Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This is a sign that appeared in an Army base outside the mess, near the staff offices.
Clearly they take their pens seriously in the Army, but they also regurgitated some important Two Scoops Doctrine (Old Testament shit):

Skinny = Ugly.

If you have learned anything from this blog, it is that being skinny is shit. And if ‘skinny’ is inversely related to ‘huge’, then the Army might also concur with the hypothesis that Huge = Good Looking. So you see, I am not the only one preaching protein here. Now get off of your ass and go lift, because deductive reasoning would conclude that Skinny = ugly.
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death

Lesson: Don’t be skinny, you will die.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

A lot of bros and babes are headed to the shores this Memorial Day Weekend for what is sure to be for many, the first beach weekend of the summer. For a lot of you dudes, that means there is going to be a bikini overload. You won’t have seen this much skin in months and your mind won’t be able to process the hotness around you. You will sit back in your beach chair with a cozy full of Bud Light and try to categorize the beach broads as they strut by. With that in mind, we will defer to our old friend Bill “Biceps” Luciano to tell you…

Bill “Biceps” Luciano here, back again to show you clowns some new ways to judge women. Many of you still use the same 1-through-10 scale that you’ve used since middle school. Others recently have adopted what is known as a “binary system”. This method involves assigning girls either a 1 (if you would fuck them), or a 0 (if you wouldn’t). Simple. Too Simple. Women are complex entities, powerful in their beauty, sexuality, and independence. They deserve more respect than being labeled with just one number. They should be labeled with many, many numbers.

The Area Code System:

Lauded for its descriptiveness, this method has become very popular in recent years. As numerous scholarly publications have explained, the area code system involves boiling one woman down to three numbers. The first number describes how hot the girl’s face is, on a scale of 1-9. The second is the aforementioned binary system: would you, or wouldn’t you fuck her (1 or 0)? The third is how hot her body is (1-9). This system is a huge improvement on the previous single number systems. But it’s been around for years now, without a viable replacement. Really guys? I mean, three numbers is great, and I may not have progressed past 9th grade algebra, but you don’t have to be Alfred Einstein to know that more numbers is better than less.

The Zip Code System

The first three numbers are the Area Code System; 1. how hot her face is, 2. would you do her; 3. how hot her body is. The fourth is whether or not you would drink her bath water (1 or 0). The fifth is whether or not you would eat the corn out of her shit (1 or 0). For example, your roommate’s girlfriend who you jerk off to on a nightly basis is an 81810. Another perk to this method is that, on rare occasions, you can rate a girl 90210. Classic! Obviously I’m not stopping at five numbers. Keep reading, jerkoff.

The Dewey Decimal System

This is a six number system, with the first three and last three digits separated by a decimal point. The first number is how hot you think the girl is, on a scale of 001 to 999, for descriptiveness. The fourth number is how many pine cones you would rather eat every morning, for the rest of your life, than have sex with her (0 to 9). The fifth number is the binary “would you do her” number (1 or 0). The sixth number denotates how many fingers she is missing (0-9). That whore who threw up on my dick last Wednesday? 610.012 Believe it.

The ISBN Code

Sorry shitheads, some things are better left to professionals. But in case you’re curious, the above rating belongs to your sister. End of story.

- Billy “Biceps” Luciano

These Tumblr questionnaires pop up in my feed all the time. They seem like a huge time-suck, but we figured we would give the people what they want. Again, we didn’t make these questions up, we just answered (some of) them:

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli: Open, my clothes are too big to fit in otherwise.
Joey “Juice” Vigaroni: Closed, can’t have any broads coming over and smelling my dirty gym clothes.

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Tony: Yes, this saves me money so I can buy more supplements.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Tony: They start tucked in, but I flex in my sleep.
Joey: My sheets are usually balled up in the corner of my bed from taking broads to pound town.

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Tony: Yea sure:

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Tony: No, I rip them out with my huge muscles.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Tony: Big Bear. I can see the headline now: “Big Bear Fights Bigger Man, and Loses!”

9: Do you always smile for pictures?
Tony: No, I flex.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve?
Tony: People who use the squat rack to curl anything less than 135lbs.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Tony: I count my steps when I am doing lunges, yes.

12: Have you ever peed in the woods?
Tony: Have you ever drank beer?

13: What about pooped in the woods?
Tony: Have you ever drank NO-Xplode?

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Tony: No, I crush them and snort them like a man.

16: How many people have you slept with this week?
Tony: I’ve fucked like over 6 bitches, but they are gone before I am actually asleep.
Joey: How many days are there in a week? THAT, multiplied by 2.

17: What size is your bed?
Joey: Fucking enormous.
Tony: Double King: Two Beds. Get Huge. End of Story.

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Joey: Without sleeves… yes.
Tony: Truth, you can wear almost anything without sleeves.

23: What do you drink with dinner?
Joey: Protein shake, 2 scoops obviously.
Tony: Yup, and don’t forget your creatine.

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Joey: I’d like to state the obvious, and say the amount of chicken I eat would be a frightening amount of nuggets.
Tony: So many nuggets…

25: What is your favorite food?
Tony: Supplements.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Tony: Pumping Iron, Pumping Iron: Collector’s Edition, Ronnie Coleman: Relentless, The Marine, anything with Dwayne Johnson or Mark Wahlberg.

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Joey: I don’t kiss, I fuck.

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Joey: I’m discussing, with Tony, the idea of a Two Scoops calendar.
Tony: I am liking the idea of a Two Scoops calender.

33: Ever ran out of gas?
Joey: High protein diet, what do you think?

34: Favorite kind of sandwich?
Relevant: A Bodybuilder’s Lifestyle

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Joey: Carton of eggs, protein shake, pack of oatmeal, Animal Pak.
Tony: Preach brother… preach.

37: Are you lazy?
Joey: Take 2 scoops of Jack3D and you tell me.

43: Are you stubborn?
Joey: I refuse to answer that.

46: Are you afraid of heights?
Tony: I am afraid of nothing, except for missing Chest day.

50: Ever used a gun?
Tony: I go to the gun show every-damn-day.

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Joey: Had some chick snap my Most Muscular last night.

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Tony: Yes, every time I get the pump, it is like the feeling of cumming.

59: Take a vitamin daily?
Joey: Daily? Let’s switch the unit of measurement to hourly, then yes.
Tony: Vitamins? Yea, sure,… vitamins…

62: What do you wear to bed?
Joey: Sleep naked.

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Tony: GNC

65: Nike or Adidas?
Tony: GNC

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?
Tony: GNC

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Tony: GNC

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
Tony: No. Fuck you hipster Tumblr.

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Tony: Spotter.

71: Can you curl your tongue?
Tony: I can curl anything.

72: Ever won a spelling bee?
Joey: Absolutely not.

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Joey: The day I hit my squat max, I felt myself welling up, then I punched someone and slammed a shake.

77: Ever been in love?
Tony: With myself, yea.
Joey: With Tony, yea.

79: What was the last concert you saw?
Tony: Godsmack.

80: Hot tea or cold tea?
Tony: GNC

81: Tea or coffee?
Tony: GNC

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?
Tony: GNC

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
Joey: Yes, of course, am I fucking retarded?

85: Are you patient?
Tony: We already skipped 20 of these dumbshit questions, don’t tempt me.

86: DJ or band, at a wedding?
Tony: DJ.
Joey: Yea DJ, we trying to beat that beat up.

87: Ever won a contest?
Tony: Every Arm-Off I’ve ever competed in.

88: Ever have plastic surgery?
Joey: Don’t need it when you look this good.

96: Do you have kids?
Tony: That I know about?

97: Do you want kids?
Joey: That I know about?

98: Whats your favorite color?
Tony: Extreme Strawberry Whey

99: Do you miss anyone right now?
Joey: Jack LaLanne
Tony: I miss the time I wasted answering these stupid fucking questions.

Please note:
In the diagram below, I have highlighted the primary reason why girls should do squats:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

When most people see this picture they are going to think, “wow, what a beast!”… or something along those lines. But here at Two Scoops we think outside the box, beyond the obvious, we like to find true bodybuilding insight where others see none, and when I look at this picture, all I can think is, “that guy’s outfit is the fucking tits.”

This man, is the epitome of proper deadlifting attire. Just check out the Skin-to-Singlet ratio this guy has going on; marvel at its ingenuity. 3/4ths of this guy’s uni is comprised entirely of straps! He is basically shirtless… but he isn’t. What a brilliant asshole.

Next time you see ol’ Tony in the gym, lookout for one of these singlets, cause I’m fucking getting one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Incline Dumbbell Press while doing Incline Leg Press? Tony is impressed.

-Tony “Two Lifts” Muscoli

My colleague Tony’s recent bro-gasm onto the small of Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson’s back struck up debate within the Two Scoops offices:

Discussion: Has Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson put on more size?

Answer: You bet your fucking ass he did.

I’m sure most of you TwoScoopers are asking yourselves… But T and J, how can such a monster of a man… The People’s Champ… THE Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment… The Tooth Fairy.. get MORE huger? I’m glad you asked, because the answer is quite simple really:

ATTITUDE.

The man, standing at 6’5, roughly 260lbs decided to lose the cocky smile and clean-cut hair, and replace it all with no-fucking-nonsense. He woke up one day, looked in his million dollar mirror and said, “No more Tooth Fairy. No more The Game Plan. I’m going to accept this role in Fast Five, shave my head, grow a badass goatee, put on another 50 lbs of muscle, and go make Vin Diesel look like a 12-year-old getting his first sack hair.

Moral of the story Two Scoopers: Boots-to-Asses. There is no such thing as “Too Huge.”

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

You see that? That’s respect. The Predator could be invisible, shoot crazy missiles out of his shoulder, carry a suicide bomb with the destructive payload of the Enola Gay, rape you with his mind, and look really really scary.

Yet here he is, shaking Arnold’s hand, because in the end you have got to respect a 7-time Mr. Olympia. I know what is going through the Predator’s mind:

I can have all the alien weaponry in the world,
but one simply cannot defeat 22 inch biceps. It can’t be done.

The film opened with Arnold’s character, Dutch Schaefer, shaking hands with George Dillon:

The movie should have ended there. Everything after that wasn’t realistic. I mean, look at Arnold’s bicep, FUCKING LOOK AT IT! You can see that thing from space, and if I am the Predator, spying on Earth from space, I would see that bicep and think to myself, “nope. There is nothing in the known universe that can defeat that bicep. I’ll pick another planet to dominate thank-you-very-much.”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Name: Jason Momoa

Height: 6’ 4”

Weight: 235lb

The actor who plays the Dothraki badass Khal Drogo, on HBO’s Game of Throne, eats 56 chicken breasts a week to stay huge. That means they have to slaughter 28 chickens every seven days to feed this man. That is simply… inspirational.

• 56 chicken breasts a week, is 8 breasts a day.
• Your average boneless, skinless 4oz chicken breast contains 32 grams of protein.
• Therefore, this man consumes 256 grams of protein a day, from chicken alone!

…Talk about a role model.

If you want to look like Conan the Barbarian, you have got to eat like a barbarian.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Here at Two Scoops, we lift for one reason and one reason only:

Pure, unadulterated strength.
that gives us the power to lift heavy things…
so we can grow big muscles…
so that we can impress women.

Not every guy has the motivation, focus, and the idiot savant-esque knowledge of supplements needed to sculpt their bodies like a Two Scooper. These poor souls resort to using their “personality” to acquire females, which I find fascinating.

The latest tactic amongst common men is to quote Carly Rae Jepsen on a business card. This is a motion to present evidence to the female recipient that the man handing her this card is funny, witty, original, and in-tune with feminine pop culture.

Don’t get me wrong, it is hard NOT to love that song, but unless you were the first person to do this, you are treading on some thin ice. I can see it now:

You are all excited that you just got your box of 500 Carly Rae Jepsen business cards, you got on a fresh new striped shirt, you are ready to crush the ladies this Saturday night! Then the first girl you hand this card to responds with, “yea, thanks but no thanks. This is the second one of these I’ve got tonight.”

Beautiful, the rejection would be palpable. Then a Two Scooper can swoop in and woo that bitch with biceps, not unoriginality. And don’t go screaming, “but Tony, big biceps are even more cliche!” FALSE.

Big biceps are fucking evolution. Having big biceps to attract ladies isn’t unoriginal, it is Darwinism. Natural selection. Pump up, or get out. Only the strong survive, not the mildly clever:

Yea guys… original.

-Tony “This Is Crazy” Muscoli

Eat animals, lift weights, get huge.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

#GETATME

-Tony

This has nothing to do with bodybuilding, protein, fitness, or being a meathead.

You are welcome.

-Tony “Two Huge Tracks of Land” Muscoli

FDA.gov - FDA challenges marketing of DMAA products for lack of safety evidence
Agency cites ten companies in warning letters

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today issued warning letters to ten manufacturers and distributors of dietary supplements containing dimethylamylamine, more popularly known as DMAA, for marketing products for which evidence of the safety of the product had not been submitted to FDA.

Also referred to as 1,3-dimethylamylamine, methylhexanamine, or geranium extract, the ingredient is in dietary supplements and is often touted as a “natural” stimulant.

The products mentioned in the warning letters are:

• Biorhythm SSIN Juice
• Lean Efx
• Spirodex
• PWR
• Napalm
• Code Red
• Hemo Rage Black
• Lipo-6 Black Ultra Concentrate
• Lipo-6 Black
• Lipo-6 Black Hers Ultra Concentrate
• Lipo-6 Black Hers
• MethylHex 4,2 
• Nitric Blast
• Oxy Elite Pro
• Jack3D

Quick, everybody run to GNC!

Fire up your bodybuilding.com account!

Login to supplementwarehouse.com!

Go on EXPERT MODE and go to smartpowders.com!

It is time to BUY AS MUCH OF THIS SHIT AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

If you don’t know what DMAA is, it is the shit that fucking rocks your shit in Jack3d. Read the Two Scoops Jack3d Review if you want to learn more, but basically this shit is like caffeine on meth, and people fucking love meth.

So go stock up on Jack3d, or even get some straight up DMAA powder, before they make this shit illegal and you lose all motivation to work out.

-Tony “Two Scoops of Meth” Muscoli