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Tony Horton Can Suck It.

Yeah I said it.  Tony Horton can SUCK IT.  Where the fuck does Tony Horton get off? walking around being a “man of the people” trying to get America fit one day at a time.  Fuck that shit.  What kind of real meathead tries to help a nation of field mice and fat asses get in shape and get fit?!  Being a meathead is about being bigger, and strong than everybody around you.  I go to the gym to show the average people how much more I can bench press than them:

"Oh, you aren’t looking at my deltoid out of the corner of your eye?  How about I grunt really loudly so you look over at how many plates are on my barbell you twig."

Well that shit doesn’t fucking work if Tony Horton is going around teach people to get “X”-cited about getting in shape.  The dude at tinymuscles.com spoke up a little when he said Tony Horton needs to be on MUTE, but that isn’t enough.  You can’t stop there.  Tony Horton needs to be on more than mute.  Tony Horton needs to

SUCK IT.

Seriously, cut the shit Tony.  I see right through you.  You are all about trying to play it off like you want to “help people.”  Who are you trying to fool?  I know your game grandpa.  I’ve seen your DVD box set.  I’ve watched P90x.  News flash people: every picture of the jacked dude on the DVD is of Tony Fucking Horton.  Camera tricks put shadows over his face so you can’t really tell if it is him, but I know it is him.  I know what is trying to pull.  He is using subliminal messaging to flood your subconscious with images of his superior physique.

What a crock of shit.  So here Tony is, trying to sneak is way into the meathead marketplace using trick photography and instructional DVDs - not gonna happen Tony.  You forgot one thing: Meatheads aren’t athletic.  We don’t lift for functionality, we lift for size.  Pure, unadulterated, nonathletic, semi-functional HUGENESS.  You ask a real man to blast out some pushups, he will ask you to sit on his back while he shreds out 100 reps - military style.  You ask the guy to do 10 reps with his hand on a swiss ball, if he is properly conditioned, he should fall flat on his face because he lacks the proper stability muscles. 

All functionality has to be sacrificed for size.  This makes perfect sense.  No girl at the bar is going to ask you to do ring dips before you can buy her a drink.  She is going to take one look at your nipples busting through your tight, v-neck graphic T and immediately cup your balls before any further questioning can take place.  So here comes Tony Horton, struttin around the beach doing all kinds of weird balancing acts and climbing around this weird jungle gym like a fucking monkey:

That isn’t a gym Tony.  Does it look like a gym?  Where are the squat racks?  Keep your shirt down and get the fuck out of my way Tony.  I’ma walk straight past your jungle gym ass and pick up the hotties at the beach, cause none of them care how well you can climb a fucking rope.  Did you notice how at 1:46 Tony Horton does a slow-motion, rotating bicep flex?  Who is watching him?  5 people.  3 over-the-hill moms, a 12 year old boy, and some guy who has an eerily homoerotic smile across his face.  Nobody cares.  Then at 1:51 did you notice the huge guy walk across the screen… doesn’t even look at Tony. Guess why… REAL MEATHEAD.  Dude doesn’t give a fuck that Tony Horton can do a couple jungle gym pull ups then flex his biceps.  All he is thinking is, “where are the fucking free weights?”  So stop posing as a ‘man of the people’ when I know your real game is to try and be a meathead.  And don’t try to be a meathead when you are running around doing Kenpo and working the parallel bars like your are Matthew Cusik.  And stop calling it a “recovery drink.”  It is a fucking PROTEIN SHAKE.  Say it with me, “PROTEIN SHAKE.” 

And I don’t care what his nutrition plan tells you to do.  Your diet should be two scoops. Get huge. End of story.

Tony Horton can suck it. 

-Brent “Barbell” Samuelson

 
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Posted at 1:29pm

 


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  1. twoscoopsgethuge posted this