Two Scoops. Get Huge.

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED.” Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned.”

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops” is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Confession time: I am on a cleanse. I know what you are thinking, “what has gone so terribly wrong in your life Uncle Tony, that you had to go on a cleanse?”

I got to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. It is tough work trying to be so fucking shredded all the time. The 4 meals a day that consist of nothing but powder. The heavy lifting on a caloric deficit The heavy house music and heavy drinking every weekend. The 5 day weekends. The strict diet of meat and rice. My body can’t take it anymore! I haven’t had a fucking vegetable in 3 months… MONTHS.

I need to flush out the bad, and get shredded as hell, so I am going on a cleanse. I call it the Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0.

The Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Recipe

This cleanse is a power cleanse for only the most hardcore athletes. You must begin the cleanse by fasting for at least 2 hours. That means no food, only water and protein shakes for TWO FULL HOURS.

Now that your stomach is empty, you are ready to begin preparing the magical elixir that gives this cleanse its name:

First, take two pounds of fresh vegetables: kale, carrots, broccoli, spinach, and cucumbers… throw them away. Now, take 2 scoops of SuperPump MAX, 2 scoops of Jack3d, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0, and a dash of cinnamon and stir into a gallon of whole milk that has been pre-saturated with four scoops of whey protein (it doesn’t matter what flavor whey - the combination of pre-workouts is going to give your taste buds autism anyway). Remember to stir all these ingredients together. DO NOT SHAKE.

The back of the NO-Xplode tub clearly states that you should stir the ingredients, DO NOT SHAKE. Obviously, this stipulation exists because, when mixed with water via shaking, NO-Xplode becomes unstable. More specifically, NO-Xplode’s stability is compromised when the delicate PhD imbalance created by the proprietary creatine matrix begins oscillations from shaker cup mixology techniques. The oscillating PhD levels cause insurmountable levels of volatile bowel instability which can result in involuntary release. DO NOT SHAKE!

With this in mind, it is best to stir all of your ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

Ingredients & Materials

• 1 large mixing bowl
• 1 large spatula or spoon
• 2 scoops SuperPump MAX
• 2 scoops of Jack3d
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0
• 4 scoops Whey Protein
• 1 Gallon of whole milk
• Cinnamon

Once you have stirred all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, your cleanse “juice” should resemble the inside of a vinegar and baking soda volcano; the “juice” should be frothy, discolored, and the smell should be uncomfortable, but not unsettling.

Funnel your Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse Juice back into the gallon jug the milk came in. Enjoy!

Bring the jug everywhere you go and sip on it throughout the morning. By noon you will have pooped 3 times, GUARANTEED, and by the time you finish the cleanse, you will feel SUPERHUMAN.

This shit really works! Take it from me, Tony Muscoli, because I firmly stand behind all the shit I make up.

Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0 Easy Step-by-Step Guide

1. Mix 4 scoops of whey with whole milk
2. Stir in 2 scoops each of SuperPump MAX, Jack3d, NO-Xplode, and NO-Xplode 2.0
3. Add a dash of cinnamon
4. Stir, let settle for 5 minutes.
5. Pour mixture into gallon jug
6. Drink throughout morning
7. Shit yourself
8. …?
9. Be a superhero

Actual Cleanse user (Results May Vary).

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli