish.

I was wrong.  I asked the hippy, “would you mind helping me out with a spot real quick?”  
  And do you know what the little shithead said to me?  ”No.  Sorry man, I don’t do that.
Oh, you don’t do that?  This isn’t fucking heroin buddy, this is a spot.  You are literally helping somebody improve their lives by assuring they don’t crush their chest cavity whilst they work to better themselves.

Spotting somebody is one of the most efficient acts of kindness one can oblige upon a stranger.  It takes no more than 60 seconds of your time,  that person is sincerely grateful to you, and the only side effect is that you may feel obligated to say “hi” to that person next time you make eye contact with them at the gym.

If you have ever turned down a spot for any reason less than “sorry, but this preworkout shitstorm is coming RIGHT NOW,” then you are an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
17 notes

Posted at 10:33am

 


6 notes

Posted at 3:12pm
Tagged Muscle Meme

 


Iceland Fitness Babes Do a Harlem Shake Video

Good.  I’m glad that Iceland Fitness made this video because now nobody else has a reason to make another Harlem Shake video.  I think 2,500 videos is enough right?  

I think we are all obligated to watch every single one in order to compare it to the other 2,499 Harlem Shake videos, and I can’t get anything done if people keep making these fucking things.  

Can we all agree that hot foreign girls in tiny spandex are a nice icing on the cake?  Fad over?  Yes?  

 iceland fitness model

Now please don’t make any more of these videos so I can go masturbate to the blonde in the squat rack without interruption.  She is pretty far in the background so it takes a lot of concentration.

Thank you.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 


Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep: CT Fletcher

If you’ve never heard me say it, I’ll say it again: you can only curl in the squat rack if you are going to rep two plates or more.  We are talking a 135 pound minimum…  

CT Fletcher is allowed to curl in the squat rack.  In fact, CT Fletcher is allowed to do whatever he wants really, because I sure as hell ain’t going to get in his way.  I wasn’t even talking shit, but I still got scared when I was sitting on the couch blogging and he says, “what the fuck you gone do besides sit on the couch and talk shit?  You hip-having ass, you punk poop butt motherfucker.”  I am not entirely sure what his insult was, but it sounded like “punk poop butt motherfucker,” and it sounded fucking mean.  Black people are so cool.

The man is a beast:

image

CT Fletcher Stats:

  • 3x Drug-Free Bench Press World Champion
  • Best Competition Bench Press: 650 lbs (725 lbs in the gym)
  • Strict Curl Record of 225 lbs (“strict curl” has head, back, and posterior in contact with the wall behind the lifter)
  • Tookie Williams was his idol growing up

.

That should give you an idea as to who CT Fletcher is, and if you don’t like it, than “fuck you.”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 


11 notes

Posted at 10:44am
Tagged Squats Hot Girls Working Out

 


A Picture of a Bunch of Brazilian Girls in Tiny Spandex Working Out

Pretty much what the title says:


What the gym looks like the day after Valentine’s Day.

A good blogger would post this picture and then provide some backstory.  A good blogger would tell you all about what gym this is, and where you can find one near you, and inform y’all as to why there are so many fine ass hunnies working their glutes all over this photograph… but not this blogger.  Not Tony.  I don’t have the time, nor the energy to find out more about this picture (too busy jerkin’ it).

So just look at it the picture; marvel at its surrealism. 

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hold CTRL, SHIFT, and hit “+” to zoom in.

 
3 notes

Posted at 4:56pm
Tagged Hot Girls Working Out

 


Top 3 Valentine’s Day Articles for MEN

Valentine’s Day can be tough for us hardened meatheads.  Everywhere you go it’s pink and red and hearts and kisses and estrogen and it makes my balls smaller.  

OMG! Happy Valentine’s Day <3 lmao :-P MWA

To help save you from this mess of Hallmark menstruation, here are some Valentine’s Day articles that won’t make you cringe:

Top 3 Valentine’s Day Articles for MEN:

  1. Preparing a Protein Packed Romantic Meal
  2. The Day After Valentine’s Day (At The Gym)
  3. The Best of ChickenTuna’s Butt
 
1 note

Posted at 11:24am

 


What Are Good Supplements for Kids Under 18?

child deadlifting like a boss

At 1:20am this morning, I received this inquiry from a younger Two Scooper:

hollister01922 - I’ve always wanted to be big I’m 14 and weigh 164 lbs, I know small right, but I bench the most in my grade level maxing out at 200lbs, am I on the right track ? I’m also 5’9. Doesn’t hurt to start early huh? But I know some of these supplements aren’t for my body just yet but could you recommend any?

My first reaction is to say, this kid is smart, and he is strong.  He is already benching 120+% of his bodyweight and is only 14 years old.  His grammar and punctuation could use a little work, but that will come with 8th Grade English.  Not to mention, he has the wherewithal to stay away from powerful supplements that may interfere with his body’s natural growth process.

midget overhead presses 225lbs

My advice to hollister01922, and any other younger Two Scoopers out there, would be to stick to real food.  Supplement your diet with two scoops of whey protein post-workout,… and pre-workout… and for breakfast, and also with lunch, dinner, and before bed.  And if you need a boost of energy before you train, drink coffee.  A multi-vitmain, creatine, and BCAAs won’t hurt you, but focus on eating a lot of natural foods while your body is still growing and adapting, puberty-ing, and having wet dreams.

You are in the prime of your life, your body is releasing growth hormones and testosterone like a motherfucker.  Your body can grow and heal faster than it every will be able to again.  All us older meatheads know that once you hit a certain age, your hormone levels and energy levels aren’t what they once were.  This is why we take supplements, to make us feel better about aging (also they make us huger).

Nature itself has given young lifters (under the arbitrary age of 18) all the tools they need to get big.  Eat clean, train hard, take Two Scoops of whey, murder people on the JV Football field, and you’ll be a Middle School BEAST.

But then I got this message from hollister01922 17 minutes later at 1:37am:

hollister01922 - Ayee tony, read your blog sounds good , much better than mine I’m only 15 and 5’9 and weigh 165 but I max out (bench) at 215 lbs. I’m on a good path right? Never too early right ? But I also know some supplements are too powerful for my body could you recommend some for me?

If your reading comprehension skills are good, you will notice that in the span of 17 minutes, hollister01922 became one year older, one pound heavier, and his max bench increased by 15lbs.  

This means that whatever advice I am giving to 14 year olds is dogshit compared to what this kid knows.  If you can increase your max bench by 15lbs in 17 minutes, don’t listen to me, just keep doing whatever it is you are doing (which I assume is taking Two Scoops).

child's toy bench press looks kind of awesome but also gay

Either that, or this kid was drunk and I am right.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
7 notes

Posted at 12:04pm