Two Scoops. Get Huge.

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED." Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned."

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops" is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Two Scoops - A Short Film by Robert Rodriguez

Two Scoops is starring Elise and Electra Avellan as “Ice cream scoopers by day. Danger seekers by night."

As part of Project Green Screen, director Robert Rodriquez is working with his fans in order to find the final cut to his short film Two Scoops. There are some unfinished scenes in the movie, and Rodriguez will use crowdsourced ideas, images, and footage to complete his film.

I don’t know what is happening here, but I suppose I should have seen this coming. Ever since we started Two Scoops Get Huge 3 years ago, people have been trying to capitalize on the strength and ingenuity of our namesake.

It is always people trying to hide behind the innocence of ice cream. Just the other day some asshole opened up an ice cream parlor called “Three Scoops" down the block from me, and now this: some dingus making a Two Scoops short film is going to try to steal all my internet thunder. But you know what, I am OK with it. I take it as a compliment. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I think that we should all help this guy out in making his film.

TWEET YOUR IDEAS

For Act 2, they need “a creative genius with just a hint of madness. Watch Act 2 below and you’ll see a villain-slaying weapon, still partially in green screen. Tweet your wackiest ideas for what the weapon does, and you could help shape the story."

Get your tweets to @Rodriguez by 5pm GMT on Wednesday 10th April. Make sure you tag them #KeepMoving"

Two Scoopers, send in your ideas to @Rodriquez, I’ll get the ball rolling:

Thanks to Halden S. for the tip.

If you can make it past the 2m20s intro, then you bear witness to this defecation on my soul:

"For you lightweights out there, that maybe have weak stomachs, maybe you can only do two scoops… What I do is the top dose, which is four scoops. But you know, I’m still not happy with four scoops… so I do about 4.5 scoops." -Rich Piana

Did Rich “Mr. California" Piana just call me a lightweight!?

Listen, you can insult me all you want, but you can NEVER insult the scoops. Two Scoops is what got me, and all the other Two Scoopers out there, where we are today. Two Scoops is about not settling for Number 1, and pushing out a Number 2… Wait that didn’t come out right - Two Scoops is about not settling for 1, and striving to be Number 2…? You know what I mean.

I can only imagine what kind of shits Mr. Four-And-A-Half Scoops takes (…big shits).

I’m pretty sure Piana’s shoulder veins alone carry enough blood to supply a Quentin Tarantino movie. Other than that though, he doesn’t look so big - the camera ads 10 pounds, right?…

Rich Piana

Mr. California & NPC Champion

Name: Rich Piana
Residence: Northbridge, California, USA
Height: 6’0" (183 cm)
Contest Weight: 250 - 260 lbs. (113kg - 118kg)
Off-Season Weight: 280 - 290 lbs. (127kg - 132kg)

Sweet Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Infant Jesus of Nazareth - that man is a MONSTER.

I pissed my spandex when I found this dude’s profile. We are practically the same height, but he has 90 pounds on me. That means he is 90 lbs wider than I am. That is so… girthy. It is fucked up, is what it is, and I want it.

4.5 scoops it is I guess, until my intestines spitefully shit themselves out.

-Tony “Two Plus Two and A Half Scoops" Muscoli

Top 10 Search Traffic Keywords

Do you meatheads know what you are looking at? You are looking at the top 10 terms people search in Google that lead them to TwoScoopsGetHuge.com - real complicated internet shit.

Do you see what the #8 term is? I have circled it in red in case you can’t count.

"websites like two scoops"

"Websites like Two Scoops" is the 8th most popular term of the last few weeks. What the shit guys? Is Two Scoops not enough for you?

I feel like I am being cheated on. I feel like I just stumbled onto my girlfriend’s online dating profile.

What is it about this site that makes you run off looking elsewhere for your meathead satire? Over the last 3 years, we have posted over 400 articles, pictures, videos, and nip slips - have you really seen all of them? Have you read each article to completion? You know it doesn’t count unless you reach completion.

What else do you want me to do?! I’ll do anything (within reason) for you! I love you! I CAN CHANGE!

Whatever. If it’s websites like Two Scoops that you want, that is what you will get.

Websites Like Two Scoops Get Huge:

1. www.twoscoopsgethuge.com
2. End of list.

.

<3 Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Wesley “Two Scoops" Berry was the greatest competitor American Gladiators has ever seen. This should come as no surprise to anybody, considering he goes by the monicker “Two Scoops." Not only was he taking Two Scoops before Two Scoops was Two Scoops, but he made sure that every time he competed he went out and gave it 260% 270% 350% 700% 1500% 1700% 5000% 8000%.

"You cannot have a complete breakfast without the two scoops. So when I am in a competition and I do something great, or I get past someone, I always do TWO, and then the SCOOPS - to let them know know what they gonna have for breakfast."

I just have a chance to look into my mother’s recipe. She said, “every time you making chicken, you got to shake and baaaaake."

Wesley Berry was a pioneer of awesome, and I have to give credit where credit is due: Berry invented “Two Scoops," I just perfected it. I mean, somebody has to carry the Two Scoops torch while Wesley is doing 10-20 for Armed Robbery.

Apparently being the first ever winner of International Gladiators doesn’t pay well enough, because when he wasn’t burning Nitro in the Gauntlet or being a motivational speaker in his hometown, Berry was robbing banks in his spare time.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hey Tony,

I got a pair of straps with your name on ‘em. Here is a pic for you to J.O. to.

-James G. Guttershot

Everybody knows that Tony “Two Scoops" doesn’t cry, but I think I might be having an emotion right now. I don’t know what the precursor to crying is, because I have never cried, but I think that is what I am feeling right now:

I think this feeling is pride, for I have never been so proud to call myself Tony “Two Scoops" in my entire life. These straps even have American Flags on them! That is massively awesome - mawesome! God Bless America! It would nary surprise me if Ronnie Coleman himself had blessed these glorious tools of hypertrophy. I am sincerely proud of this James G. Guttershot, whomever he may be.

Now that I am done being emotional, my question is, where can I get some of these? Where can the rest of the Two Scoopers get some of these?

How fucking awesome would it be to do deadlifts with straps that said “Get Huge" on them? Then you look to the rack on your left, and there is a guy doing Barbell Rows with “Two Scoops" straps on, and you guys give each other HUGE high fives and everybody in the gym is jealous of how huge and awesome you are. Maybe you throw in a chest bump too? Perhaps even slap dicks together? I don’t judge.

God! Arnold! these straps are awesome.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

This is a sign that appeared in an Army base outside the mess, near the staff offices.
Clearly they take their pens seriously in the Army, but they also regurgitated some important Two Scoops Doctrine (Old Testament shit):

Skinny = Ugly.

If you have learned anything from this blog, it is that being skinny is shit. And if ‘skinny’ is inversely related to ‘huge’, then the Army might also concur with the hypothesis that Huge = Good Looking. So you see, I am not the only one preaching protein here. Now get off of your ass and go lift, because deductive reasoning would conclude that Skinny = ugly.
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death

Lesson: Don’t be skinny, you will die.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli