A lot of bros and babes are headed to the shores this Memorial Day Weekend for what is sure to be for many, the first beach weekend of the summer. For a lot of you dudes, that means there is going to be a bikini overload. You won’t have seen this much skin in months and your mind won’t be able to process the hotness around you. You will sit back in your beach chair with a cozy full of Bud Light and try to categorize the beach broads as they strut by. With that in mind, we will defer to our old friend Bill “Biceps” Luciano to tell you…
How Real Men Rate Women
Bill “Biceps” Luciano here, back again to show you clowns some new ways to judge women. Many of you still use the same 1-through-10 scale that you’ve used since middle school. Others recently have adopted what is known as a “binary system”. This method involves assigning girls either a 1 (if you would fuck them), or a 0 (if you wouldn’t). Simple. Too Simple. Women are complex entities, powerful in their beauty, sexuality, and independence. They deserve more respect than being labeled with just one number. They should be labeled with many, many numbers.
The Area Code System:
Lauded for its descriptiveness, this method has become very popular in recent years. As numerous scholarly publications have explained, the area code system involves boiling one woman down to three numbers. The first number describes how hot the girl’s face is, on a scale of 1-9. The second is the aforementioned binary system: would you, or wouldn’t you fuck her (1 or 0)? The third is how hot her body is (1-9). This system is a huge improvement on the previous single number systems. But it’s been around for years now, without a viable replacement. Really guys? I mean, three numbers is great, and I may not have progressed past 9th grade algebra, but you don’t have to be Alfred Einstein to know that more numbers is better than less.
The Zip Code System
The first three numbers are the Area Code System; 1. how hot her face is, 2. would you do her; 3. how hot her body is. The fourth is whether or not you would drink her bath water (1 or 0). The fifth is whether or not you would eat the corn out of her shit (1 or 0). For example, your roommate’s girlfriend who you jerk off to on a nightly basis is an 81810. Another perk to this method is that, on rare occasions, you can rate a girl 90210. Classic! Obviously I’m not stopping at five numbers. Keep reading, jerkoff.
The Dewey Decimal System
This is a six number system, with the first three and last three digits separated by a decimal point. The first number is how hot you think the girl is, on a scale of 001 to 999, for descriptiveness. The fourth number is how many pine cones you would rather eat every morning, for the rest of your life, than have sex with her (0 to 9). The fifth number is the binary “would you do her” number (1 or 0). The sixth number denotates how many fingers she is missing (0-9). That whore who threw up on my dick last Wednesday? 610.012 Believe it.
The ISBN Code
Sorry shitheads, some things are better left to professionals. But in case you’re curious, the above rating belongs to your sister. End of story.
- Billy “Biceps” Luciano
