Two Scoops. Get Huge.

The Local - A well-built man was forced to take a drugs test in Stockholm recently after a police officer assumed that muscles like his could only have been developed with the help of illegal substances.

Here is the story:

27 year old Tomislav Boduljak got into a conversation with a female police officer late one night in central Stockholm. It started out pleasant, but she became suspicious when Boduljak said that he worked out, saying that his muscles were “abnormal.”

"I asked if she didn’t think it possible that I work out a lot and eat well. She said that if someone looks like me, she assumes they have taken drugs," he told Metro.

Despite repeated assurances that he did not take steroids, Boduljak was brought into the police station for a urine test, citing “unusually large muscles, particularly large arm muscles, which are a sign of steroid use.”

The test was negative. Tomislav filed a complaint.

End of story.

How fucking awesome was that story?

This guy made that lady cop so wet with his “particularly large arm muscles” that she forced him back to the police station to make him pull out his dick and pee in a cup for her. That is one kinky bitch.

If I were Tomislav, I wouldn’t just tell this story at parties, I would have an entire party dedicated to this story - a “Tomislav Got Huge and Got Away With It!” Party.

It would be the greatest party ever. Meatheads and hotties would dine on an enormous all-animal-meats buffet. The bar would be serving vodka protein shake smoothies and Beck’s 50. And when everybody is all sauced up on protein beer and steak, Tomislav gets on the mic and tells this inspiring story of persecution and perseverance to an awestruck crowd of friends, family, swole supporters, and fitness models with big, fake titties.

And when Tomislav finishes his story, everybody would cheer, and high-five, and then start doing push-ups.

Best. Party. Ever.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Perhaps not-so-ironically, I procrastinated over a week past Tax Day to post this.

-Tony

Reader Email:

Tony, I am training for a triathlon to get shredded for this summer. My question is, are triathlons badass? I know your opinions on cardio, but an Ironman Triathlon doesn’t have the word “Ironman” in it for nothing.

- Stew Swole

I will admit that alone, the word “Ironman" makes one envision an unbreakable Roman statue of a proud and hardened warrior. Ironman conjures up visions of a man in peak athletic form, avatars of heroism, of muscle and might, of endurance, and of Robert Downey Jr.

But alas, when the once proud word Ironman is nary but a prefix for the inevitable “Triathlon,” the adjuction of such diminishes all the heroism of the famed word “Ironman” to nothing more than delusions of grandeur.

For you see, an iron man is by definition, “a strong man of exceptional physical endurance.” However, a triathlon is, by its most popular definition, an endurance competition of swimming, running, and cycling. Triathlons utilize not one, not two, but THREE separate forms of cardio, and therefore are three times as bad for you as regular cardio.

Anybody who reads this website knows, that cardio is the Devil. Increasing the distance of these cardiovascular exercises to Ironman proportions will garner you no further accolades from this establishment.

I could end my argument there: Triathlons are cardio. Don’t do them. End of story. But I want to dig a little deeper with my closing statement:

When you are at the beach, or the club, or a cocktail hour, or an office holiday party, or really any venue where it is appropriate for you to take your shirt off, and you are standing next to a triathlete, he/she will look lean and fit, but they are nothing special until they opens their mouth to brag about their triathleteness. The triathlete’s necessity for braggadocio puts themselves at risk of looking like a giant D-bag because they are at the office holiday party shirtless, bragging about how they ran a marathon in soggy spandex.

Meanwhile, Two Scoopers don’t have to brag about their latest race for validation. A Two Scooper just looks like the calm collected stud by the bar, letting his delts do the talking.

Triathletes are either scrawny, or not good triathletes, or both. Case closed.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Is it April 26th yet?! I am going to take a half day on Friday to catch the matinée showing. In the meantime, I’ll just watch the Pain & Gain trailer on repeat to appease my ‘roid rage..

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

The Rock hath cometh. Can’t say we didn’t see this coming.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to @johnareed12 for the tip.

Standing on the sidewalk in a tank top on my way to the gym, a school bus drives by and a kid yells out the window at me, “yo nigga I know you take steroids!

Proudest moment of my life.

- Tony

Two Scoops is starring Elise and Electra Avellan as “Ice cream scoopers by day. Danger seekers by night.”

As part of Project Green Screen, director Robert Rodriquez is working with his fans in order to find the final cut to his short film Two Scoops. There are some unfinished scenes in the movie, and Rodriguez will use crowdsourced ideas, images, and footage to complete his film.

I don’t know what is happening here, but I suppose I should have seen this coming. Ever since we started Two Scoops Get Huge 3 years ago, people have been trying to capitalize on the strength and ingenuity of our namesake.

It is always people trying to hide behind the innocence of ice cream. Just the other day some asshole opened up an ice cream parlor called “Three Scoops” down the block from me, and now this: some dingus making a Two Scoops short film is going to try to steal all my internet thunder. But you know what, I am OK with it. I take it as a compliment. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I think that we should all help this guy out in making his film.

TWEET YOUR IDEAS

For Act 2, they need “a creative genius with just a hint of madness. Watch Act 2 below and you’ll see a villain-slaying weapon, still partially in green screen. Tweet your wackiest ideas for what the weapon does, and you could help shape the story.”

Get your tweets to @Rodriguez by 5pm GMT on Wednesday 10th April. Make sure you tag them #KeepMoving”

Two Scoopers, send in your ideas to @Rodriquez, I’ll get the ball rolling:

Thanks to Halden S. for the tip.

I lost it at “Increased Perceived Dick Size.” I would have laughed harder if I wasn’t so painfully hungover… nothing a couple of protein shakes can’t cure though.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I waited a few days before posting this because I watched it on Chest Monday and it kind of threw off my whole workout having watched multiple people drop 300+ lbs on their chest over and over.

The biggest thing I wonder about when watching these videos is, how do the self videos of kids working out in their basement end up on the YouTube? Do they like humiliating themselves so they put it up themselves? Do they send it to dickhead friends who then post it on YouTube for them? If so, why aren’t these friends spotting some of these poor souls?

If you learn anything from this video, it is that suicide grip is called that for a reason.

Suicide Grip - noun - A bench press grip that involves placing the thumb behind the index finger (as opposed to wrapping it around the barbell)

Suicide Grip puts excess strain on your wrists compared to a regular grip, and in the worst case scenario, you can more easily end up like one of the assholes in this video.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli