How to Watch Generation Iron in Theaters
Generation Iron: Official Trailer
Generation Iron hits theaters on September 20th, 2013 (limited showings).
My first concern is, how far am I obligated to travel in order to see this movie? An initial search shows that they won’t be playing this movie within 40 miles of me. How far do I cast the net? Will I have to cross state lines to see this? Is it morally reprehensible for me to wait for it to come out On Demand?
To be honest, I might have to wait until Generation Iron comes out on DVD anyway, because seeing Phil Heath’s deltoids on a cinema screen could trigger spontaneous emasculation.
How to Attend a Screening of Generation Iron
For those who are able to see Genertion Iron in theaters, the thought may not have even crossed your mind as to the proper way to attend the screening of a film of this nature. DO NOT just assume that you can show up in a pair of designer jeans and an Ed Hardy T-Shirt like any other movie night, you have to come ready to play.
Prepping for the Show
You are going to want to start by prepping your body for the movie. Give yourself at least 4 hours prep time, plus time to commute to the theater.
- Shower. Cleanse yourself and then stand in front the mirror flexing while you wait to air dry.
- Hair Removal. Buzz all of the hair on your body off. It isn’t necessary to take a razor for this occasion, but it doesn’t hurt to go the extra mile. Don’t forget to trim your taint hair. You are going to look good tonight and any ladies in the theater are going to be DTF and probably into some weird shit. Never bring a knife to a gunfight, and never bring a hairy taint out with you when you might run into girls who are into buttfun.
- Moisturize. After shaving, you are going to want to get in some quality Lotion Time. Don’t ruin everything by having ashy, irritated skin.
- Bronze. Coat your entire body in a thick layer of sunless tanner, or better yet, already be tan - or be black.
- Underwear. Don your best pair of posing trunks. If you don’t having posing trunks, wear a nice banana hammock. If you don’t have a banana hammock, wear a brightly colored pair of briefs. If you don’t have briefs, wear some flashy boxer briefs and roll up the legs for maximum quad exposure. If you don’t have any of these, then go buy some because nobody takes you seriously when you wear boxers.
- Lower Body. Wear easily discardable breakaway tracksuit pants, for obvious reasons.
- Upper Body. Wear an old t-shirt or tank top. I’d recommend cutting the neckline to accentuate the V-neck that should already exist on all of your t-shirts. You will also be Hulk Hoganing your shirt at some point during the showing:
- Top Layer. Especially in colder climates, wear a hoodie. Throw the hood up as you enter the theater and channel your inner Kai Greene. Mentally prepare yourself for the movie - NO DISTRACTIONS.
- Final Prep. If you aren’t bald, apply copious amounts of hair gel. Also, don’t forget to pack a tupperware of chicken and rice, as well as a bottle of baby oil.
.
What To Do During the Movie
When you are waiting for the movie to start, you should have your hood up. Focus. Acclimate your mind in preparation for what it is about to witness. When the lights dim and the movie begins, stand up and slowly remove your hoodie to reveal yourself to the other audience members and signify to them that you are now ready to watch this movie. If you are wearing a tank top, be sure to flex your rear delts and triceps as you remove your sweatshirt.
Whenever there is a scene that talks about diet and eating habits, crack open your tupperware, and eat your chicken along with the pros.
When there is a staging scene, and the bodybuilders are getting ready to go on stage, get ready with them. Stand up and rip off your breakaways. Begin applying baby oil. The lights from the screen will really dance off your shiny muscles.
When there is a high-testosterone scene - like the scene in Pumping Iron, where Lou Ferrigno is doing Presses and he is yelling to himself, “Arnold, Arnold Arnold!” - when there is a high energy scene like that, stand up and rip off your shirt or tank top and scream like roid rage was actually a thing.
You are all now prepped to see Generation Iron in theaters. Go forth.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
