So your girlfriend, or wife, or slam-piece, or throat-goblin has been incessantly yapping in your ear about some shit that you don’t care about. “We aren’t spending enough time together.” ”We never do anything anymore.” I know, I know, she doesn’t understand that 5 hours per day on the free weights is necessary for you to maintain a godlike physique. But in the brief moments that you see her with the lights on, she’s been looking pretty fucking angry. You need to take emergency measures to ensure that she doesn’t cut off your nightly supply of poonani. But, unfortunately for you, more time with her means less time getting huge. Don’t sweat it, the answer is simple: cook her dinner. She will think that your sooooo sweet and great and sensitive. Meanwhile, you can pack your face with more protein than you’ve ever thought possible.
Chicken Proteinavera 
Ingredients:
5 lbs. Lean Chicken Breast
1 Lemon
1 Bundle of Parsley
1.5 lbs. Cooked Ham
2 Large Cans of Tomato Paste
0.5 lbs. Grated Romano Cheese
2 Large Potatoes
300 grams Whey Protein (Vanilla)
Salt & Pepper
Recipe:
1. Dice one of your potatoes into small cubes. This is going to be a side dish to distract her from the fact that you have served up over 1000 grams of protein, mostly just for yourself. Place potato cubes onto a tray and bake in the oven at 400 degrees.
2. Dice parsley into small flakes. People put this leafy shit into sauce, only god knows why. Stop complaining about how smelly it is and do it, you fuck.
3. Slice your ham up into small pieces. Here comes the protein, baby. This shit is going to practically liquify itself when cooked in the sauce, she wont even know it’s there.
4. Combine ham, parsley, grated cheese, and lemon juice (from the lemon, retard) into a large pot with all of the tomato paste. Heat over stove on medium for one hour.
5. Here comes the money shot, you meaty bastard. Dump all of the protein powder into the sauce. That’s right, 300 grams, 15 scoops. Wipe the tears from your eyes, and stop kissing your gold crucifix necklace. Mix it in, big boy, you’ve earned this.
6. Remove chicken from the pack and rub with salt and pepp— FUCK! The potatoes! Oh god, they’re probably on fire already. Carefully peek inside the oven. How do they look? Unrecognizable? You fucking idiot. It’s okay though, this is exactly why we’ve bought two. Cut the other one up and start over, and try not to completely incinerate them this time.
7. Okay, now remove the chicken from the pack and rub with salt and pepper. Sear the chicken on a skillet, or grill it on a barbecue. Either way, just make sure you cook it completely, or don’t, I really couldn’t care less.
8. Put the cooked chicken onto a platter, smother in the gelatinous, protein-y ooze that’s masquerading as sauce. Bone Appa Teet!
What’s that? You want to make sure you get fucked after dinner? No problem, Broseidon. We’re gonna get her drunk.
Bonus Recipe: Proteiña Colada
We have here a very simple dilemma. You want to drink with your bitch, but you cant justify wasting precious stomach space on fruity garbage. Solution: Protein to the face. Get yourself a blender, some ice, one bottle of rum, coconut juice, and 160 grams vanilla whey protein powder. Excitedly throw all of that shit into the blender and turn it on. Drink up, get fucked, take a shit, and go to bed a champion.
- Dudley “Stacks” Rodman
