Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Standing on the sidewalk in a tank top on my way to the gym, a school bus drives by and a kid yells out the window at me, “yo nigga I know you take steroids!

Proudest moment of my life.

- Tony

Two Scoops is starring Elise and Electra Avellan as “Ice cream scoopers by day. Danger seekers by night.”

As part of Project Green Screen, director Robert Rodriquez is working with his fans in order to find the final cut to his short film Two Scoops. There are some unfinished scenes in the movie, and Rodriguez will use crowdsourced ideas, images, and footage to complete his film.

I don’t know what is happening here, but I suppose I should have seen this coming. Ever since we started Two Scoops Get Huge 3 years ago, people have been trying to capitalize on the strength and ingenuity of our namesake.

It is always people trying to hide behind the innocence of ice cream. Just the other day some asshole opened up an ice cream parlor called “Three Scoops” down the block from me, and now this: some dingus making a Two Scoops short film is going to try to steal all my internet thunder. But you know what, I am OK with it. I take it as a compliment. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I think that we should all help this guy out in making his film.

TWEET YOUR IDEAS

For Act 2, they need “a creative genius with just a hint of madness. Watch Act 2 below and you’ll see a villain-slaying weapon, still partially in green screen. Tweet your wackiest ideas for what the weapon does, and you could help shape the story.”

Get your tweets to @Rodriguez by 5pm GMT on Wednesday 10th April. Make sure you tag them #KeepMoving”

Two Scoopers, send in your ideas to @Rodriquez, I’ll get the ball rolling:

Thanks to Halden S. for the tip.

I lost it at “Increased Perceived Dick Size.” I would have laughed harder if I wasn’t so painfully hungover… nothing a couple of protein shakes can’t cure though.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I waited a few days before posting this because I watched it on Chest Monday and it kind of threw off my whole workout having watched multiple people drop 300+ lbs on their chest over and over.

The biggest thing I wonder about when watching these videos is, how do the self videos of kids working out in their basement end up on the YouTube? Do they like humiliating themselves so they put it up themselves? Do they send it to dickhead friends who then post it on YouTube for them? If so, why aren’t these friends spotting some of these poor souls?

If you learn anything from this video, it is that suicide grip is called that for a reason.

Suicide Grip - noun - A bench press grip that involves placing the thumb behind the index finger (as opposed to wrapping it around the barbell)

Suicide Grip puts excess strain on your wrists compared to a regular grip, and in the worst case scenario, you can more easily end up like one of the assholes in this video.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Nevermind Punxsutawney Phil, Spring is here when Arnold says it is.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bust out a sweet Spring Break pump with these tips from The Dom:

-Tony

The new Pain & Gain “Red Band” Trailer came out yesterday and I am even MORE excited to see this movie after watching it. It’s got everything: Marky Mark, The Rock, midgets, fat bitches, nunchucks, karate suits, tazers, ass & titties, fast cars, and cold hard cash.

Enjoy:

"It’s called pain and gain Russ, don’t be a little bitch!"

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to Paul O. for the tip

As you may well know, anybody who is anybody was in Miami, FL the past week for Ultra Music Festival. Your Uncle Tony was, of course, in attendance and on Thursday I raged my face off at the appropriately named “Size Matters” Pool Party at the Fountainebleau in Miami Beach.

I spent most of my time blowing all of my money on $25 RedBull Vodkas and hamming it up with other awesome people like this fucking ripped older couple:

I asked these two to pose for Two Scoops and this guy immediately throws up the Front Ab pose like a hero. Not to mention the fact that his wife even flexed her nipples for the camera.

But then shit got real. Steve Angello takes the stage, the crowd looks up in awe, and that is when I saw it…

No, not the loser wearing a t-shirt at the pool party… look closer:

No, not the sexy blonde putting her hair up… look closer:

Right there! In the window, that asshole stroking THE ELLIPTICAL, of all things, while there is a massive fucking rage going on below him. I would get it if he stood up in the window and blasted some Dumbbell Overhead Presses to show off his sweet pump to all the sexy ladies below… but the elliptical?! Fuck man… I can’t even… I am so disgusted… I was so mad I threw a $10 beer at the window (I didn’t want the carbs anyway).

What an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bournemouth, UK - Fitness fanatics were left with palpitations when a car ploughed through the front window of their gym as they worked out. Members of Pure Gym, in Bournemouth, were stunned to see a silver Toyota Celica smash through the window. No-one was hurt and two women who were in the car fled. A witness said two men continued their workout despite the smash.

I am not a particularly religious man, but I think that God is trying to say something by sending this car directly into the Ellipticals.

What are the odds the gym was crowded that day and these two guys paid the chicks to crash the car into the gym as a distraction so they could claim a bench for themselves? I wouldn’t put it past me.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I’ve been saying it for years: Go “get high in the bar.” Because really, what is the point in being huge if you give up your social life to do so? You are huge, and you are therefore THE SHIT. Act like it.

At least be better than me, drinking alone while I blog… wait a minute… oh my god, my skin is coming apart… it’s amazing!

Anybody up for some Jack3d Whiskey?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Get ready to feel bad about yourself:

YouTube Description - MARYANA NAUMOVA, 13 years old, from russia benches 240 pounds RAW at the MHP power pitt at the 2013 Arnold Classic.

How much do you feel like a piece of shit right now? I don’t care if you are a 13 year old boy, a professional powerlifter, a collegiate athelete, or one of the 4 females that reads this website, watching a 13 year old girl bench 240 lbs will humble anybody.

I don’t think I was even benching 225 lbs until I was in college (much to my high school football coach’s dismay).

Looks like today will be a Chest day, you don’t really have a say in the matter.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hey Maryana, when you turn 18 give me call. We will breed and make POWERBABIES.

Reader Email:

Jay Cutler is at Gold’s Gym right now. He asked me where the assisted pull-up machine was and I pointed, then screamed like a little girl. Right before that happened, I got this photo to commemorate the occasion. I am going to put this on my resume, “Got Jay Cutler to take a picture with me to send to Two Scoops.”

- James

Brilliant shit James. Fucking brilliant. I think we have learned a few things from this photo.

1. Getting your picture taken with the guy who dethroned Ronnie Coleman will get you posted on Two Scoops 10 times out of 10.
2. Calf socks and tucked in shirts are making a comeback.
3. If your arms fit comfortably into your sleeves, you are doing it wrong.
4. Always Flex. Always! Especially if you know that a picture is being taken, there is no reason to not be flexing in it. None! Just flex, all the time, everywhere you go. Jay Cutler is doing it, you better be damn sure you are too. It’s all in the details. I guess that is why he is 4x Mr. Olympia and we are not.

.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Yea just… so… what the fuck. Guys, I don’t even… the physics don’t… Is it… ?reverse grip snatch?..Photoshop? .Hallucination? Dementia? Steroids? Fake plates? 7x Mr. Olympia? AHHHHHNOLD!

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I like it whenever Dom Mazzetti makes a new video, because it means I don’t have to do any work for a post. HUH!

Confession time: I am on a cleanse. I know what you are thinking, “what has gone so terribly wrong in your life Uncle Tony, that you had to go on a cleanse?”

I got to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. It is tough work trying to be so fucking shredded all the time. The 4 meals a day that consist of nothing but powder. The heavy lifting on a caloric deficit The heavy house music and heavy drinking every weekend. The 5 day weekends. The strict diet of meat and rice. My body can’t take it anymore! I haven’t had a fucking vegetable in 3 months… MONTHS.

I need to flush out the bad, and get shredded as hell, so I am going on a cleanse. I call it the Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0.

This cleanse is a power cleanse for only the most hardcore athletes. You must begin the cleanse by fasting for at least 2 hours. That means no food, only water and protein shakes for TWO FULL HOURS.

Now that your stomach is empty, you are ready to begin preparing the magical elixir that gives this cleanse its name:

First, take two pounds of fresh vegetables: kale, carrots, broccoli, spinach, and cucumbers… throw them away. Now, take 2 scoops of SuperPump MAX, 2 scoops of Jack3d, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0, and a dash of cinnamon and stir into a gallon of whole milk that has been pre-saturated with four scoops of whey protein (it doesn’t matter what flavor whey - the combination of pre-workouts is going to give your taste buds autism anyway). Remember to stir all these ingredients together. DO NOT SHAKE.

The back of the NO-Xplode tub clearly states that you should stir the ingredients, DO NOT SHAKE. Obviously, this stipulation exists because, when mixed with water via shaking, NO-Xplode becomes unstable. More specifically, NO-Xplode’s stability is compromised when the delicate PhD imbalance created by the proprietary creatine matrix begins oscillations from shaker cup mixology techniques. The oscillating PhD levels cause insurmountable levels of volatile bowel instability which can result in involuntary release. DO NOT SHAKE!

With this in mind, it is best to stir all of your ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

• 1 large mixing bowl
• 1 large spatula or spoon
• 2 scoops SuperPump MAX
• 2 scoops of Jack3d
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0
• 4 scoops Whey Protein
• 1 Gallon of whole milk
• Cinnamon

Once you have stirred all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, your cleanse “juice” should resemble the inside of a vinegar and baking soda volcano; the “juice” should be frothy, discolored, and the smell should be uncomfortable, but not unsettling.

Funnel your Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse Juice back into the gallon jug the milk came in. Enjoy!

Bring the jug everywhere you go and sip on it throughout the morning. By noon you will have pooped 3 times, GUARANTEED, and by the time you finish the cleanse, you will feel SUPERHUMAN.

This shit really works! Take it from me, Tony Muscoli, because I firmly stand behind all the shit I make up.

1. Mix 4 scoops of whey with whole milk
2. Stir in 2 scoops each of SuperPump MAX, Jack3d, NO-Xplode, and NO-Xplode 2.0
3. Add a dash of cinnamon
4. Stir, let settle for 5 minutes.
5. Pour mixture into gallon jug
6. Drink throughout morning
7. Shit yourself
8. …?
9. Be a superhero

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I was at the gym yesterday, and for the first time in my life, I got turned down when asking for a spot.

I went to the gym during my lunch break so I wasn’t surrounded by the usual 5pm Meathead Rush Hour. The lack of swole was highly apparent when I had to stoop to asking a scrawny, “outdoor adventure guide” looking dude to spot my heavy bench sets.

I figured it was a shoe in. Obviously a guy with 13 inch biceps, a bandanna, and those abysmal toe shoes would be honored to spot all the might mass of Tony Two Scoops… right?

I was wrong. I asked the hippy, “would you mind helping me out with a spot real quick?”
And do you know what the little shithead said to me? ”No. Sorry man, I don’t do that.”
Oh, you don’t do that? This isn’t fucking heroin buddy, this is a spot. You are literally helping somebody improve their lives by assuring they don’t crush their chest cavity whilst they work to better themselves.

Spotting somebody is one of the most efficient acts of kindness one can oblige upon a stranger. It takes no more than 60 seconds of your time, that person is sincerely grateful to you, and the only side effect is that you may feel obligated to say “hi” to that person next time you make eye contact with them at the gym.

If you have ever turned down a spot for any reason less than “sorry, but this preworkout shitstorm is coming RIGHT NOW,” then you are an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Good. I’m glad that Iceland Fitness made this video because now nobody else has a reason to make another Harlem Shake video. I think 2,500 videos is enough right?

I think we are all obligated to watch every single one in order to compare it to the other 2,499 Harlem Shake videos, and I can’t get anything done if people keep making these fucking things.

Can we all agree that hot foreign girls in tiny spandex are a nice icing on the cake? Fad over? Yes?

Now please don’t make any more of these videos so I can go masturbate to the blonde in the squat rack without interruption. She is pretty far in the background so it takes a lot of concentration.

Thank you.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

If you’ve never heard me say it, I’ll say it again: you can only curl in the squat rack if you are going to rep two plates or more. We are talking a 135 pound minimum…

CT Fletcher is allowed to curl in the squat rack. In fact, CT Fletcher is allowed to do whatever he wants really, because I sure as hell ain’t going to get in his way. I wasn’t even talking shit, but I still got scared when I was sitting on the couch blogging and he says, “what the fuck you gone do besides sit on the couch and talk shit? You hip-having ass, you punk poop butt motherfucker.” I am not entirely sure what his insult was, but it sounded like “punk poop butt motherfucker,” and it sounded fucking mean. Black people are so cool.

The man is a beast:

• 3x Drug-Free Bench Press World Champion
• Best Competition Bench Press: 650 lbs (725 lbs in the gym)
• Strict Curl Record of 225 lbs (“strict curl” has head, back, and posterior in contact with the wall behind the lifter)
  
• Tookie Williams was his idol growing up

.

That should give you an idea as to who CT Fletcher is, and if you don’t like it, than “fuck you.”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Pretty much what the title says:

A good blogger would post this picture and then provide some backstory. A good blogger would tell you all about what gym this is, and where you can find one near you, and inform y’all as to why there are so many fine ass hunnies working their glutes all over this photograph… but not this blogger. Not Tony. I don’t have the time, nor the energy to find out more about this picture (too busy jerkin’ it).

So just look at it the picture; marvel at its surrealism.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hold CTRL, SHIFT, and hit “+” to zoom in.

Valentine’s Day can be tough for us hardened meatheads. Everywhere you go it’s pink and red and hearts and kisses and estrogen and it makes my balls smaller.

OMG! Happy Valentine’s Day <3 lmao :-P MWA

To help save you from this mess of Hallmark menstruation, here are some Valentine’s Day articles that won’t make you cringe:

1. Preparing a Protein Packed Romantic Meal
2. The Day After Valentine’s Day (At The Gym)
3. The Best of ChickenTuna’s Butt

At 1:20am this morning, I received this inquiry from a younger Two Scooper:

hollister01922 - I’ve always wanted to be big I’m 14 and weigh 164 lbs, I know small right, but I bench the most in my grade level maxing out at 200lbs, am I on the right track ? I’m also 5’9. Doesn’t hurt to start early huh? But I know some of these supplements aren’t for my body just yet but could you recommend any?

My first reaction is to say, this kid is smart, and he is strong. He is already benching 120+% of his bodyweight and is only 14 years old. His grammar and punctuation could use a little work, but that will come with 8th Grade English. Not to mention, he has the wherewithal to stay away from powerful supplements that may interfere with his body’s natural growth process.

My advice to hollister01922, and any other younger Two Scoopers out there, would be to stick to real food. Supplement your diet with two scoops of whey protein post-workout,… and pre-workout… and for breakfast, and also with lunch, dinner, and before bed. And if you need a boost of energy before you train, drink coffee. A multi-vitmain, creatine, and BCAAs won’t hurt you, but focus on eating a lot of natural foods while your body is still growing and adapting, puberty-ing, and having wet dreams.

You are in the prime of your life, your body is releasing growth hormones and testosterone like a motherfucker. Your body can grow and heal faster than it every will be able to again. All us older meatheads know that once you hit a certain age, your hormone levels and energy levels aren’t what they once were. This is why we take supplements, to make us feel better about aging (also they make us huger).

Nature itself has given young lifters (under the arbitrary age of 18) all the tools they need to get big. Eat clean, train hard, take Two Scoops of whey, murder people on the JV Football field, and you’ll be a Middle School BEAST.

But then I got this message from hollister01922 17 minutes later at 1:37am:

hollister01922 - Ayee tony, read your blog sounds good , much better than mine I’m only 15 and 5’9 and weigh 165 but I max out (bench) at 215 lbs. I’m on a good path right? Never too early right ? But I also know some supplements are too powerful for my body could you recommend some for me?

If your reading comprehension skills are good, you will notice that in the span of 17 minutes, hollister01922 became one year older, one pound heavier, and his max bench increased by 15lbs.

This means that whatever advice I am giving to 14 year olds is dogshit compared to what this kid knows. If you can increase your max bench by 15lbs in 17 minutes, don’t listen to me, just keep doing whatever it is you are doing (which I assume is taking Two Scoops).

Either that, or this kid was drunk and I am right.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

The boys at Gold Medal Bodies, @RyanHurstGMB and @AndyFossett, had me on their podcast this week to answer some questions about Two Scoops.

Listen to the Podcast (Streaming from GoldMedalBodies.com).

Download the Podcast (mp3)

This was my first time venturing out from behind the comfort and safety of my keyboard, and I’m not going to lie, it’s strange. Given how many brain cells I’ve killed with JV Football concussions, passing out on max Barbell Bicep Curl sets, boozin and doobies, and #partyingwithdrugs, I enjoy the luxury of a backspace key when it comes to preaching the Two Scoops Gospel.

That being said, they asked me easy questions and I’ve mesmerized my blog cover-to-cover (‘cause I wrote that shit), so I regurgitated and passed.

I would do another interview, just next time I will take 4.5 scoops of Ravage, yell high pitched Ronnie Coleman quotes at my interviewers, and eat my phone mid-interview. Any takers?.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t know if you guys knew this, but there was a Beyonce concert AND The Super Bowl playing at the same time as the Fast & Furious 6 Movie Trailer Premiere last night.

Do you guys really need me to tell you how awesome this will be? I think just having Vin Diesel and The Rock on the playbill should be enough.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Tony,
Love Two Scoops, I read that shit everyday, but I have a question. I know you say you eat a lot of protein, but what about vegetables? Don’t you think that the micro-nutrients or phytonutrients or whatever in plants are important?

- Vegetably Curious

Vegetables? What are… I don’t know what those are? Is that a bicep curl variation? And what the fuck is a phytonutrient? I don’t understand the question.

I’m kidding of course. I know what vegetables are. I run an internet bodybuilding/being-huge-and-awesome blog, so I have to be knowledgeable on these types of things.

I actually conducted my Senior Internet Blogging Doctoral Hypothethesis on vegetables. My research suggests that “vegetables,” as you call them, are actually plants invented by vegans and ladyboys so that they can have regular bowel movements.

Below is an artist’s rendering of what “vegetables” might look like:

According to a study that I just made up, ‘people who eat a diet that consists primarily of fruits and vegetables can have up to 6 bowel movements a day [citation needed].” Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

I like to keep myself irregular by constipating myself with a high protein diet and painkillers - the pressure buildup helps you bust out some extra reps (just be careful not to shit yourself when you are maxing out on back squats).

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

For those of you who don’t know Dom Mazzetti, he and I had had a little riff last year when he made his video “Dom Mazzetti vs. Meatheads" - and by riff, I mean I wrote a blog post about the video.

Since then, Dom has launched a new YouTube channel called BroScienceLife, and it would have been the first YouTube channel I’ve ever subscribed to, if I knew how to subscribe to a YouTube channel. I laugh out loud at least once during each of his videos.

What is Bro Science? was the first video posted to this channel, and it sets the stage nicely for future videos from “The Dom.”

I’d like to think that Dom and Tony where childhood friends. Growing up in Brooklyn, they used to hang out in the Gold’s Gym parking lot together, shooting paper clips at people running by and shouting “cardio loser!”

Eventually Dom went away to acting school, and Tony stayed in Brooklyn to attend SUNY, but they kept in touch. Dom became a YouTube sensation, while Tony struggled to write posts for a blog with 6 followers. Tony developed a supplement problem that lead to bouts of Pre-workout Induced Insomnia and a horrifying case of Bull Testicles.

Then, Tony’s modest, yet loyal following decided to help. They wrote to Tony’s old friend Dom and said,

Dear Dom,
Have you ever considered inviting Tony Two Scoops onto your show? He really needs your help right now. He has developed a crippling supplement addiction and is taking upwards of 10 scoops a day - I can’t even count how many pills! The roid rage is unbearable, his blog posts are starting to be affected. I think having him on your show would help him get back on track.

Yours Hugely,
A Concerned Two Scooper

You guys see what I am trying to do here? Copy and paste that letter into an email to Dom, or Tweet @DomMazzetti, or whatever you kids do these days. Help your Uncle Tony out.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Get Huge

If you can make it past the 2m20s intro, then you bear witness to this defecation on my soul:

"For you lightweights out there, that maybe have weak stomachs, maybe you can only do two scoops… What I do is the top dose, which is four scoops. But you know, I’m still not happy with four scoops… so I do about 4.5 scoops." -Rich Piana

Did Rich “Mr. California” Piana just call me a lightweight!?

Listen, you can insult me all you want, but you can NEVER insult the scoops. Two Scoops is what got me, and all the other Two Scoopers out there, where we are today. Two Scoops is about not settling for Number 1, and pushing out a Number 2… Wait that didn’t come out right - Two Scoops is about not settling for 1, and striving to be Number 2…? You know what I mean.

I can only imagine what kind of shits Mr. Four-And-A-Half Scoops takes (…big shits).

I’m pretty sure Piana’s shoulder veins alone carry enough blood to supply a Quentin Tarantino movie. Other than that though, he doesn’t look so big - the camera ads 10 pounds, right?…

Name: Rich Piana
Residence: Northbridge, California, USA
Height: 6’0” (183 cm)
Contest Weight: 250 - 260 lbs. (113kg - 118kg)
Off-Season Weight: 280 - 290 lbs. (127kg - 132kg)

Sweet Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Infant Jesus of Nazareth - that man is a MONSTER.

I pissed my spandex when I found this dude’s profile. We are practically the same height, but he has 90 pounds on me. That means he is 90 lbs wider than I am. That is so… girthy. It is fucked up, is what it is, and I want it.

4.5 scoops it is I guess, until my intestines spitefully shit themselves out.

-Tony “Two Plus Two and A Half Scoops” Muscoli

I Googled “Muscle Guzzle” after watching this ad. When I found out it doesn’t actually exist, I bought a Spartan costume to compensate.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Gather round everybody. Please, Scoopers, scooch closer. Put on your XL Snuggie, curl up with your laptop and a mug of hot chocolate whey, and let me tell you the tale of Kimbo and Minion.

Call me Muscoli. I am a frequenter of the gym, a meaty man if I you will. And as such, I have grown accustomed to the company of other such gym goers. I see them frequently, their faces become familiar, and their character begins to emerge. This is a story about two such characters.

In a magical region known as “New England,” which is like the original England, except it is paradoxically more diverse while at the same time more racist (lookin’ at you, South). And in this magical land of New England, in one particular gym, at one particular time of the day, there are two guys who can always be seen training together at the gym.

Now on this day, Kimbo is setting himself up for a set of Barbell Bench Press. He has loaded a 45lb plate onto either end of the bar, followed by nine 10 lb plates. The 10lb plates were stacked all the way out to the end of the Olympic bar.

Kimbo and Minion had spent so much time gathering the 10 lb plates from all over the gym, that gym staff had taken notice and come over to have words with the two. A gym employee, dressed in black athletic shorts and a black polo shirt with the words “Master Trainer” emblazoned upon the back, strides over to speak to Kimbo.

This “Master Trainer” is no small man. His sleeves are strained by the girth of his biceps, and his chest was filled with the confidence of a man who has put in his due time with the iron. Yet at a measly 6’1” he looked small next to Kimbo.

Master Trainer: "Excuse me sir, but could you please keep in mind that other patrons would like to use the 10 lb plates as well?"
Kimbo: "Of course."
Then, while maintaining eye contact with the trainer, Kimbo turns his head over his shoulder and calls back to Minion in his thick French accent, “Amar, help me take some of these plates off.”

When he finally reaches failure, he racks the weight with the help of Minion. Minion then runs from end to end and sheds a 10 lb plate, splashing it on the floor. Kimbo starts pressing again. With each rep his grunts and shouts of exertion grow louder! Nearly everybody in the weight room has stopped what they were doing and are peering over at the Bench Press Rack to catch a glimpse of this most glorious spectacle.

Minion sheds another 10 lb plate, Kimbo presses the bar. This repeats until all eighteen 10lb plates are littered across the floor. Completing about 4-5 reps at each weight, this whole process took almost 2 minutes. The sound of the weights dropping on the floor seemed to harmonize with Kimbo’s shouts, culminating in a cacophony of testosterone that had gawking gym goers rolling their eyes with admiration.

Then it was over, and there was silence…

Kimbo stands up, a towering behemoth of a man, and gazes around at the destruction he has caused. Then he looks at the Master Trainer (who hasn’t moved yet), and calmly says, "You can use the weights now."

He then strides off, leaving everyone in aw, and his minion scampering around picking up 10 lb plates off the floor.

I think my dick actually got smaller watching this all happen. Kimbo had out alpha-ed the most alpha male. I beta go home and rethink my life goals.

-Tony “Too Small” Muscoli

I’m going to get so fucking shredded. Insanely shredded. Ultra shredded. Shredded like the lettuce in the salads I don’t eat. Sly in Rambo 2 shredded. Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder shredded. Firesale at Iron Mountain shredded.

I’m going to get so tight you can see ab striations. I’m not going to drink water for days. It’s going to look like somebody spray painted my epidermis onto my pectorals. Even my penis will look tight. The skin will have that boner-stretched look, even when it’s flaccid.

I’m going to look harder than the tree that girl sexed at last year’s Ultra:

In the month leading up to UMF, I’m going to eat nothing but cardio and egg whites. I’ve already stocked up on a 1 year supply of Hydroxycut Hardcore that should last me the month.

Is there such a thing as negative body fat? If your answer is “no,” then you need to see me at Ultra. Shredded.

I’m going to get more fucking cut than this old man:

I’m telling you guys, I’m going to be so cut up for Ultra. Chicks are going to want to grind my quads. Have you ever seen my calf muscle? Neither have I… until ULTRA! Shredded. I’m even going to shave my legs so you can see my calf in high definition. I am not going to shave my whole leg though, I’m not a chick. I am just going to shave out little windows on my calves.

I’m going to get so cut, so shredded, so inhumanly dehydrated, that any hit of Ecstasy would cause immediate cardiac arrest. I’m going to rage 16 hours a day, for 3 days straight, on testosterone alone.

I’m going to get so shredded.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Gentlemen, this is wonderful news! Gone, now, are the days when men would slave away, struggling to provide their lady partners with that elusive female orgasm. Now you can just tell one in every three girls you sleep with, “hey, sorry I came so fast. Just go do sit-ups until you finish too.” Problem solved. I think I may have just saved a few marriages.

Learning that women can have orgasms from exercise is a total game changer! How many times have you found yourself in this situation:
Your significant other is horny, but you have to watch Sunday Night Football. For whatever reason, your girl says that giving you bo-bobs while you watch the game isn’t going to cut it. Knowing what we know now, this is a perfectly legitimate response:

"Go do some abdominal exercises. I’ll be with you in a minute. I need to watch Ray Lewis murder somebody else before he retires."

Sit-ups are the perfect solution! Your girl gets off while she gets a workout - talk about two birds!

Everybody wins: she is sexually content, she doesn’t feel as guilty for sneaking a piece of cheesecake for breakfast, and you got to watch Andrew Luck’s luck run out.

Now that I have saved you thousands of dollars in couples therapy, please send donation inquiries to [email protected].

Sincerely,
Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to James G. Guttershot for the article.

This is a commercial for The Anti-Gym, an extreme, and sexy gym in Denver, CO run by Michael Karolchyk. Oddly enough, the gym is now closed due to Karolchyk’s failure to pay backtaxes to the tune of $184,000.

I can only imagine how much shit this gym got for this commercial - the Beer Googles Fairy, who came exploding out of the refrigerator, basically just committed a hate crime by assaulting that fat chick with a cream pie.

I totally get what they are trying to do, the message they are trying to send: “We are not a bunch of Planet Fitness Fucks here - Meatheads and Elliptical Bunnies only.” However, the general public (an increasing portion of which are overly sensitive “chubbies”) probably can’t look past the hate crime they just witnessed long enough to observe the subtle brilliance of this commercial.

Not only is the script amazing, but this commercial preaches some valuable life lessons:

1. Alcohol is not a solution to your problems.
   "This is pathetic! You need a beer bottle or a can to get a man?"
2. Proper nutrition is important for mind, body, and sex life.
   "A chubby eating a pie! That’s why you’ll never get a guy!"
3. If you are trying to find a man, and you aren’t hot, beer works.
   "[Beer] is the only way I can get a guy to come over!" Truth.
4. If your fridge is full of beer, and you are fat, your fridge might spontaneously combust into a meathead.

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If PC Police sirens stop wailing long enough for you to actually sit and really watch this commercial, and I mean really watch it, then maybe we can all reach an agreement as to whether or not this commercial is the best gym commercial ever, or the greatest gym commercial ever.

Shame this gym had to close down, Karolchyk, the owner, was a brilliant marketer…

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Pair Mark Wahlberg and The Rock up as a couple of idiot bodybuilders in Miami who get caught up in extortion and kidnapping that goes all bad, and what do you get? What is most likely Michael Bay’s most awesomest film to date:

OH HELLLLLL YES.

I got chills watching that trailer. I have goosebumps. I have a boner. No… I have TWO boners. I am beside myself with joy. At this very moment, I am currently experiencing: happiness, joy, elation, anticipation, euphoria, jubilance, omniscience, and orgasms.

"I need a pump!" Is it April yet?

-Tony “Too Excited” Muscoli

Thanks to Paul O. for sending me this trailer LITERALLY the second it came out.

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony

Trying to be a twoscooper from England, and today my friend ridiculed me for seasoning my 6 egg omelette with creatine. Naturally, I punched him in the face. What are your thoughts on creatine seasoning?

-UKTwoScooper

First things first: bravo to this man for getting mega swole with a 6 egg omelette. And bravo to him for punching his friend in the face for not supporting his quest for Godliness.

I think creatine seasoning is a phenomenal idea. Supplement seasoning in general should be standard practice in my humble opinion.

Are you making oatmeal in the morning? Don’t add sugar (read: empty calories) to make it bearable, instead add a couple dashes of whey protein powder to give it flavor.

Pancakes? Add two scoops of whey and tablespoon of creatine to turn your pancake breakfast from a pile of Carby Fat-Fat Frisbees into a Stack of Swole Splendor.

Making a wrap for lunch? Before you roll up your chicken, lettuce, and tomato, slap a MET-Rx Big 100 Colossal protein bar in the middle to really round out your meal. I find that the Peanut Butter Pretzel flavor compliments a whole-wheat wrap nicely.

Freebasing crack cocaine? You guessed it; add some creatine to that spoon before you heat it up, my brother. Shit will FUCK YOU UP (no idea if the creatine plays a role in that).

Be careful with your creatine recipes though, use too much and your meal/shake will start tasting a bit like sand - delicious, muscle-volumizing sand.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you guys for a little while and this site is by far one of my favorite in the entire internet. I’ve been working out regularly for almost 5 years and I’ve got next to nothing to show for it because I’m an ectomorph. I’ve tried low-rep, high-weight lifting; different supplements; everything. Nothing seems to work. Is there any advice you can give me?

- lachenauer

As a matter of fucking fact lachenauer, there is some advice I can give you. We don’t call this glorious website “Two Scoops Get Huge" for nothing.

First off, let me quickly diagram what an ectomorph is, for those readers who don’t know:

An ectomorph is your typical skinny guy. Ecto’s have a light build with small joints and lean muscle. Usually ectomorph’s have long thin limbs with stringy muscles. Shoulders tend to be thin with little width.

• Thin, “delicate” frame and bone structure
• Flat chest
• Small shoulders
• Lean muscle mass
• Finds it hard to gain weight
• Fast metabolism

Now that we have established that you are skinny, it’s time to get you HUGE.

What is the major difference in diet between fat people and skinny people? Big people and little people?

FOOD.

Simply put: bigger people eat more food. It makes sense doesn’t it? You need fuel to grow, so if you eat more food, you grow more. Just take a look at The Rock’s cheat meal from last month:

After over 100 days of eating clean, The Rock ate a cheat meal consisting of 12 pancakes, four “double-dough” pizzas, and 21 brownies.

Obviously, The Rock doesn’t eat from this diabetes-inducing menu every day, but it gives you an idea as to the shear volume he consumes.

You can’t just eat 21 brownies a day and expect to get huge. You might get a little flabby, but not HUGE. We are trying to pack on some muscle here, don’t waste your stomach space on empty calories. We want to eat what the body can use: protein, carbs, and fats (take a multi if you want “vitamins”).

Most specifically what you need is protein - lots, and lots, of protein. Approximately 1 Metric Dickton of protein a day. Here is your shopping list next time you go to the grocery store/GNC:

1. Whey Protein Powder
2. Casein Protein Powder
3. Chicken
4. Steak
5. Tuna
6. Whole Milk
7. Eggs
8. Greek Yogurt/Cottage Cheese (whichever you prefer)
9. Carbs (rice, pasta, vegetables, etc.)
10. Anabolic Steroids

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Eat ALL THE TIME. As an Ectomorph, your metabolism is probably chewing through your caloric intake like a wood-chipper being fed kindling. You need to FEED THE BEAST. Here is a schedule for the day:

• Upon Waking: drink a whey protein shake (two scoops in whole milk). You have been sleeping for 8 hours, your body is fasted, it is hungry… feed it.
• All Day: You see that shopping list I made for you? Cook it. Grill up that steak, bake the chicken, hard-boil the eggs, open the cans of tuna, and cook your rice. Season to taste. Then put all those delicious calories into a garbage bag. Hire somebody like a personal trainer, or a call girl, or a midget to follow you around with the garbage bag full of food, and have them shove food into your mouth throughout the day.
  
  
  I pay this chick $50/hour to shovel calories into my face.
  
  
• Nightime: This is important, you are about to fast for 8 hours while you sleep, so you need to fuel up. Every night when I come home from the gym, I (roughly) follow this grueling evening eating schedule:
• 8:00pm: Whey Protein Shake - two scoops in whole milk, 60g protein.
• 9:00pm: Dinner #1 - Meat, 8oz Steak and maybe a vegetable, 60g protein.
• 10:00pm: Dinner #2 - Meat, 6oz Chicken Breast with rice, 50g protein.
• 10:59pm: Get weeded up on the pot (having the munchies is almost essential to the next phase of consumption).
• 11:00pm: Snacktime - 2lbs Greek Yogurt, 92g protein.
  (Warning: This step is not for beginners! Your stomach asshole will NOT thank you in the morning)
• Right before bed: Casein Protein Shake - Casein is a slow digesting protein, so consuming this right before bed will help you avoid muscle catabolism (breakdown) whilst you rest.

.

Hopefully that gives you an idea for how much you need to be eating every day. Actor Chris Hemsworth is a naturally skinny guy, so when he was bulking up for his roll in Thor, he was eating upwards of 6,000 calories a day.

Before:

After:

Now that we have upped your calories, up the intensity in the gym. We’ll talk about that in:

How to Get Big: From Scrawny to Brawny - Part 2 (coming soon…)

Ah, remember the good ol’ days? Back in ‘94, when a carton of eggs was 90¢, gas cost only $1.00/gallon, Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by Tonya Harding, old men could deadlift 485 lbs, and Ronnie Coleman still had hair?

I love how even back before YouTube made it famous, “LIGHT WEIGHT!” was still Ronnie’s catch phrase. But what I love even more is Old Man Roy’s Shake-It-Off move. I might just start shouting that at the gym.

"Shake it off Roy! Shake it off Roooy!

I’ve already adopted the swimmer arm shake before big lifts, now all I need is a black man shouting “shake it off Tony!” before my big lifts to make it legit.

I miss young Ronnie. The dude looked good. He looks almost… plausible. Like, if I kept lifting for another 4 years - and was black - I could maybe, just maybe, look like that. Of course, this was before he shaved his head and turned into the 8x Mr. Olympia MONSTER we have come to know and love.

And looooong before he retired, and became the broad side of a barn:

It would have sucked lining up against Young Ronnie in Pop Warner. I would have probably just rolled over and played dead.

-Tony “Light Weight!” Muscoli

I am so insanely excited for this movie, my traps are getting anxiety over it.

Only 4 months and 19 days until Pain & Gain hits theaters.
Marky Mark AND The Rock!? Dreams do come true.

I once had a dream of being this boss, but then I looked down and didn’t have Zebra pants…

-Tony “A Little Bit Too Excited” Muscoli

Do you meatheads know what you are looking at? You are looking at the top 10 terms people search in Google that lead them to TwoScoopsGetHuge.com - real complicated internet shit.

Do you see what the #8 term is? I have circled it in red in case you can’t count.

"websites like two scoops"

"Websites like Two Scoops" is the 8th most popular term of the last few weeks. What the shit guys? Is Two Scoops not enough for you?

I feel like I am being cheated on. I feel like I just stumbled onto my girlfriend’s online dating profile.

What is it about this site that makes you run off looking elsewhere for your meathead satire? Over the last 3 years, we have posted over 400 articles, pictures, videos, and nip slips - have you really seen all of them? Have you read each article to completion? You know it doesn’t count unless you reach completion.

What else do you want me to do?! I’ll do anything (within reason) for you! I love you! I CAN CHANGE!

Whatever. If it’s websites like Two Scoops that you want, that is what you will get.

1. www.twoscoopsgethuge.com
2. End of list.

.

<3 Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

At least once a day I am asked about cardio, so I am going finally set the record straight.

The question I receive most often from the treadmill hoes, is “Tony, you really don’t do any cardio?”
And the answer is always, “No. I do not.”
Cardio will stunt your growth. For you see, the repetitive body movements of traditional cardiovascular exercises cause the participant to maintain an elevated heart rate for an extended period of time. These extended periods of elevated heart rate will adjust the body’s energy output to a catabolic state (tissue burning), versus the anabolic state (tissue building) we need to build muscle.

When in a state of catabolism, the body draws its energy sources in the following order:

1. Carbohydrates - from stored cells and direct from food
2. Fats - from stored cells and direct from food
3. Proteins - amino acids and from muscle tissue

.

When the body has burned through its stores of carbohydrates (stage 1) and fats (stage 2), it transfers into a state of mass catabolism, wherein the body will begin to utilize its own muscular tissue as a primary energy source (stage 3).

I like to play it safe, by keeping the duration of my cardio sessions to under one set of 6-8 reps. The only exception to this: I’ll go for a 10 minute run once every couple months just to make sure I can still do it. Though, I am always sure to follow Two Scoops Running Protocol whenever I do run.

Somebody playing devil’s advocate would undoubtedly ask, “but Tony, what about all the health benefits of cardio? You need to raise your heart rate once in a while if you want to train the most important muscle in your body, your heart.”
And to these people I say, “you know what else raises your heart rate?… Caffeine and Cocaine.”

Caffeine is basically what this blog is built on. If I go a week without writing a post, then you know I have run out of pre-workouts. I have not been taking my daily two scoops of Jack3d, and I am therefore too tired and lazy to write anything.

Caffeine is the single most widely researched supplement in the world, and its positive affects on exercise and physical performance are well documented and undisputed.

When people are concerned that “if you are not doing cardio, you are not exercising your heart,” they are being naïve. Over the course of a day I take enough caffeine to overload a defibrillator, so I am pretty sure I get my heart rate up.

You have to be careful though, taking too little caffeine can actually lower your heart rate!

Research reported by Isabella Sudano, M.D. et al. in MedScape Nurses News, indicates that the caffeine in coffee can both increase and decrease the heart rate. A moderate dose of coffee—-about 250mg of caffeine—reduces the heart rate, but higher doses can produce increased rates. Increased rates are more likely to occur in people who don’t usually drink coffee. The reason for these different results is that caffeine also affects blood pressure; when the blood pressure increases—-which it does after a dose of caffeine—-the heart rate slows. But higher doses of caffeine can trigger the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and epinephrine, and that can cause an increased heart rate no matter what the blood pressure is.

What is a higher dose of caffeine? The Mayo Clinic suggests that “more than 500 to 600mg a day can cause insomnia, nervousness and fast heartbeat.”

BOOM! 500+mg of caffeine = fast heartbeat, according to The Mayo Clinic (and my arrhythmia). That is science. Not broscience, REAL FUCKING SCIENCE.

And I am not even done yet.

After my caffeine induced cardiovascular adventure at the gym, I come home and get ready for the evening… by doing a bunch of cocaine.

According to WebMD, “Cocaine increases heart rate and blood pressure while constricting the arteries supplying blood to the heart. The result can be a heart attack, even in young people without heart diseas…” blah blah blah forget the last part. What we need to focus on is the increased heart rate.

Now when I say, “do a bunch of cocaine,” I am not talking about splitting a bag with a few of my friends, I am talking Johnny Depp in the last hour of Blow… then I go to the club. As far as you should be concerned, 4 straight hours of cocaine dancing to techno is more of a cardio workout than any amount of stationary biking.

Imagine this as your daily cardio plan (cardio exercises are noted in parenthesis):

• You wake up in the morning and drink your morning cup of coffee. (caffeine)
• Then you have a second cup of coffee around 11am after Lunch #1. (caffeine)
• Sip on a RedBull after Lunch #2 at 1pm to prevent a food coma. (caffeine)
• Then you take two scoops of pre-workout before you hit the gym. (caffeine)
• Then you do a bunch of cocaine. (cocaine)
• Hit the club. (dancing)

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Following this cardio plan, from 2pm in the afternoon until the coke finally wears off at 8am, you will have an irregularly fast heartbeat. Therefore, this cardio plan allows for 18 straight hours of elevated heart rate. That is a big “FUCK YOU" to all the people who say that you are ignoring your heart health by not doing cardio. You are basically doing cardio for 75% of the day!

Now when people ask if you do cardio, you can snort a Monster, chug some cocaine, and say “yea, I just did.”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I’m like:

This little guy even looks like a young Ronnie Coleman! …or am I being racist?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli