Confession time: I am on a cleanse. I know what you are thinking, “what has gone so terribly wrong in your life Uncle Tony, that you had to go on a cleanse?”
I got to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. It is tough work trying to be so fucking shredded all the time. The 4 meals a day that consist of nothing but powder. The heavy lifting on a caloric deficit The heavy house music and heavy drinking every weekend. The 5 day weekends. The strict diet of meat and rice. My body can’t take it anymore! I haven’t had a fucking vegetable in 3 months… MONTHS.
I need to flush out the bad, and get shredded as hell, so I am going on a cleanse. I call it the Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0.
The Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Recipe
This cleanse is a power cleanse for only the most hardcore athletes. You must begin the cleanse by fasting for at least 2 hours. That means no food, only water and protein shakes for TWO FULL HOURS.
Now that your stomach is empty, you are ready to begin preparing the magical elixir that gives this cleanse its name:
First, take two pounds of fresh vegetables: kale, carrots, broccoli, spinach, and cucumbers… throw them away. Now, take 2 scoops of SuperPump MAX, 2 scoops of Jack3d, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0, and a dash of cinnamon and stir into a gallon of whole milk that has been pre-saturated with four scoops of whey protein (it doesn’t matter what flavor whey - the combination of pre-workouts is going to give your taste buds autism anyway). Remember to stir all these ingredients together. DO NOT SHAKE.
The back of the NO-Xplode tub clearly states that you should stir the ingredients, DO NOT SHAKE. Obviously, this stipulation exists because, when mixed with water via shaking, NO-Xplode becomes unstable. More specifically, NO-Xplode’s stability is compromised when the delicate PhD imbalance created by the proprietary creatine matrix begins oscillations from shaker cup mixology techniques. The oscillating PhD levels cause insurmountable levels of volatile bowel instability which can result in involuntary release. DO NOT SHAKE!
With this in mind, it is best to stir all of your ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.
Ingredients & Materials
- 1 large mixing bowl
- 1 large spatula or spoon
- 2 scoops SuperPump MAX
- 2 scoops of Jack3d
- 2 scoops of NO-Xplode
- 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0
- 4 scoops Whey Protein
- 1 Gallon of whole milk
Once you have stirred all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, your cleanse “juice” should resemble the inside of a vinegar and baking soda volcano; the “juice” should be frothy, discolored, and the smell should be uncomfortable, but not unsettling.
Funnel your Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse Juice back into the gallon jug the milk came in. Enjoy!
Bring the jug everywhere you go and sip on it throughout the morning. By noon you will have pooped 3 times, GUARANTEED, and by the time you finish the cleanse, you will feel SUPERHUMAN.
This shit really works! Take it from me, Tony Muscoli, because I firmly stand behind all the shit I make up.
Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Easy Step-by-Step Guide
- Mix 4 scoops of whey with whole milk
- Stir in 2 scoops each of SuperPump MAX, Jack3d, NO-Xplode, and NO-Xplode 2.0
- Add a dash of cinnamon
- Stir, let settle for 5 minutes.
- Pour mixture into gallon jug
- Drink throughout morning
- Shit yourself
- Be a superhero
Actual Cleanse user (Results May Vary).
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli