Most meatheads agree that the only workouts you will ever need can be accomplished in the free weight section at Gold’s Gym. However, there are a few of us on the outer fringe of exercise science who are dabbling in an activity known as running. Whoa! Easy does it; take your laptop out of the fireplace and hear me out for a second. Running is for more than just high school sissies frolicking around in tiny shorts and fancy-boy shoes. Running, in moderation of course, can help you gain more muscle definition, and that means sweeter six packs. Not so fast though, now that I have your attention, it’s time for you to learn how to run like a man, the “Two Scoops” way.
Step One: The Preparation
Essential Accessories
Cross Trainers. When running, you are going to want sneakers that allow free range of ankle motion (i.e. not your new Air Jordan XVIIs). However, running shoes make you look like a pussy. My solution is wearing cross trainers. Enough ankle motion to accomplish the task at hand, while letting people know, “Hey, I don’t usually do shit like this.”
Basketball Shorts. Similarly to the cross trainers, basketball shorts let your spectators know that just because you are running, does not mean that you are a runner. To really drive the point home, the length should fall somewhere around the middle of your calf. This also helps to hide the fact that you haven’t worked out legs a day in your life. Don’t worry about the feeling of ten pounds of polyester whipping against your legs, you’re not doing this for speed.
Designer T-Shirt. The tighter the better. After the sweet pre-run pump you’ll have worked up, you want to show off the goods. Once your biceps have the full attention of any woman within two zip codes, the next thing they’ll notice is the label. A guy who goes running in a 75 dollar tee must really know how to ball out. Make sure the brand is in full view for any potential spectators.
iPod Bicep-Strap. The bicep-strap-ipod-holder is currently very controversial amongst meatheads, since it covers up a portion of your hard-earned, godlike upper arm. However, you’ll look like a bad motherfucker with that puny elastic band bursting at the seams as it buckles under the pressure of your massive bicep. I say go for it, holding an ipod with your hand is so 2003.
The Pump
Getting a sweet pump is arguably the most important aspect of running. First, take two scoops (predicable, huh?) of NO-Xplode. To the face. Now, if you want some extra muscle tone, try slugging down a bottle of VPX Redline. Face. When you regain feeling in your left arm, it’s time to start lifting. I suggest starting out with dumbbell chest presses, full max out, at least 5 different angles. Then move on to the biceps. Seated dumbbell curls, preacher curls, olympic bar curls, and shameless flexing. Once your arms look like they’re about to stretch your Ed Hardy to the point of disintegration, it’s time to go running.
Step 2: The Running
Not much to talk about here, you just kind of run around for a while. Shit isn’t rocket science. Here are a few extra tips for you whiny fucks.
Technique
Keep your elbows aimed directly away from you, and your upper arms well above your nipples. Imagine wading chest-high in freezing cold water, and you don’t want to get the pythons wet. There you go. Now all you have to do is move your feet a little bit and BAM, you’re running baby.
Distance
Just run until your kind of tired. The first thing to hurt will be some tiny muscle near your shin that you have probably never used before. When that little sucker starts to burn, just turn around and walk home. Upon arrival, post a Steve Prefontaine quote on your Facebook status, he said some badass shit, and you just ran 1.2 miles. Chug a celebratory protein shake and hit the showers, you really left it all out there today.
E.o.S.
- Anthony “Tony Nuggets” Rizzuto
