Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Oh hello you beautiful, beautiful thing. Whoever invented you was one of two things:

1. Fat.
2. Trying to move the day after doing heavy squats.

.

I walked limped into CVS today after absolutely annihilating my legs last night. We are talking 3x10 heavy Squats, Romanian Deadlifts, Machine Leg Press to failure, One-Legged Hamstring Curls, Standing Calf Raises, the whole shabang. I am in no condition to move, let alone climb stairs, and this absolutely gorgeous invention is there to welcome me up to the Vitamin and Nutrition isles.

Ladies and Meatmen, I am not a religious man, but I must say after Legs Day, thank God for the escalator… and elevator, can’t forget that.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

What is this monster? You kidding me with those pipes bro? GIVE THEM TO ME. By the looks of it, you got a supplement in your hands there? What is it? TELL ME NOW! I need to put two scoops of whatever-the-fuck-that-is into my face.

LaRon Landry has the “Hey Twitter, I am fucking huge" Game down. Sending shit like this out to the Tworld:

Note to self: Don’t fuck with LaRon Landry

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I led my JV High School hockey team in penalty minutes. I thought that made me badass. Nope, no it does not. Being penalized for “Too Much Man” makes you badass.

Getting this penalty, even just once in my life, would completely validate my existence. Instead I’ll have to just resort to being huge.

-Tony “Too Much Man” Muscoli

Fellas, fellas fellas… I said it last year, and I’ll say it again: today is good day at the gym. Female attendance up 100% and the overall female average goes from a 5 to an 8. Just fantastic eye candy at the gym all round, and if you do not get your workout in then you have nobody to blame but yourself (for not reading this blog and knowing better).

“But Tony, why is the day after Valentine’s such a bountiful day for staring at girls’ asses in the gym?”

I am glad you asked. We here at TwoScoops are experts on pretty much everything, so listen up as I crush your brainspace real quick.

There are a select few occasions where women will consistently over-indulge their caloric intake: Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and after break-ups. Then the following day, like the day after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, women everywhere flock to the gym.

But the kicker with Valentine’s Day: hot, single girls are out in FORCE. On V-Day they all got together and watched a romantic comedy, chugged red wine, and stuffed face with pink cake, and chocolate bars, and those chalky candy hearts that read stupid shit like “UR MY GAL” and “DIVA.” Now that they are done being sad about how they don’t have boyfriends, they are fat with the guilt of not having a man date the night before. So the next day rolls around and it is time to hit the gym with a vengeance. God bless stretchy pants, sports bras, and tight tank tops.

I’m telling you, mark February 15th on your calenders for next year: “GO TO GYM,” you won’t hate me.

Also I Googled “hot girls working out” so you can go J-O now:

I should get a fucking fog machine for when I do curls. Make me look all old London, mysteriously bad ass like Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes.

For whatever reason my eyes are drawn to the big blank space on the wall?

Yes, whoever made this stupid motivational poster, there is a better motivation than boobs: Getting huge. All this poster makes me wanna do is kinda rub one out but give up cause her face is pretty iffy.

This is ridiculous! Clearly this chick has never actually lifted a weight (or eaten a fucking sandwich). Also, that is terrible dumbbell rack etiquette.

Your aren’t fooling me sweetheart, nobody is this happy reppin’ back squats.

What’s that babydoll? You want me to call you?… So we can “go for a jog” sometime? Yeah thanks, but no thanks, I don’t do cardio.

I am still trying to figure out the athletic significance of the spandex thong.

-Tony “Too Many Sexy Ladies” Muscoli

A couple of days ago, the online pawn shop, Pawngo pulled a stunt where they mocked the Super Bowl performance of the New England Patriot’s Wes Welker by dumping 7,200 Butterfinger candy bars in Copley Square in Boston. It was one of the shittiest of publicity stunts I’ve seen in a while. It mocked a great person and and fantastic athlete, who I know would be a Two Scooper if he ever read this blog. This wasn’t about being a Giants or a Patriots fan, this was about having the god damned decency not to disrespect a hardworking man for a simple mistake, in his own city no less.

Anyway, some Boston faithful Two Scoopers stole the sign and fixed it:

Fuck you Pawngo. And when Tony Muscoli says “Fuck you,” you better run for cover.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

“‘SUP DUDES. I AM HERE TODAY, IN THIS COMPLETELY VACANT GYM, TO SHOUT AT YOU. NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO!

OK, FIRST WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW HAIRLESS MY BODY IS, YOU’LL NOTICE THAT THE COMBINATION OF MY LACK OF BODY HAIR, WITH MY LACK OF TAN, CREATES A NEAR PERFECT ILLUSION OF PREPUBESCENCE…”

"Rarrrr… I’m a monster!”

Sorry Two Scoopers, that is more CAPS LOCK than I ever wanted to include in a single post, but I couldn’t effectively mock that guy’s tone of voice without it. To give this Scott Herman guy credit, he does do a nice job explaining each exercise and its proper form.

He also does a nice job explaining that WE WILL NOT BEING CATCHING MONSTERS. Damn shame too, because I had been Googling “Monster Traps” trying to figure out how to capture the Jabberwocky that lives in my basement. Guess I’ll never find how to build a good monster trap. Thanks for nothing Steve Herman.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I have literally nothing to say. This is too fucking awesome for words.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Tony,

I have a beautiful body, I have perfected the size and shape of every muscle in my body…..except for one - the Front Calf. I dont consider myself an amateur fitness junky, but the sheer tininess of my front calf is utterly humiliating. I finally admit defeat, I come to you for advice on how to finish the perfect sculpture that is my body.

Your humble student,

- Samantha “The Sweet” Botticelli

Ah yes but of course, but of course… the elusive Front Calf. Some might say there is no such thing as a Front Calf, that Samantha here must be high or something, but they would be wrong - it DOES exist. The Front Calf, or tibialis anterior (as it is known in more scientific communities), is a hard to reach muscle, but the results can be phenomenal.

Samantha, dudes love a nice pair of legs, and a nice pair of legs isn’t well rounded without firm Front Calves. The best way to work them, i’ve found, is to do Reverse Calf Raises. You hang from a ceiling rafter by your toes. Have somebody stand on the inverted soles of your feet for safety. Then, slowly lift yourself up and down by your toes, really focus on the Front Calf. Here is a nice example of Franco Columbo doing a Reverse Calf Raise:

Also, this machine works:

Guys, the Front Calf is important for you too.

Think about it, when you are walking down the boardwalk toward some smokin’ hot babe, what do you do? You start flexing the pipes, throw up the front double biceps maybe? You try to impress her with gun show, but you notice she isn’t responding, what do you do now big shot?

You take off your shirt, naturally. But what if your chest and abs fail to impress her? She is still walking at you, rolling her eyes, your window of opportunity is closing, and fast. Fuck fuck fuck, WHAT DO YOU DO!?

Time to pull out all the stops. Time to break away the breakaways. Time to pull off your pants. You’ve tried everything else, this is your last opportunity to impress her. Maybe she is a legs girl. She finds a set of washboard abs too generic and the only thing that really gets her going is a bulging quad muscle and a tight, sexy pair of Front Calves.

Bingo. Nailed it. You are chillin’ in your briefs, your Front Calves are out for all to see and that smokin’ hot babe? Soaked. Nice job man, well played.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli