Two Scoops. Get Huge.: Archive

Barry Bonds' Ex Mistress Kimberly Bell is a Bitch

Bonds’ federal trial resumed Monday with nearly daylong testimony from his former mistress, who said the slugger attributed a 1999 elbow injury to steroids use. She also discussed how Bonds became verbally abusive and said that his physique changed, offering a lurid description of his shrinking testicles, back acne, scalp hair that fell out and chest hair that turned gray. Such mental and physical symptoms are associated with steroid use.

-Huffington Post

This chick sucks. First of all, we all know what the possible side effects of steroids are, no need to spell that shit out for us. Second, OF COURSE he took steroids to “recover” from an “injury.” That is why ALL professional athletes who take steroids, take steroids. Is she going to tell us something we don’t already know? Just being a grade A drama queen. All this chick is doing is trying to blow up B. Bonds’ spot so she can sell a book. What ever happened to standing by your man? Telling the whole world about your dude’s sexual dysfunction is the lowest of the low. It happens to the best of us, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t taken a supplement or two in my day that was a boner kill.

This is the kind of chick I stay far away from. Crazy sluts out to piggyback on your muscles, money, and fame. This was Bonds’ mistress of nine years. She kept that shit on the DL for nine years, but as soon as the opportunity to cash in on the relationship pops up, she starts shouting shit from the rooftops. Every guys biggest fear. Common Barry, you have got to be able to sense that kind of crazy before the crazy gets you!

Although I can kind of understand why Bonds wanted to hit it… (NSFW: Kim Tits 1, Kim Tits 2).

Thank god Bonds’ defense lawyers were on point, bashing this witch for being a bitter, gold-digging liar.
Go Team Bonds!

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 31, 2026 5 notes

#Steroids

How much protein is too much protein?

How much protein is too much protein? NO AMOUNT of protein is too much protein. A lot of people complain, “Tony, normal people don’t eat as much protein as you do. I don’t want to eat 10 eggs for breakfast. blah blah. Two pounds of chicken for lunch is too much, waaah wah. Your body can’t absorb 68grams of protein in a post-workout shake. Two 3/4lb ribeyes for dinner is too much cholesterol.” These are the same people who do low weight, high reps because they don’t want bulk they want “tone.” Sad.
The picture below should shut you the fuck up:

If this bitch can face five fat sausages, you can fork ‘em.

FYI: Cheese has protein. Ergo, no amount of cheese is too much cheese.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 29, 2026 7 notes

#Protein

Back from Muscle Beach

I know many of you have been brought to near tears wondering where I have gone.

"Is Tony OK?! Is he in the hospital from a freak pectoral explosion?"

Fear not, for all is well now that I have returned from my pilgrimage to Muscle Beach in Venice, CA.

I have never been to Southern California before, let alone Venice Beach - but I have dreamed of it. For those of you who don’t know, Muscle Beach is a outdoor gym located along the boardwalk at Venice Beach in California. It is an ingenious idea. Put an outdoor weight-room in a place that gets 310 days of sunshine a year so meatheads can get huge and get tan at the same time. Quite honestly, I don’t know why I haven’t moved there yet.

When I finally arrived, I was slightly disappointed to not see a bunch of huge dudes lifting weights under the LA sun to a crowd of scrawny onlookers. So I stepped into the gym and changed that. Oh, what is that little kid? You want to see a bicep vein bigger than your forearm? POW! Watch out. Because I don’t just curl these 65lb dumbbells, I shot put them.

If you love lifting, you need to go to Muscle Beach. It is the only way to lift. Let me know if you are going, I’ll take any excuse to go back. Let’s get huge, get tan, and get people to watch us do it.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 28, 2026 1 note

#Gyms #Muscle Beach

Reader Email: PLANET F'ING FITNESS

Reader Email:

I have been a member at P/F for more than 3 years. I worked out, minded my own business and thought people seemed nice. I also thought being able to tan at the gym was genius. Yesterday I was in a tanning booth (they have phones with direct lines to the front desk to request more tanning time) and someone had taken the phone from the booth so I called from my cell. Some Nasty Rude girl told me that I must have taken the phone !!!! WTF do I need with an extension phone for a land line ??? The next day I was told my membership had been canceled and not to return.

-Joe L. from Maine

Joe you have a point here, nobody uses land lines anymore. I also like that you capitalized “Nasty Rude” girl, probably is that bitches real name anyway. With a name like that, she should go back to working the afternoon shift with the rest of the C-squad at the Foxy Lady.

Take this as a sign that it is time to join a gym that actually lets its users work out and tan in peace, without setting off lunk alarms or canceling your memberships and shit. Although I will agree with you, Joe, that tanning booths at the gym are pretty awesome, that doesn’t come close to canceling out the rest of the Planet Fitness bullshit. I am just impressed you made it 3 years without an incident.

Planet fucking Fitness is right. Happy to have Joe join our side in the War on Planet Fitness. Granted it will be a lopsided battle no matter how many new recruits we get, because Planet Fitness is a pussy. How many times can I say Planet Fitness in one paragraph? Fucking Planet Fitness, I just messed up your logo.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 18, 2026

#Planet Fitness #submission

It's St. Patrick's Day. I'm drunk.

I’m drunk. End of blog.

-Tony

Mar 17, 2026

#Beer

Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep: Thomas Jones

Billy “Biceps” Luciano here, with a simple tip on getting love from the ladies. It is an undeniable fact that the ladies love huge biceps. By extension, if you want love from the ladies, then you want huge biceps.

For example, this is Thomas Jones:

And this is how Thomas Jones spends his free time:

Coincidence? I think not.

You are probably saying to yourself, “But Billy, Thomas Jones is a wealthy professional athlete, he would be drowning in pussy regardless of bicep size.” Well shut your stupid mouth, dickhead. I work at Price Chopper and I have cunt clinging to me like a cotton candy tampon. You know why? I don’t call myself Billy “Biceps” for nothing. Biceps. End of story.

- Billy “Biceps” Luciano

P.S. For this segment of our series, Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep, we revisited a post that was here long before many of you even knew this site existed, Legit Biceps = Legit Babes. It is called recycling, it is good for the environment. Whatever, I’m lazy. Hope you still enjoyed that.

Mar 16, 2026 5 notes

#Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep

RipFire Scam - TwoScoops RipFire Review

Was watching some delightful commercial yesterday for a fancy new supplement called RipFire that claims to get results in just 14 days. As of yesterday, the RipFire website had no mention of any ingredients, just flashy graphics and shiny buttons all over the place telling you to “Claim your FREE bottle.” I was skeptical, but a free bottle is a free bottle.

Alright RipFire, I’ll be your fucking guinea pig.

Miraculously, I used semi-good judgement and checked their return policy to make sure I would have the same success I had with Force Factor.

After a meticulous 15 seconds of research, I came to the obvious conclusion that RipFire is a big, fucking scam. Like all these scams, after the free trial, you are put on an autoship program where they charge your credit card $104 every 60 days. No, fucking, thank you.

But Tony, what if the product actually works and it is worth that money?
Let me assure you, it is not even worth the $3.95 for shipping & handling. Since yesterday the RipFire website has been updated to include nutritional info. Wanna take a guess what it is made of? L-arginine.
Just like all these:

And although I personally love L-arginine as a supplement, it promotes nitric oxide production and increases GH levels, alone IT IS NOT worth $100. At least some of the shit above has creatine and shit in it.

And yes, I checked to see if their return policy would let me keep the contents of the $100 bottle for a full refund like the schmucks at Force Factor. No refund.

RipFire just moved past Force Factor and is now TwoScoops public enemy #2. Right behind Planet Fitness. Two Scoops gives RipFire two HUGE thumbs down.

Bottom line:

RipFire is a SCAM

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Dear RipFire people, if you send me a bunch of free shit, i’ll take this down and write a glowing review.
I can be bought. I am poor.

Mar 15, 2026

#Supplement Reviews

Terry Tate's Office Linebacker was my Dream Job

Remember this commercial from the 2003 Super Bowl?

Terry Tate’s Office Linebacker:

I shouldn’t have to explain to you folks why I think this video is awesome. For those of you who are clueless, the Office Linebacker position is secretly every meathead’s dream office job. Not all of us can be bouncers forever, there comes a time when many of us muscle heads have to hang up our tight black t-shirts, clip that velvet rope back into place one last time, bid farewell to the beautifully slutty cocktail waitresses at Club [insert chic noun here], don a pair of khakis and a tie, and enter the 9-5 grind.

When people saw that office linebacker commercial for the first time they thought it was hilarious, they loved it! Millions of hits on YouTube. But all the men who had to buy their suit pants separately from their “athletic fit” suit jackets (because not everybody with a 48 inch chest is a fat ass with a size 42 waist) cried silently at their desks, wishing in vain for HR to post a job opening for a real life Office Linebacker position.

I was one of those poor souls. I watched that commercial and I had fleeting hope that I could fit into normal society. But alas I was young, ignorant, and impetuous. I mean I was just a kid for god sakes, and my big, muscular fingers were just learning how to tie the Windsor Knot. I can remember thinking to myself, “hey, that could be ME someday.”

But now, 8 years later, I know that day will never come. Society couldn’t handle the smooth efficiency that an Office Linebacker would bring to the workplace. At least consider an Office Cornerback for god sakes. He could just hassle people for the first 5 minutes of a task then play tight man-on-man until the task was complete. Think about it: At the NYSE, if you asked a runner to get a trade across the floor, think how much faster he would go if as soon as you handed him the order, an Office Cornerback gave him a shove then started to back pedal, keeping his eyes locked on the runner’s chest.

People would move a lot faster if they could hear those footsteps behind them. Fuck it, hire an Office Linebacker and a Corner and have them play zone. Don’t have to worry about some pip squeek trying to shuffle-step into a button hook to hit on one of the hot interns because a highly trained Office Linebacker will pick that up 9 times out of 10 and lay him out even before he even starts his juke.
Only in a perfect world I guess.

God this job market sucks.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 14, 2026

#NFL #Terry Tate #Linebacker

Iron Sport Gym in PA just left a steamer on Planet Fitness's face and I couldn't be happier

Words can not express the extreme joy this video brought me. EXTREME JOY. I felt like I just watched the birth of my son (yes, it will be a boy, or I am putting it back). I’d like to think of myself as a leader in the War on Planet Fitness, and I couldn’t imagine a better guy to have on my side than Iron Sport Gym owner Steve Pulcinella. Not only is he a former World Strongest Man competitor, but he is a former World Strongest Man competitor. That means that if the War on Planet Fitness became an actual war, we would have one of the World’s Strongest Men on our team. We coming for you Planet Fitness. Footsteps baby. Footsteps.

Also, the dude at 0:56 is my idol. Not Platz, not Arnold, not Coleman, Cutler, or Captain America… that dude.

I checked out a few other videos from IronSportGym, and found this video of tryouts for the Army I am gathering to destroy Planet Fitness.

That, my friends, is two train wheels that total 1485 pounds. Only at Iron Sport Gym. “You don’t see this shit at Planet Fitness” is right. After watching these videos, I think that Gold’s Gym in Cali is to bodybuilding, what Iron Sport Gym in PA is to powerlifting - and both gym’s will be top recruiting centers when it comes to fisticuffs with Planet Fitness. Fuck Planet Fitness.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to “logaaaaaaaan" who sent me this video.

Meat.

Mar 11, 2026

#Planet Fitness #submission

Beck's 50g Protein Shake Beer

For a couple of weeks i’ve been sitting on the idea of making a “Brotein Shake.”

(Beer + Protein) * Blender = Brotein Shake.

Shit gets pretty foamy in my blender. Then, like a gift from the God of Getting Huge, my prayers are answered. BEHOLD!

Beck’s 50g:

Here is what their website had to say:

Beck’s is pleased to be the first brewer in the world to introduce the protein shake beer. Beck’s 50 will be strictly brewed according to the Reinheitsgebot, the German purity law of 1516, except with the addition of 50 grams of high quality whey protein and additional multi-vitamins.

Beck’s 50 is primarily aimed at those hardcore gym users who want to maximize their work outs whilst enjoying the cool, refreshing, crisp taste of Beck’s beer. Beck’s 50 will be available at most bars and all good health shops (in the sports nutrition aisle).

Beck’s 50 is ideal post work-out to help maximize muscle repair and growth. Fortified with BCAAs (branched chain Amino Acids), the 50g of protein is immediately absorbed by the muscles to help maximize gains.

Please drink responsibly.

Genius. Nothing says post workout nutrition like BCAAs and BEERs. “I drink this post workout to prevent going catabolic but I also like the urge for violence it gives me COME AT ME BRAH! It’s fuckin protein IN A BEER its like an anabolic beer.” Fuck yeah. Makes Michelob Ultra look like piss water. You’d think I would be running around to every beer store trying to stockpile this shit before it gets banned, but I have to blow the whistle on this one.

“Please drink responsibly?” Dear Beck’s, what in the fuck is responsible about a beer with 50g of protein? That is entirely too much protein for your average binge drinker. I see the scenario playing out like this:

I get back from the gym. Today was Chest, and I absolutely obliterated my pecs.
I reach into the fridge for a convenient, frosty protein shake beer.
After taking the 1st beer to the face, I think “hey, two beers never hurt anybody.”
After a diesel workout, my body is in a weakened state and I’m buzzing off two beers and I think, “hey this is great! I’m gettin’ huge and gettin’ drunk!” *reaches for 3rd protein shake beer*
I’m drunk.
Everybody at TwoScoopers offise is asso drunkkl sop nobody can go get real beers sso im fucked an gottaa drinks this dirty taste protein beer.
10 beers later i have had drunken TEN BEERS! and trhat is 500 million grams of PROTIEN BITCHES! and i can feel my livver collapsing now , oi better be fucking huger! TWOSCOOPSGETHUGE TO THE FACE! WOho„,.m….,mfuck i have to shit. NOW!

-tony

Mar 10, 2026

#Protein #Supplement Reviews

Play

Mar 9, 2026 1 note

#Planet Fitness

Paul Desimone WTF are you doing?

Barstool brought to my attention this video of bodybuilder Paul Desimone:

Obviously the first things that come to mind are, retardedly small head, bitch tits, and shame. I get it, Paul put on weight in the offseason to bulk up, but he didn’t have to make a stupid fucking internet video when he was fat and his gynecomastia is out of control. For those of you who don’t know, gynecomastia is the medical term for “bitch tits.” Gyno-tits are an unfortunate side effect of steroids and Paul’s are out of control.

Paul Desimone should have made the video looking like he does here:

…but he didn’t. This picture make him look almost cool - America whoohoo! Home of the free, Home of the huge, and home of the huge idiots, like Paul Desimone, who put stupid videos of themselves on YouTube giving bodybuilding a bad name. Did he not watch that video before he put it online? Could he not tell that that tank top made him look like a breast feeding mama bear?

For fucks sake clean that shit up before you put your out-of-shape ass on the internet and give the whole sport a bad name. If you are going to make a video of your pecs bouncing around, make sure your pecs look more like this guy’s:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Mar 8, 2026

#FAIL

GetHuge Gear Guide: Gym Rat T-Shirt

I want this shirt. No, I want eight of these shirts - one for every day of the week that I lift. And get one for yourself while you are at it.

Mar 6, 2026

#Get Huge Gear Guide

Evil Tough Mudder vs. Steve Tursi: Running Blogger

It was a dark and stormy night. After spending the better part of an hour running in a straight line for 7 miles and not going anywhere, runner Steve Tursi showers and makes himself an ultra-organic, grass-fed, wheat grass electrolyte health shake. He is preparing for the night’s activity. For you see, mild-mannered runner Steve-by-day becomes, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger by night. He sits down at his computer, vigorously sips his health shake, and his fingers become ablaze with the fiery passion that only a runner can bring to the keyboards.

"…his fingers became ablaze with the fiery passion that only a runner can bring to the keyboards."

Tonight, he is going to save the world from the evil clutches of The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team. For you see, some time ago, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger had fought The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team, accosting them for having this copy on their website:

"Marathon running is simply bad for you – FACT. The human body is not designed to run 26 miles straight over hard ground. Unless you are an Olympic athlete, road racing is a guaranteed way to say goodbye to your knees before you hit 40."

Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger wrote in response: “Seriously, who the hell writes this kind of crap?” Now, I’m not one to argue, but I am.

Correct me if I am wrong - Are not Marathons named after the legend of Φειδιππίδης, a Greek messenger who, after defeating the Persians at the Battle of Marathon, ran 25 miles to Athens to proclaim “We have won!”, before collapsing and dying from exhaustion? Am I understanding that correctly? The event is centered around a legend where a man ran 25 miles - then died. Legends have a basis in truth, and if this dude, a messenger by profession, DIED running 25 miles, how can you say that running that distance is good for you? Based on that fact alone, I think Tough Mudder is completely justified in writing “this kind of crap.”

However, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger's efforts weren't for not, The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team flinched, changing their website to read:

"Marathon running is simply boring – FACT. And the only thing more boring than doing a marathon is watching a marathon. Road-running may give you a healthy set of lungs, but will leave you with as much upper body strength as Keira Knightley. At Tough Mudder, we want to test your all-round mettle, not just your ability to run in a straight line getting bored out of your mind on your own for hours on end."

Hear, Hear! “Hear, all ye good people, hear what this brilliant and eloquent speaker has to say!” Does this look like upper body strength to you?

Nope. No it doesn’t. Keira Knightley may be hot and famous, but no man, marathon runner or not, should strive for her upper body strength. Unless you are striving to have (sex with) her upper body strengths (aka face and tits), in which case, join the club.

The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team is henceforth known as The Wonderful Tough Mudder PR Team, friend of Tony Muscoli and TwoScoopsGetHuge. Running should be short and sweet, but if it has to be longer than 2 miles, it might as well be Tough Mudder.

Tough Mudder people have cojones! I love it. This was entertainment.

Read Steve Tursi’s original post here:
http://stevetursi.blogspot.com/2010/03/review-tough-mudder-debacle.html

…then comment all over his blog telling him he should quit being a bitch, stop running, start taking two scoops, and get huge.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli. Out.

Mar 2, 2026

#Tough Mudder #Hot Girls Working Out

Mar 2, 2026

#Hot Girls Working Out

Two Scoops. Get Huge.

March 2011

15 posts