Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This has to be a real thing somewhere, and I need to be admitted.

"Uhlaawlg! GET TO THE CLINIC!"

Not much to say here really. Some guy put together clips of smokin’ hot babes working out, and slapped on a dope soundtrack. Just watch it, and be happy? Or it’ll just make you horny and frustrated at work - in which case, remember who gave you that boner. Or, in my case, watching this will just make you want to hit the gym to stare at spandex butts in real life. To each their own.

FYI: that ‘wobble wobble’ noise you heard was Blue Foundation - Bonfire (Dubstep Remix).

-Tony “Me Too Horny” Muscoli

I honestly feel bad for this bro. He won’t be able to look anybody in the eye when he goes to the gym tomorrow. Not being able to open a water bottle on national TV has to be on every meathead’s Top 10 Biggest Fears list, right behind “Getting Out-Benched by a Girl.”

I get asked every day to open jars and shit for people, and I do it with ease. I usually throw in an extra forearm flex just for show, especially if it’s a hot broad asking me to open her jar of pickles.

But deep down, beneath my steroid-acne covered flawless skin and bulging, muscular physique, there is a little boy whose greatest insecurity is that he won’t be able to open that jar, and that everybody will make fun of me for it and think I am less of a man. I AM A MAN GOD DAMN IT! LOOK HOW MUCH I CAN CURL! I FUCK GIRLS! *sobs uncontrollably*

When the day finally comes that you can’t open that container, and it does come - for all of us,… when that day comes I just hope to God that it doesn’t happen when I am in a public place.

And I am not a religious man, but I still pray every day that if it does happen in a public place, that a camera man isn’t there to broadcast it on national television.

And if that moment when I can’t open a water bottle does get broadcast on national television, I just dream that there won’t be two sports commentators there to call me out and ridicule my now seemingly pointless physique.

I feels for this bro. I feels. If you have any shred of decency in you, you will add an extra set of Farmer’s Walks to your training today. Do it for your shamed Brethren in Swole. Do it for your fellow Two Scoopers. Do it for your forearms. Do it for yourself.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Are you sick and tired of always being second best?

Are you frustrated by all the hard work you put into cultivating mass, only to be upstaged by a new guy at your gym who walks in with even bigger arms than you?

Well look no further people, Two Scoops is going to give you the secret to making huge people, look small.

All you have to do to make huge people look small, is be a fucking giant:

The Rock is 6’ 4” 260lbs and he looks like somebody’s little brother. Arnold is 6’ 2” 235lbs and he looks like a toddler. It is humbling seeing my two personal physique heros being dwarfed by GOD DAMN GIANTS. Doesn’t even make sense.

All I can think about is NFL running backs like Danny Woodhead running straight into an onslaught of men this size.

If I do enough squats, I will grow taller, right? Right. TO THE SQUAT RACK!

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

A little muscle on a girl is sexy. However, throw a little HGH and testosterone into the mix, and you might find yourself in a staredown with this… girl?

If I were to run into this WomanMan ManCreature at the gym or at the bar, I am going to see A LOT of red flags going up almost immediately.

First of all, this broad is actually broad, as in she is quite literally, a wide person.

Even if you really committed to drowning away the look of her delts and lower-lip/upper-chin piercing with an entire bottle of Patrón, the giant spider tattoo above her cooch should be enough to make you run into the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall, and weep for your masculinity.

Remember ladies, the ultimate goal is to attract a man, not become one.

-Tony “Too Much of a Good Thing” Muscoli

Wolverine came out this past weekend grossing $86.1 Million worldwide. You would think that Hugh Jackman would be taking a break after preparing for that role, until he posted this on Twitter a few hours ago:

Looks like Hugh has been sipping on that Two Scoops sauce. Once he got all cut up for Wolverine, he started digging his new shred and wants to keep that pump on.

Stay huge Hugh, stay huge.

"If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin."

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hugh, I would suggest pulling your shorts down during photo opps until you can add some mass to those puppies.

The flag has been flying at half mast in the internet fitness world. The renowned YouTube fitness guru Scooby1961 posted his last video last week:

For those curious, Scooby was the unwilling victim of “doxing.”

Doxing is a technique used to gather information about an individual on the internet. Users on the website 4chan gathered Scooby’s personal information - his name, phone number, and home address - and posted it online. As it was done maliciously, Scooby felt that the safety of his family was put at stake, and decided to discontinue his YouTube channel, turn off his social media, and move residences.

The man built his home with his bare hands, and was forced to move because some sad assholes, hiding behind their keyboards, were jealous of his incredible pecs.

The Scooby We Know and Love

Maybe you know Scooby from my website. Scooby and I once debated the applications of marijuana to bodybuilding. And by debated, I mean I wrote a post in response to one of his videos. Scooby never replied, as he was far too busy being famous to respond to a blogger with 7 followers.

Maybe you know Scooby from his formidable chest, which is incredible for a guy his age and, when viewed from the right angle, looks a girl’s ass:

Perhaps you know him from his noble quest to make fedoras and bucket hats fashionable again:

But most of you know Scooby from his comfortingly genuine, and genuinely helpful YouTube videos.

As with any public figure, Scooby had his share of ridicule. He was accused of taking steroids, and of being gay (neither of which are bad things, but haters gone hate). Hell, I have even jabbed at his sometimes goofy demeanor. But none of that mattered to Scooby, because he knew that for all of the insults he received, he was still helping 10x as many people transform themselves into better people.

No matter your opinions on Scooby, his videos were helpful, well-intentioned, and provided sound advice for bodybuilders of all skill levels.

I can only dream of one day attaining the kind of bodybuilding fame that Scooby achieved (over 185 million views on his YouTube channel). The kind of fame that makes people threaten your family? That is a dream worth writing for.

Scooby1961’s videos and enthusiasm for bodybuilding will be sorely missed.

-Tony “Two Gun Salute for Scooby” Muscoli

P.S. Scooby, if you are reading this, and you need some buff dudes to stand outside your home and fight off the swolehating neckbeards of 4chan, Two Scoopers will answer the call. Swoldiers in arms.

I asked a guy for a spot yesterday on Incline Bench Press. He was awkward about it so I said to myself, “fuck it, go HAM. I don’t need a spotter.”

I’m coming up slow on my 6th rep, the guy sees this, and instead of running around behind the bench to grab the middle of the barbell, he comes up alongside the bench and starts lifting the right end of my barbell, tilting the 225lb bar to a 45º angle. This is awkward, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I told him “I got it,” straightened the bar out and finished my set. That is the last time I ever ask a guy wearing sleeves for a spot.

The fact that it he was wearing a “No Doubt” T-shirt should have been a dead giveaway. Nobody to blame but myself on that one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

If this guy’s biceps were as big as his balls, I would hire him IMMEDIATELY!

"You lift bro? You looking that skinnylicious, the girl is bigger than you."

A) That girl was hot.
B) “You looking that skinnylicious” is my new favorite insult.

This right here was perhaps the greatest exchange in prank show history:

Black Guy: “185 of what? What you wanna do with it?”
VitalyzdTV: “Press.”
BG: “How many time you wanna do it?”
VitalyzdTV: “Five.”
BG: “Daz it? I was expecting a number somewhere around, 30. You see, I play college football, I’m trying to go to The League, I put up 225 at least fifteen times right now. Whajoowannado?”
VitalyzdTV: “…Let’s go.”
BG: “Bye fellas! I’m goin to go make some money.”

When it came down to it, this NFL hopeful wasn’t about to get called out. The Iron does not lie, and this guy knows it. Future Combine Hopeful went straight to the ultimate test of strength: A Bench-Off.

225 for max reps is the only way. You can cheat on a Push-Up Contest. Arm Wrestling is manly as all hell, but it involves strategy. A Bench-Off is pure, brute strength. Lockout. Bar to chest. Lockout. No questionable outcomes with a Bench-Off, no Russian judges here. Plus, 185lbs for 5 reps just shows that VitalyzdTV doesn’t actually lift himself.

Good for you sir for calling this prankster out. I hope you make it to The League.

My favorite reaction was this guy:

VitalyzdTV: ”Do you lift?”
Black Tank Top: “Yea Bro.”
VitalyzdTV: “Ohzzz, zzmall muscles.”
Black TankTop: “Yeaaaah bro.”

Black Tank Top wasn’t phased. He knows he ain’t small. I like that confidence. Two Scoops status right thur.

-Tony “Yea, I Lift” Muscoli

This is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov:

And this is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov on his way to the gym:

The Gains Gremlins don’t stand a chance when Alexey is riding his Segway.

Notice the complete lack of cardiovascular exercise. This is why Lesukov is a pro and you are not; his commitment to the anti-cardio is unparallelled.

The Gains are strong in this one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"The only way to confuse your muscles, is to go to the gym, and not hit chest or bis."

Check out this stiff, proclaiming that people shouldn’t feel “forced to go to the gym because of today’s idea of what’s a good body.”

Listen Swift, being shredded isn’t “today’s idea of what’s a good body,” it is nature’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded is evolution’s idea of a good body, it is God’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded IS a good body.

Today’s idea of what is a good body didn’t come about because Arnold made bodybuilding mainstream in the 1970’s. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about because Brad Pitt had abs in Fight Club. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about from supplement company marketing cmapaigns. Today’s idea of a good body comes from our primal instinct to be the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.

Do you think Tarzan would have been happy being a fat ass, rolling around on the jungle floor getting eaten by fire ants and snakes and shit? No, he was happy being a shredded monkey cunt swinging from the trees and impregnating Jane to make the manchild Korak.

Today’s idea of good body? Edgar Burroughs wrote Tarzan of the Apes in 1912.

Do you think Michelangelo would have been happy if he had carved David into a fatass?

No. The Statue of David is statuesque because David is cut up:

Do you think Greek Gods were ever thought to be out of shape?
Do you think Zues was ever portrayed as a pear shaped amoeba? No.
Do you think Ares, God of War, was a scrawny little Joffrey fucker? No.
Check out this statue of Herakles, son of Zues:

Today’s idea of a good body? Lysippos created the original version of the statue in the 4th Century B.C.E.

Do you think ancient Egyptians idealized un-shredded deities? No.
Check out the V-taper on the Hawk-Man-God:

Today’s idea of a good body? Ancient Egyptian craftsmen first began to create wall paintings and use hieroglyphic symbols around 3500 B.C.E.

We don’t feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because of societal pressures to look fit. We should feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because, as a species, we were are designed to spend our days outside hunting and gathering shit. Instead, we spend our days staring at a computer, blogging about how we shouldn’t be spending our days staring at a computer.

So that feeling of being “forced” to go work out, is your lazy ass trying desperately to hang on to the tiny shred of primal instinct it has left.

Happy with Life = Being Shredded

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED.” Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned.”

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops” is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t get it. This nice man in the tank top is concerned about the quality of his fellow gym goers workout, and this scrawny tightass can’t even respond coherently.

What is so hard to understand about this bro’s question?
DID YOU, OR DID NOT YOU, GET YOUR BURN ON you pastey little cardio turd?

I hate Planet Fitness so much. These commercials dehumanize meatheads to the point where I can’t throw up the Front Double Biceps salute to a random stranger in a park without fear of ridicule.

The United States of Freedom made great strides for human rights when the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. But we need to take it one step further, and gain support for a new DOMA (Defense of Meatheads Act), which you can be sure Planet Fitness will fight every step of the way.

Time to get your burn on bros.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I Want To Look Like That Guy is a documentary film written by, directed by, and starring “Renaissance Man” Stuart MacDonald. The entire film was just uploaded to YouTube for our enjoyment.

Although this film was produced in 2009, it looks like it was made in 1999 and the I Want To Look Like That Guy website appears to have been made in ‘95 using Geocities or Angelfire or some shit. That being said, the film is still worth the watch (if only to kill time until the next Two Scoops post).

The film is targeted more towards your average gym goer who may be less adept in the art of swole, but there is still plenty of interesting material for a Two Scooper.

Perhaps most enlightening, was the amount of effort it takes to slim down to low single digit bodyfat. In order to maintain a year round beach body whilst still acquiring muscle, many of us swoldiers will hold around 9-10% bodyfat. The diet and exercise (read: cardio) involved in trimming down to a competition ready body is astounding, and Stuart does a fairly good job conveying this to the audience.

Granted, I will never do cardio because it makes you go catabolic and ruins your gains, so I just stick to hardcore diuretics to keep me looking ultra shredded all day. Anal seepage is a small price to pay to look like that guy.

Also, Jeff Willet is a beast - the best “natural” bodybuilder of all time:

- Tony “I Already Look Like That Guy” Muscoli

I have been prodded into addressing the myth of overtraining under the duress of numerous requests from whiny bitches.

First, what is overtraining? Is it a word? Is it two words trying to disguise themselves as one? Is there even such a thing as overtraining, or is there only underrecovering?
…Under recovering?
…Under-recovering?
Which the fuck is it? We may never know.

I, personally, am physically incapable of overtraining because I take creatine. Ergo, overtraining does not exist, but nonetheless, people complain about it as if overtraining is a real thing.

It is fairly simple: as long as you eat enough (Russian Bear 5000 on the reg), get proper sleep (or supplement your sleep with heavy stimulants), and leave a muscle group enough time to recover (or lift through the DOMS like a man), you will not find yourself the victim of overtraining. Also, roids. Definitely roids.

Remember this:
Train hard. Eat big. Rest up. Get huge. End of story.

You can shorten it to “HARD, BIG, UP, and HUGE” if you like innuendo.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"Kali is an expert on street workouts, because in prison, he had two choices: Lift, or Die. The hardest choice you ever had to make was Dom, or Tony, and you chose both."

When your roommates are also Two Scoopers, no supplement is safe.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Once my boner went away and I was able to think clearly, all I was able to gather from this commercial is that, Planet Fatness doesn’t allow hot girls at their gym “that isn’t a gym” and that you have to be average looking or uglier to join.

Not that you needed them, but now you have even more reasons to NEVER go to a Planet Fitness.

Fuck Planet Fitness, and fuck those titties. That’s an order.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t know what is real and what isn’t in this video. Is it an energy drink? Is it a dank electro song? Is it a video game? Is it a dance move? Is it a party? Is it a club?

To be honest, I don’t really care what it is - I WANT IT.

This energyclubravegame commercial appeals to me in every way. It has 90’s video game graphics, an 8-bit soundtrack, caffeine, hot girls, hot girls butts, hot girls with nipple pasties, zombies doing the Thriller dance to rave music, rave music, hadoukens, weightlifting, karate, Japanese pop-culture references, fire breathing, cheerleaders, arcade games, energy drinks, mixed drinks, possibly cocaine… the list goes on.

I am really just sad that this isn’t an actual energy drink. After watching that commercial I don’t even care what is in it, all I know is that drinking it will make me cooler and stronger.

I want it.

-Tony “Unaffected By Marketing” Muscoli

“Hello small peoples of internets. My name Kyriakos Grizzly, Son of Ares Grizzly.

In English, father name mean “War Bear.”

In English, my name mean “Lord Bear.”

I come from long family of bears. I am massive strong and will crush your children like they were харизматический. Hacha! You small internet peoples no match for might of Kyriakos Grizzly. Watch me be massif:”

If all you small people had no idea what the fuck was going on in that video, you just watched a man I believe to be named Kyriakos Grizzly do what he calls “Pull Barbell and Sguat the Bench” for 210kg.

Now, I don’t know what a “Sguat” is, or how much 210kgs is, but sitting with 493lbs on your lap can not be comfortable. Also, that guy should check his diet because I think you may have just watched 8 reps of the World’s Heaviest Fart.

Kyriakos has an entire YouTube channel dedicated to his unorthodox displays of brute strength.

Take this video for example, where Kyriakos performs the “Extent Bench Press,” which is essentially him throwing a 330lb barbell off of his stomach like it was a goddamn exercise ball.

Kyriakos Grizzly may very well be a living avatar of Man Bear Pig.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"DO YOU COMPETE?!"

How have I never spotted this before? This is incredible. Do you people understand the significance of this cameo? It is a metaphorical passing of Brodin’s Torch from Ye Old King of Swole to the Prince of Pump.

It was only an 8 second clip but I feel as though I have just witnessed a cinematic changing of the guard. I feel inspired, so full of passion, and honor.

All Arnold Schwarzenegger said to The Rock was, “haff fun,” but we all knew what he meant:

"Have fun Sir Dwayne. Enjoy your fame. Embrace your throne as The World’s Most Popular Meathead, just as I was before you. For as I was once the most masculine of men in all the Universe, you now may take that stage. You, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, have now earned your title as The Most Electrifying Man in Entertainment, and you hath earned all the respect and responsibilities set forth as such. You are strong, you are capable, and you are huge. You shall do well. Have fun.”

You all have witnessed something great here today. You shall never forget where you were at this very moment. You shall never forget the first time you saw Arnold’s cameo in The Rundown with Sean William Scott.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This guy is doing dips with 5 plates. Have you ever seen dips performed with 5 plates? Does having that much weight between your legs make your dick feel bigger, or smaller? Is the amount of plates you can dip relative to one’s testicular heft?

Did I mention this guy is doing dips with 5 plates? It is strange because logically it doesn’t really make all that much sense. Let me try to work through this…

Scientifical Proof:
Forearm vein visibility given paleness of skin makes insane dip strength plausible.

Mathematical Disproof:
Bodyweight + (45lbs x 5) = 450+ lbs = WTF?

Optical Proof:
His shirt says “WOLFPACK” on the back, which makes insane dip strength plausible.

I feel small.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Speaking of lady Two Scoopers, check out Elizabeth Molano. She has been a friend of the Site for while now and when your Uncle Tony here started creeping her Facebook, he asked if she wanted to be featured on Two Scoops.

Liz competed in her first competition in November at the WNBF Monster Mash - I assume the show is named after the tits of the girl in the background:

Liz said she was a little nervous competing in her first show, but it was fun, even though she didn’t place. She learned a lot and started training harder for her next show in April, the WBFF Fitness Atlantic.

Two Scoops: After the Monster Mash in November, you had five months to prepare for your next show. What did your preparation look like?
Liz: My training has been changing on a monthly basis. I am still pretty new at this so I am still learning as I go. Contest prep is 3 months long. The first month I am working on building a strong muscle base – high weight, low reps. My diet is high in all the macros: protein, starches, fat, fruits & vegetables.

Two Scoops: I don’t know what a vegetable is, but sounds good. Two months out?
Liz: Month two training is a mix of building and cutting. The number of sets and reps I do increase, and I start decreasing the amount of carbs in my diet. I also limit my intake of nuts and nut butter to a few times per week.

Two Scoops: How does your boyfriend feel about you limiting your intake of nuts?
Liz: (…) So anyway, the month before the show I am focusing on cutting. Training volume increases, especially cardio. I do both steady state, and HIIT conditioning throughout the 3 months, but volume is heavily increased during the final month.

Here is selfie from her instagram (@emolano), 25 days out from the show:

Two Scoops: An increase in cardio huh? That sounds horrible. What about your diet the last month?
Liz: Month 3 diet I start cycling my carbs: some days I’ll have no carbs…

Two Scoops: Sounds good to me.
Liz: Some days only a couple servings, with a carb load one or two days a week. This keeps my body guessing. I also completely cut out nuts and nut butters. I get all my fats from oils.

Two Scoops: I got some nut butter for you.
Liz: It wasn’t funny the first time Tony, it isn’t funny now.

Two Scoops: Yes it is. I would know, I do this for a living.
Liz: You don’t make any money of this website do you?

Two Scoops: Hey, who is asking the questions here? Me. Now, What else can you tell me about your diet the month leading up? What kind of protein we talking?

Liz: The month before the show I add in a lot of white fish for lean protein, and I limit egg white consumption to avoid bloating.

Two Scoops: I didn’t know egg whites caused bloating. Is that something you noticed about yourself personally, or is it universal?
Liz: Not everybody will notice it, but many of the girls I train with do, including myself.

Two Scoops: Never knew. What about carbs?
Liz: I am very carb-sensitive, so I don’t bother with oatmeal or ezekiel bread or things like that. Brown rice is okay because it’s gluten free, but I mostly stick to sweet potato, squash, and occassionaly quinoa.

Two Scoops: “Quinoa” sounds like something you would get from Whole Foods, I am afraid to go there in case it turns me into a vegan.
Liz: You’re an idiot.

Two Scoops: I prefer “idiot savant.” Now let’s talk about the real issue: supplements. What you on girl?
Liz: I take a multi vitamin, and supplement that with Vitamin D, glucosamine, fish oil (omega 3 only, not 6 or 9), BCAAs, and glutamine. I take creatine in the Off Season.

Two Scoops: Girls who take creatine give me boners.
Liz: No surprise, you’ve had a boner this entire interview.

Two Scoops: Very observant Liz. What about Protein supplements?
Liz: No Whey Protein for the whole contest prep. It bloats me, plus I prefer to get more nutrients from whole food sources, especially important while cutting.

Two Scoops: Fucking hell woman! No protein shakes? I’ve had 3 just while we have been sitting here. What about meal timing?
Liz: I eat 6 small meals per day and never eat less than 3oz protein with every meal.

Two Scoops: 3oz protein?
Liz: Girls are different than boys.

Two Scoops: I have a boner.
Liz: Exactly.

Two Scoops: What does your training split look like?
Liz: I work off a seven day split: Day 1: Legs Day 2: Chest & Triceps Day 3: Back & Biceps Day 4: Legs Day 5: Shoulders & Core Day 6: Full Body - High volume workout (50-100 reps). It is a mix of compound movements (Pull-ups, Tire Flips, Squat Press, Battle Ropes) and isolations excercises (curls, dips, hip adduction and abduction). Day 7: Off

On leg days, my cardio is always steady state. If I am on machines, I am on the stairmill or bike on low resist…

Two Scoops: I am going to stop you there. “Cardio” is not spoken here. Anything else we should know about you?
Liz: I am studying now to become a NASM Certified trainer!

Two Scoops: That is great! Congrats on your successes, you can tell all the hard work is paying off. Good luck moving forward and keep us updated!
Liz: Thank you Tony! Two Scoops!

Elizabeth looking stunning backstage before the WBFF Fitness Atlantic:

Unfortunately, Liz didn’t place at the WBFF show either. In an email, Liz wrote me:

"I don’t know how I placed in the first two shows, since they really only award top 5. The Monster Mash show was technically my first, but it was so small scale that it hardly compares to WBFF"

It’s OK Liz, I think your Instagram is still a winner in my book (I’m serious Two Scoopers, follow this chick. Here is a link if you are on a desktop: @emolano)

With her gratuitous ass shots out of the way, Liz was already preparing for her next show just two weeks later, the Fitness Universe Tour - New England.

Liz wrote:

Less than two weeks after my last show, I let my amazing coach @janellenicolo and #bodyambition teammate @belabody convince me to push through and compete again at #fitnessamerica. With their support, I pulled of some sweet #themewear and a top 5 placement!! Could not be happier to see the last few months of hard #training and dieting come to fruition. This is only the beginning. #instafit #fitbod #fitfam #fitspiration #igfitnessinspiration #fitnessnewengland #bikinibody @ravishsands thank you so much for gorgeous suit!

The overwhelming use of hashtags aside, this is an awesome accomplishment! Love seeing Two Scoopers doing big things. Here is Liz with her trophy:

Liz, on stage, in a watermarked photo, because Tony don’t pay for that:

Have another:

Looks like all that training really paid off! Her obliques are looking amazing, great definition in her arms, but perhaps what is most impressive, is the amount of size she was able to add on to her chest in just 5 months. Some seriously impressive work.

I like to delude myself into thinking all my readers look like this:

Congratulations on her accomplishments. Can’t wait to fap see what she will do next. Follow her ass on Instagram @emolano.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Notice anything wrong 21 seconds into this video?

In case you missed it:

Close the door bro, come on.

-Tony “Too Poops” Muscoli

If this is true, why is this asshole only benching 135 lbs?

-Tony

Thanks to Rip Ross for the tip.

Since you already all got shredded up for Ultra, you are ready for Summer Music Festival Season:

Nailed it, again. I feel like Dom and Tony would be swolebros.

People who do not idolize Arnold confuse me.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

If you were ever wondering how to make it on Two Scoops as a girl, this is it. Put on a bikini, show off your abs, and straight flatten a bitch.

As a girl, you don’t have to have big muscles to be a Two Scooper, you just have to like big weights (and it doesn’t hurt to be hot).

By the way, how does the Lingerie Football League stay in business? Do people come watch the games? I imagine it is like your typical strip club patrons: a few rowdy regulars and bachelor parties cheering for somebody to get naked, while a bunch of creepy elderly gentleman - possibly homeless men - sit in the back of the venue rubbing one out.

Is the LFL televised? Like Channel 6969 on Direct TV or something? Do you think there are people who actually follow a team like the Los Angeles Temptation through their season? I am incredibly intrigued. Maybe I’ll start watching the LFL… you know, for science.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

But this one goes all the way to 11 (I am getting really good with Microsoft Paint).

- Tony

-Tony

PDF

Abstract:

Steele J, Fisher J, McGuff D, Bruce-Low S, Smith D. Resistance Training to Momentary Muscular Failure Improves Cardiovascular Fitness in Humans: A Review of Acute Physiological Responses and Chronic Physiological Adaptations. JEPonline 2012;15(3):53-80.

Research demonstrates resistance training produces significant improvement in cardiovascular fitness (VO2 max, economy of movement). To date no review article has considered the underlying physiological mechanisms that might support such improvements. This article is a comprehensive, systematic narrative review of the literature surrounding the area of resistance training, cardiovascular fitness and the acute responses and chronic adaptations it produces. The primary concern with existing research is the lack of clarity and inappropriate quantification of resistance training intensity. Thus, an important consideration of this review is the effect of intensity. The acute metabolic and molecular responses to resistance training to momentary muscular failure do not differ from that of traditional endurance training. Myocardial function appears to be maintained, perhaps enhanced, in acute response to high intensity resistance training, and contraction intensity appears to mediate the acute vascular response to resistance training. The results of chronic physiological adaptations demonstrate that resistance training to momentary muscular failure produces a number of physiological adaptations, which may facilitate the observed improvements in cardiovascular fitness. The adaptations may include an increase in mitochondrial enzymes, mitochondrial proliferation, phenotypic conversion from type IIx towards type IIa muscle fibers, and vascular remodeling (including capillarization). Resistance training to momentary muscular failure causes sufficient acute stimuli to produce chronic physiological adaptations that enhance cardiovascular fitness. This review appears to be the first to present this conclusion and, therefore, it may help stimulate a changing paradigm addressing the misnomer of ‘cardiovascular’ exercise as being determined by modality.

Link to Author’s blog: James Steele

I knew it! I fucking knew it! I’ve been saying it for YEARS and finally I have found scientific proof that you NEVER HAVE TO DO CARDIO AGAIN. And this is science bitches. Not fake science. Not shit I make up. Not hyperbolic assertions. Real fuckin’ science.

This article was published in the Official Research Journal of the American Society of Exercise Physiologists. Everybody who works there has a PhD. I counted 19 members on the review board for this publication, plus an Editor-in-Chief. If you count the five authors of the scientific paper, you are brought to a grand total of 25 PhDs that approved of this research that says, and I paraphrase: “weightlifting alone will improve your cardiovascular fitness.”

Therefore, one can conclude that traditional “Cardio” exercises are for the uneducated - science says so.

-Tony “I Told You So” Muscoli

This man can only be thinking one thing: “sit on my face.”

- Tony

Pain & Gain was, how do I put this, unexpectedly entertaining. Not that I didn’t expect a movie with Mark Wahlberg and The Rock to be entertaining, because I did, but it wasn’t entertaining in the way I had expected, hence “unexpectedly entertaining.”

It was trailers like this that made me think this movie was going to be all tits, ass, ass-kicking, and meathead jokes.

…It was Pain & Gain commercials like that that made me think this movie was going to be all titties, ass, ass-kicking, and meathead jokes.

Pain & Gain was NOT all tits, ass, ass-kicking, and meathead jokes. That being said..

There were tits.

There was ass…

There was ass-kicking…

And there were meathead jokes…

But Pain & Gain wasn’t intended to be a comedy. It was an artist’s depiction of true life events, and the true story of Daniel Lugo and Adrian Doorbal is fuuuuuuuccckked up.

Pain & Gain is a true story about a gang of bodybuilding kidnappers with a penchant for cash, cocaine, strippers, and steroids. It is a surreal tale of some seriously stupid people, and quite honestly it was a bit off-putting knowing that this movie would only perpetuate the meathead stereotype.

I mean, these guys were supremely idiotic, but they get away with it for the better part of a year. There is one scene where The Rock’s character is grilling human hands to “burn off the fingerprints.”

It was at this point that text flashed across the screen reminding the audience that yes, “THIS IS STILL A TRUE STORY.”

And almost as unbelievable was the actual story itself, was the size of Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock got so big for this movie that I was kind of scared…

Also maybe a little bit turned on…

As entertaining as The Rock’s size was, so was his character. Dwayne was playing Carl Weekes, a very interesting person whose stupidity is accentuated in two very different forms.

There is the born-again Christian Carl Weekes: fresh out of prison, sporting “I Am On Team Jesus” T-shirts, and preaching a new, sober, I-have-been-saved outlook on life. A character as ridiculous as only monstrous The Rock could portray:

And there was the cocaine fueled megatard Carl Weekes, as only The Rock could portray:

Mark Wahlberg got pretty beefy for this flick. Bar Paly is smokin’ hot. All-in-all, the outlandishly surreal (and gruesome) actual events that fueled the plot and storyline overpowered the gratuitous T&A and meathead comedy that my Two Scooping brain so desperately craved. And everything was overpowered by the shear magnitude of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

The Local - A well-built man was forced to take a drugs test in Stockholm recently after a police officer assumed that muscles like his could only have been developed with the help of illegal substances.

Here is the story:

27 year old Tomislav Boduljak got into a conversation with a female police officer late one night in central Stockholm. It started out pleasant, but she became suspicious when Boduljak said that he worked out, saying that his muscles were “abnormal.”

"I asked if she didn’t think it possible that I work out a lot and eat well. She said that if someone looks like me, she assumes they have taken drugs," he told Metro.

Despite repeated assurances that he did not take steroids, Boduljak was brought into the police station for a urine test, citing “unusually large muscles, particularly large arm muscles, which are a sign of steroid use.”

The test was negative. Tomislav filed a complaint.

End of story.

How fucking awesome was that story?

This guy made that lady cop so wet with his “particularly large arm muscles” that she forced him back to the police station to make him pull out his dick and pee in a cup for her. That is one kinky bitch.

If I were Tomislav, I wouldn’t just tell this story at parties, I would have an entire party dedicated to this story - a “Tomislav Got Huge and Got Away With It!” Party.

It would be the greatest party ever. Meatheads and hotties would dine on an enormous all-animal-meats buffet. The bar would be serving vodka protein shake smoothies and Beck’s 50. And when everybody is all sauced up on protein beer and steak, Tomislav gets on the mic and tells this inspiring story of persecution and perseverance to an awestruck crowd of friends, family, swole supporters, and fitness models with big, fake titties.

And when Tomislav finishes his story, everybody would cheer, and high-five, and then start doing push-ups.

Best. Party. Ever.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I feel like this is the first video I’ve posted in a while that doesn’t include half naked dudes in it. Enjoy:

I would not train for an entire week just to ride shotgun with The King. Although, I know he would never ask me to do that.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Perhaps not-so-ironically, I procrastinated over a week past Tax Day to post this.

-Tony

Reader Email:

Tony, I am training for a triathlon to get shredded for this summer. My question is, are triathlons badass? I know your opinions on cardio, but an Ironman Triathlon doesn’t have the word “Ironman” in it for nothing.

- Stew Swole

I will admit that alone, the word “Ironman" makes one envision an unbreakable Roman statue of a proud and hardened warrior. Ironman conjures up visions of a man in peak athletic form, avatars of heroism, of muscle and might, of endurance, and of Robert Downey Jr.

But alas, when the once proud word Ironman is nary but a prefix for the inevitable “Triathlon,” the adjuction of such diminishes all the heroism of the famed word “Ironman” to nothing more than delusions of grandeur.

For you see, an iron man is by definition, “a strong man of exceptional physical endurance.” However, a triathlon is, by its most popular definition, an endurance competition of swimming, running, and cycling. Triathlons utilize not one, not two, but THREE separate forms of cardio, and therefore are three times as bad for you as regular cardio.

Anybody who reads this website knows, that cardio is the Devil. Increasing the distance of these cardiovascular exercises to Ironman proportions will garner you no further accolades from this establishment.

I could end my argument there: Triathlons are cardio. Don’t do them. End of story. But I want to dig a little deeper with my closing statement:

When you are at the beach, or the club, or a cocktail hour, or an office holiday party, or really any venue where it is appropriate for you to take your shirt off, and you are standing next to a triathlete, he/she will look lean and fit, but they are nothing special until they opens their mouth to brag about their triathleteness. The triathlete’s necessity for braggadocio puts themselves at risk of looking like a giant D-bag because they are at the office holiday party shirtless, bragging about how they ran a marathon in soggy spandex.

Meanwhile, Two Scoopers don’t have to brag about their latest race for validation. A Two Scooper just looks like the calm collected stud by the bar, letting his delts do the talking.

Triathletes are either scrawny, or not good triathletes, or both. Case closed.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Is it April 26th yet?! I am going to take a half day on Friday to catch the matinée showing. In the meantime, I’ll just watch the Pain & Gain trailer on repeat to appease my ‘roid rage..

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

The Rock hath cometh. Can’t say we didn’t see this coming.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to @johnareed12 for the tip.