Gym Etiquette
Gym Etiquette: An Editorial
Pay attention pussies,
My esteemed colleague T-bone, who should only be addressed as “Mr.Muscoli” from this point forward, has been kind enough to post this scathing editorial – which I write as a public service to the greater good.
It’s been a decade since Tony and I were shooting nitric oxide and grunting out buddy curls in our high school gym. Since then, I have watched a new breed of young-blooded, dry-fitted, sweat-banded, soft-palmed MUFFS gradually spread – like a plague – across our fine nation’s gymnasiums.
Just about anybody who played high school soccer thinks he’s a physical trainer these days. I suspect it is precisely this influx of thin-dicked posers that is responsible for the recent abandonment of our traditional principles governing weight-lifting etiquette and conduct.
If you should fall into this category of fruit cups, I recommend you memorize the following 6 tips to shredding like a gentleman. Each has been thoughtfully crafted to help you to avoid getting beaten up by someone like me.
(1) “Do not put clamps on the bar.”The easiest way to spot one of you clamp clowns is when you put clamps on your bar for sets of Barbell Bench Press. If you can’t lift at the weight level, go back to Dumbbell Benching in the women’s stretching area.
Not to mention the fact that it simply is not responsible lifting. If you max out with a shitty spotter, how are you going to be able to shed the weight with it clamped on like that? Do us all a favor and drop that clamped weight directly onto your ugly face.
(2) “If you are going to wear pants, you must wear sleeves.”
If you are one of those people who like to wear sweatpants with a halter top to public gyms, you aren’t fooling anyone – you’ve turned your back on your lower-body, and therefore, on your dick.
(3) “Fuck your towel.”
If you leave your shitty, sweaty towel on a machine as some sort of trailer-park placeholder, whilst simultaneously dicking around on the other side of the gym, you will deserve it when Tony lights said towel ablaze, and chokes your life away with it.
(4) “No Decline Bench.”
Unless you are putting up three plates, everyone in the gym is laughing at you; just stop it.
Because there are no pictures of Arnold doing Decline Bench anywhere on the internet…(5) “If you must refill your Fiji bottle at the gym’s water fountain, step aside.”Don’t make normal people using the water fountain for its intended function and capacity wait behind you while you fill your Nalgene. Step aside for one clit-licking second, the water fountain is not your personal appliance.
(6) “Stencils out on the racks, stencils in on your backs”This rule applies to squatting, as well as benching and all barbell lifts.
Section 6.1: A gentleman, in the course of shredding his legs, chest, or back, will turn the stenciled side of his plates inward whilst lifting.
Section 6.2: Said plates should be rotated once more – to display the stencils outward – upon returning them to the racks.
Section 6.3: It was a once unwritten rule of the gym as specified by the Historical American Gymnasium Doctrine that is consistently ignored by ignorant and scrawny people. Now it hath been written.
Most Massively,
B. Pipes
A note from the editor:
This letter was kindly written by one of Two Scoops’ dedicated readers. I made minor changes to the language, added a sweet picture of Arnold, and I have posted it here as an editorial piece. I appreciate all your submissions (even though I am crazy lazy and it takes months to post shit sometimes), so keep them coming.
Yours Hugely,
Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
