Okay, I’ve had enough of this Planet Fitness shit. It’s time to start a Two Scoops Revolution. I propose a two step plan to bring the hamstring stretching, yoga classing, latte sipping, treadmill running world of Planet Fitness to its knees.
Seriously, fuck this guy.
Stage 1: Infiltrate.
The Two Scoops Nation will initiate the revolution by going to Planet Fitness and showing those assholes what a “lunk” really is. I will scream, I will stare at every girl’s ass, and I will throw weights everywhere.
I show up wearing practically nothing, donning a tank top that has less fabric than a napkin, and straps so thin that they cannot be seen with the naked eye.
I will then stomp over to the preacher bench and furiously load up the bar, leaving dozens of plates in my wake. The gun show begins. I do multiple sets of 225 lb curls, simultaneously screaming at the top of my lungs. The EZ bar slams to the floor, setting off a car alarm in the parking lot. A cat squeals. I look around and realize that Planet Fitness is completely empty. The “lunk alarm” has been hit so many times that it’s broken, unrecognizable, and completely beyond repair. The manager informs me over the PA that the police are on their way. Time to go home. Stage 1 complete.
Stage 2: Innovate.
Gentleman Goliaths of Two Scoops, I present to you:”The Pussy Alarm”. In response to the infamous Lunk Alarm, Stage 2 of the revolution involves the installation of an alarm system at every Gold’s Gym that sounds whenever you do something disgraceful.
Wearing gloves? Pussy. Stretching? Homo. Funny little toe-sneakers? Punishable by death. I dare you to wear running shoes, or sleeves, or drink out of a water bottle that is smaller than a gallon. Go ahead and eat a granola bar, do sit-ups, or use an ab-roller; Make my fucking day.
When the Pussy Alarm goes off, you better believe someone’s in serious trouble. Before being permanently thrown out of Gold’s, you will be stripped naked, then tar-and-protein-powdered by Tony Muscoli, who will then beat you senseless with an Olympic bar, and drag your disgusting powdery corpse into the parking lot. In our beta testing of this system we’ve had more than a dozen activations of the alarm, and have shamefully wasted over 100 lbs of protein powder, and 15 pints of blood. This is not a joke.
Fuck Planet Fitness.
- Billy “Biceps” Luciano