Two Scoops. Get Huge.

As any member of Generation Y can tell you, EDM, Molly, and NO-Xplode are what all the cool kids are doing these days.

And I’ll be God damned if I am going to be caught being uncool, not even for a second. That is why I carry a pair of stunner shades and a diverse selection of neon tank tops that say things like, “KEEP CALM and DROP THE BASS” and “SEX, DRUGS, and DUBSTEP” in my car at all times - because you never know when you might get invited to a rave.

Seriously, those shirts are the best, and definitely not played-out. They say fun things, but because the “KEEP CALM” thing is British, they are still classy.

So as not to be outdone by my younger counterparts, I attended an 18+ EDM concert last night. Zedd was playing and I wasn’t about to let the old, “well it is a Tuesday and I have work tomorrow” excuse get the best of me - I ain’t no bitch.

I donned my flyest kicks, put on my brightest and most obnoxious tank top, shined up a pair of dank kaleidoscope glasses, put on a bunch of bead bracelets that I stole off some kindergartners, and spiked my hair with enough gel to declare my dome a fire hazard.

Then I put in my standard ‘15 minutes of wandering around outside the concert asking people for Molly’ so everybody knows I’m looking to roll.

My bros and I roll into the Zedd show with as much swagger as possible. I even locked myself in a dark room for 10 minutes before I walked in so my pupils looked extra dilated. By the time we made it to the bar, I’d already seen at least 3 girls eyefuck my biceps. I am so fucking shredded.

But then I noticed another thing: high schoolers.

High schoolers were fucking EVERYWHERE. Some of the girls look like I could be their father, and some of the guys look like they are out celebrating their first pube. This perturbed me at first, but then the silver lining playbook opened in front of my eyes:

Being a 20-something year old meathead, with a few of your meatbros, surrounded by little high schoolers, means that you have the size, and maturity to make the crowd your bitch.

I was with two of my rave wingmen, and we all bench more than some of these kids can score on their SATs. Do you want to push your way through a crowd with 17” arms, or 13” arms?

You wouldn’t be surprised how easy it is to make your way to the front of the crowd when the crowd consists of 130 lb kids who haven’t grown into their bodies yet.

Another fascinating phenomenon: every child with a School ID seems to have a bag of drugs in their pocket, yet they still have to ask me to buy them beers.

• Step 1: Buy beers for underage kids in exchange for drugs
• Step 2: …..?…..
• Step 3: Profit.

I remember back when I was their age… back then Dave Mathews Band concerts were the cool thing to do. Apparently, getting drunk in a parking lot doesn’t cut it these days. Now I have to “roll face” if I want to stay popular and relevant.

Whatever, gimme a bead mask. Maybe if I flex my traps real hard I can look like Bane.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This picture was posted on Facebook recently:

It received an overwhelmingly large response for people who actually agree with the joke that this image was suppose to be.

For example,

Yea… I know… try to control your anger Two Scoopers. There are so many things I want to say to this bitch my fingers can’t even type correctitfuckthatfathoe.

First of all, the two men in the pictures above are actually the same person - Drew Manning. Drew gained 70 pounds, then lost it again, to show stupid people, like the girl who made this comment, that it can be done if you eat and train intelligently. His website is Fit2Fat2Fit.

Then, in an unfortunate contradiction to Manning’s purpose, stupid people try jumping on the karma train by saying that the healthy version of Manning must be a shallow, vapid meathead who knows of nothing but protein shakes and sex with a different girl every week, which is of course a ridiculou… wait… actually that doesn’t sound half bad.

So this bitch is saying that being addicted to protein shakes and working out means I get to have sex with a different girl every week? Shit! I was about to tear this chick a new one for saying that meatheads are shallow and care about nothing but being swole, but the more I read into it, the more I actually agree with her.

Yes, I am addicted to protein shakes.
Yes, I do spend every spare moment at the gym.
Yes, I do have a new shallow chick every week.
No, I can’t figure out why I can’t get a real women, mostly because I don’t know what this bitch means when she says, “a real woman.” Aren’t all women “real?” Unless we are talking about blow-up dolls, which are terrible in the sack anyway.

One day, a Two Scooper will finally bed this chick and then she will be thinking, “WOW, here I’ve been fucking fat guys this whole time, when I should have been sucking on a Two Scooper. Fuck me right?” Then we can all have a good belly laugh about this with our friends.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

NPR - Research intended to help people with muscle-wasting diseases could be about to launch a new era in performance-enhancing drugs.

The research has produced several muscle-building drugs now being tested in people with medical problems, including muscular dystrophy, cancer and kidney disease. The drugs all work by blocking a substance called myostatin that the body normally produces to keep muscles from getting too big.

It’s likely that at least one of the drugs will receive FDA approval in the next few years, researchers say.

Listen to the NPR broadcast.

This news blows my mind in so many ways. First, there is the news that there is a chemical my body produces that prohibits my muscles from getting too big: Myostatin. Myostatin just made the Top Threats to Two Scoopers list, right up there with cardio and running out of protein.

Top Threats to Two Scoopers:

1. Cardio
2. Myostatin
3. Realizing you are out of Whey protein powder when you go to make your post working-out shake and having to use casein instead
4. Freeballing Bench Press Spotters
5. Stimulant-free thermos
6. Swole-haters
7. Cardio

Then, after finding out about the Gainz Gremlin Myostatin, my mind was subsequently blown again upon learning of the new Myostatin blockers that are on the verge of being approved by the FDA. Take a moment to ponder the implications of this for a moment:

• D-bol and other steroids are all designed to help your body recover more quickly from workouts, repairing tissue so you can work out harder and longer and see your results faster. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive myogensis - the formation of muscular tissue.
• HGH, or Human Growth Hormone, is used for its effects on cell regeneration and reproduction. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive muscle production.

Now, I’m no scientologist, but if Myostatin blockers become available, then what is going to stop excessive growth of muscle tissue? There will be no stopping it. Muscles will be able to grow uninhibited.

Muscles will finally be able to roam freely across the human skeletal system. Free from the oppression and persecution that they have been subjected to under the Totalitarian rule of The Myostatin and its army of Gainz Gremlins.

I say to you, my friends, even though we face the difficulties of The Gainz today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the Meathead dream. I have a dream that one day Two Scoopers will rise up, and live out the true meaning of their creed: “We shall hold these biceps to be self-evident, and that all muscles should be created equally, without the growth differentiation factor Myostatin blocking their way.”

Damn, that was poetic.

-Tony “No Mo Myostatin” Muscoli

Thanks to J. Frozen for the article.

Not much to say here really. Some guy put together clips of smokin’ hot babes working out, and slapped on a dope soundtrack. Just watch it, and be happy? Or it’ll just make you horny and frustrated at work - in which case, remember who gave you that boner. Or, in my case, watching this will just make you want to hit the gym to stare at spandex butts in real life. To each their own.

FYI: that ‘wobble wobble’ noise you heard was Blue Foundation - Bonfire (Dubstep Remix).

-Tony “Me Too Horny” Muscoli

I honestly feel bad for this bro. He won’t be able to look anybody in the eye when he goes to the gym tomorrow. Not being able to open a water bottle on national TV has to be on every meathead’s Top 10 Biggest Fears list, right behind “Getting Out-Benched by a Girl.”

I get asked every day to open jars and shit for people, and I do it with ease. I usually throw in an extra forearm flex just for show, especially if it’s a hot broad asking me to open her jar of pickles.

But deep down, beneath my steroid-acne covered flawless skin and bulging, muscular physique, there is a little boy whose greatest insecurity is that he won’t be able to open that jar, and that everybody will make fun of me for it and think I am less of a man. I AM A MAN GOD DAMN IT! LOOK HOW MUCH I CAN CURL! I FUCK GIRLS! *sobs uncontrollably*

When the day finally comes that you can’t open that container, and it does come - for all of us,… when that day comes I just hope to God that it doesn’t happen when I am in a public place.

And I am not a religious man, but I still pray every day that if it does happen in a public place, that a camera man isn’t there to broadcast it on national television.

And if that moment when I can’t open a water bottle does get broadcast on national television, I just dream that there won’t be two sports commentators there to call me out and ridicule my now seemingly pointless physique.

I feels for this bro. I feels. If you have any shred of decency in you, you will add an extra set of Farmer’s Walks to your training today. Do it for your shamed Brethren in Swole. Do it for your fellow Two Scoopers. Do it for your forearms. Do it for yourself.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Are you sick and tired of always being second best?

Are you frustrated by all the hard work you put into cultivating mass, only to be upstaged by a new guy at your gym who walks in with even bigger arms than you?

Well look no further people, Two Scoops is going to give you the secret to making huge people, look small.

All you have to do to make huge people look small, is be a fucking giant:

The Rock is 6’ 4” 260lbs and he looks like somebody’s little brother. Arnold is 6’ 2” 235lbs and he looks like a toddler. It is humbling seeing my two personal physique heros being dwarfed by GOD DAMN GIANTS. Doesn’t even make sense.

All I can think about is NFL running backs like Danny Woodhead running straight into an onslaught of men this size.

If I do enough squats, I will grow taller, right? Right. TO THE SQUAT RACK!

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli