Dat chest
A little muscle on a girl is sexy. However, throw a little HGH and testosterone into the mix, and you might find yourself in a staredown with this… girl?
If I were to run into this WomanMan ManCreature at the gym or at the bar, I am going to see A LOT of red flags going up almost immediately.
First of all, this broad is actually broad, as in she is quite literally, a wide person.
Even if you really committed to drowning away the look of her delts and lower-lip/upper-chin piercing with an entire bottle of Patrón, the giant spider tattoo above her cooch should be enough to make you run into the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall, and weep for your masculinity.
Remember ladies, the ultimate goal is to attract a man, not become one.
-Tony “Too Much of a Good Thing" Muscoli
Wolverine came out this past weekend grossing $86.1 Million worldwide. You would think that Hugh Jackman would be taking a break after preparing for that role, until he posted this on Twitter a few hours ago:
Looks like Hugh has been sipping on that Two Scoops sauce. Once he got all cut up for Wolverine, he started digging his new shred and wants to keep that pump on.
Stay huge Hugh, stay huge.
"If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin."
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli
P.S. Hugh, I would suggest pulling your shorts down during photo opps until you can add some mass to those puppies.
Scooby’s abs are sad :-(
The flag has been flying at half mast in the internet fitness world. The renowned YouTube fitness guru Scooby1961 posted his last video last week:
For those curious, Scooby was the unwilling victim of “doxing."
Doxing is a technique used to gather information about an individual on the internet. Users on the website 4chan gathered Scooby’s personal information - his name, phone number, and home address - and posted it online. As it was done maliciously, Scooby felt that the safety of his family was put at stake, and decided to discontinue his YouTube channel, turn off his social media, and move residences.
The man built his home with his bare hands, and was forced to move because some sad assholes, hiding behind their keyboards, were jealous of his incredible pecs.
The Scooby We Know and Love
Maybe you know Scooby from my website. Scooby and I once debated the applications of marijuana to bodybuilding. And by debated, I mean I wrote a post in response to one of his videos. Scooby never replied, as he was far too busy being famous to respond to a blogger with 7 followers.
Maybe you know Scooby from his formidable chest, which is incredible for a guy his age and, when viewed from the right angle, looks a girl’s ass:
Dat chest
Perhaps you know him from his noble quest to make fedoras and bucket hats fashionable again:
But most of you know Scooby from his comfortingly genuine, and genuinely helpful YouTube videos.
As with any public figure, Scooby had his share of ridicule. He was accused of taking steroids, and of being gay (neither of which are bad things, but haters gone hate). Hell, I have even jabbed at his sometimes goofy demeanor. But none of that mattered to Scooby, because he knew that for all of the insults he received, he was still helping 10x as many people transform themselves into better people.
No matter your opinions on Scooby, his videos were helpful, well-intentioned, and provided sound advice for bodybuilders of all skill levels.
I can only dream of one day attaining the kind of bodybuilding fame that Scooby achieved (over 185 million views on his YouTube channel). The kind of fame that makes people threaten your family? That is a dream worth writing for.
Scooby1961’s videos and enthusiasm for bodybuilding will be sorely missed.
-Tony “Two Gun Salute for Scooby" Muscoli
P.S. Scooby, if you are reading this, and you need some buff dudes to stand outside your home and fight off the swolehating neckbeards of 4chan, Two Scoopers will answer the call. Swoldiers in arms.
I asked a guy for a spot yesterday on Incline Bench Press. He was awkward about it so I said to myself, “fuck it, go HAM. I don’t need a spotter."
I’m coming up slow on my 6th rep, the guy sees this, and instead of running around behind the bench to grab the middle of the barbell, he comes up alongside the bench and starts lifting the right end of my barbell, tilting the 225lb bar to a 45º angle. This is awkward, I wouldn’t recommend it.
This is NOT optimal bar position on Bench Press
I told him “I got it," straightened the bar out and finished my set. That is the last time I ever ask a guy wearing sleeves for a spot.
The fact that it he was wearing a “No Doubt" T-shirt should have been a dead giveaway. Nobody to blame but myself on that one.
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli
If this guy’s biceps were as big as his balls, I would hire him IMMEDIATELY!
"You lift bro? You looking that skinnylicious, the girl is bigger than you."
A) That girl was hot.
B) “You looking that skinnylicious" is my new favorite insult.
This right here was perhaps the greatest exchange in prank show history:
Black Guy: “185 of what? What you wanna do with it?"
VitalyzdTV: “Press."
BG: “How many time you wanna do it?"
VitalyzdTV: "Five."
BG: "Daz it? I was expecting a number somewhere around, 30. You see, I play college football, I’m trying to go to The League, I put up 225 at least fifteen times right now. Whajoowannado?"
VitalyzdTV: "…Let’s go."
BG: “Bye fellas! I’m goin to go make some money."
When it came down to it, this NFL hopeful wasn’t about to get called out. The Iron does not lie, and this guy knows it. Future Combine Hopeful went straight to the ultimate test of strength: A Bench-Off.
225 for max reps is the only way. You can cheat on a Push-Up Contest. Arm Wrestling is manly as all hell, but it involves strategy. A Bench-Off is pure, brute strength. Lockout. Bar to chest. Lockout. No questionable outcomes with a Bench-Off, no Russian judges here. Plus, 185lbs for 5 reps just shows that VitalyzdTV doesn’t actually lift himself.
Good for you sir for calling this prankster out. I hope you make it to The League.
My favorite reaction was this guy:
VitalyzdTV: "Do you lift?"
Black Tank Top: “Yea Bro."
VitalyzdTV: “Ohzzz, zzmall muscles."
Black TankTop: “Yeaaaah bro."
Black Tank Top wasn’t phased. He knows he ain’t small. I like that confidence. Two Scoops status right thur.
-Tony “Yea, I Lift" Muscoli
This is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov:
And this is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov on his way to the gym:
The Gains Gremlins don’t stand a chance when Alexey is riding his Segway.
Notice the complete lack of cardiovascular exercise. This is why Lesukov is a pro and you are not; his commitment to the anti-cardio is unparallelled.
The Gains are strong in this one.
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli
Prepare your offspring for hugeness.
(Source: fittedphilosophy, via guerrillatank)
"The only way to confuse your muscles, is to go to the gym, and not hit chest or bis."
Check out this stiff, proclaiming that people shouldn’t feel “forced to go to the gym because of today’s idea of what’s a good body."
Listen Swift, being shredded isn’t “today’s idea of what’s a good body," it is nature’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded is evolution’s idea of a good body, it is God’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded IS a good body.
Today’s idea of what is a good body didn’t come about because Arnold made bodybuilding mainstream in the 1970’s. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about because Brad Pitt had abs in Fight Club. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about from supplement company marketing cmapaigns. Today’s idea of a good body comes from our primal instinct to be the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.
Do you think Tarzan would have been happy being a fat ass, rolling around on the jungle floor getting eaten by fire ants and snakes and shit? No, he was happy being a shredded monkey cunt swinging from the trees and impregnating Jane to make the manchild Korak.
Today’s idea of good body? Edgar Burroughs wrote Tarzan of the Apes in 1912.
Do you think Michelangelo would have been happy if he had carved David into a fatass?
No. The Statue of David is statuesque because David is cut up:
Today’s idea of a good body? The Statue of David was carved in 1504.
Do you think Greek Gods were ever thought to be out of shape?
Do you think Zues was ever portrayed as a pear shaped amoeba? No.
Do you think Ares, God of War, was a scrawny little Joffrey fucker? No.
Check out this statue of Herakles, son of Zues:
Herakles took his two scoops for sure.
Today’s idea of a good body? Lysippos created the original version of the statue in the 4th Century B.C.E.
Do you think ancient Egyptians idealized un-shredded deities? No.
Check out the V-taper on the Hawk-Man-God:
Today’s idea of a good body? Ancient Egyptian craftsmen first began to create wall paintings and use hieroglyphic symbols around 3500 B.C.E.
We don’t feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because of societal pressures to look fit. We should feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because, as a species, we were are designed to spend our days outside hunting and gathering shit. Instead, we spend our days staring at a computer, blogging about how we shouldn’t be spending our days staring at a computer.
So that feeling of being “forced" to go work out, is your lazy ass trying desperately to hang on to the tiny shred of primal instinct it has left.
Happy with Life = Being Shredded
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli
(Source: shreddingdonna, via guerrillatank)