I drove south of the Mason Dixon line last weekend to find some Four Loko’s and when I am at the cash register somewhere in South Carolina getting my Eight Loko rung up, there - sitting on the counter next to the myriad of other stupid energy shots - was the most amazing thing I have ever seen at a shitty South Carolinian convenience/liquor store: a “6 Hour Energy” shot with 42g of protein.
Unbe-fucking-lievable. You are going to tell me that you can fit 42 grams of whey protein into 2.9 fluid ounces of liquid and have it stay a liquid? I mean Naked Juice can’t put 30 grams of protein into their “Protein Zone” smoothie without it tasting like you are chewing on sand, and they make some delicious shit. So how the fuck is this no-name shot gonna fit that much protein into a little energy shot and still have room for energy!? Absurd. Ludicrous. Preposterous! I must have it.
I now have the 6 Hours of Energy Get Huge shot in my possession, but I am too afraid to take it. For one, it cost me like $5, and now that I have it I feel like I have to wait for the right moment. Like having a fine Cuban victory cigar, or a really nice bottle of Scotch, or a bottle of wine from your wedding day, I think I need to wait until the right moment to drink this thing. What if it kills me? What if my body can’t absorb all 42 grams of protein and I have liver failure? These are all irrational fears of course because everybody knows my body can handle up to 1.5x my body weight in g’s of protein in any one sitting without so much as a fart, but they are things to be considered none the less.
What really scared me is that when I wanted to learn more about this gift from the heavens, I typed into Google:
- “6 Hour Energy 42g” - it returned nothing
- “Provita 42g” - it returned nothing
- “Provita 6 Hour Energy” - and finally I get some forums discussing the product but I still can’t find an official website
That set off a few bells. It wasn’t until closer inspection of the bottle that I found the actual website. However, as I am reading the label, I am discovering just how awesome this fucking thing really is. Caffeine, vitamins, minerals, and forty-two other reasons to love this shot. FORTY-FUCKING-TWO GRAMS OF PROTEIN. I mean, what the fuck? Why have 42g protein when you can have 84 grams? Two Shots, Get Huge, this story is just starting cause you all jacked up on caffeine. I am so scared to drink this thing. I’ll let you know when I do.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
