Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Ultimate Showdown: Provita Protein vs. 5 Hour Energy

After finding this crazy Provita Protein 6 Hour Energy Shot with 42g of Protein, I decided I had to pit it up against the industry leader 5 Hour Energy. Buckle up, I’m about to take you on the most senselessly in-depth supplement comparison of all time.

Caffeine

Alright, let’s get this shit started. The world famous 5 Hour Energy claims to have “as much caffeine as a cup of coffee.” The Provita label also boasts a measly “caffeine comparable to a cup of coffee,” so we are tied. Exciting start guys.

Technically, since “a cup of coffee” is roughly 80mg of caffeine, and since the synthetic caffeine in energy drinks isn’t as effective as the caffeine in real coffee, both of these shots get a D in caffeine. D as in Dead to the world. To put it in perspective, two scoops of Nano Vapor hardcore has 230mg of caffeine. Sack up shots. I know you can squeeze more shit into those little cans. I should give both these products a negative 1 for having fewer milligrams of caffeine per ounce than my piss.

Score at the end of this round:
Provita 0 - 5 Hour 0

B-Vitamins

How do these little chode drinks measure up on B-Vitamins, the self proclaimed “energy vitamin.”

Provita has MORE vitamin B6 (41mg vs. 40mg) than 5 Hour Energy. Provita +1

We are tied on vitamin B12 (500mcg all around). Provita +1, 5 Hour +1

Provita has slightly less Niacin (20mg vs. 30mg). 5 Hour +1

Provita pulls up short in Folic Acid as well (100mcg vs. 400mcg). 5 Hour +1

Score at the end of this round:
Provita 2 - 5 Hour 3

Other Shit

5 Hour rounds off its “Energy Blend” with the industry standard Taurine, but Provita has that too.

Provita has something called L-Tryptophan which sounds like it should put you into a Thanksgivingesque coma, but in actuality, it aids in protein biosynthesis (SWOBAH), in addition to acting as a biomedical precursor for Niacin (my personal favorite B-Vitamin).

Meanwhile, 5 Hour Energy has Malic Acid which does nothing more than add a bit of tartness to the taste. Lame.

5 Hour Energy pulls forward with Citicoline, which may (or may not) help improve focus and mental energy by increasing dopamine receptor densities.

Then this Provita shit just kicks it into high gear by basically adding an entire multi-vitamin and mineral to the mix. Vitamins A, D, E, Magnesium, Copper, Zinc, Chromium, BOOM! A total of 17 essential vitamins and minerals. Solid. Two points.

Score at the end of this round:
Provita 4 - 5 Hour 2

Taste

Provita: I opened the bottle of Provita. I had it sitting next to me while I wrote this section. I could smell it - hard. It stank like a bottle of crushed up Flintstone’s vitamins, which is pleasant at first, but only for about 5 seconds, then you realize you are about to drink it. It is the color and viscosity of cough syrup. It tastes… like cock. And not good cock, more I-worked-out-for-an-hour-and-half-while-eating-onion-rings-and-french-fries-and-then-did-not-shower-for-two-days cock. Have you ever stirred yourself a glass of pre-workout drink like Jack3d, NO-Xplode, or SuperPump, but you forgot to stir, and you ended up drinking a big clump of tangy powdered chemicals? That is what this whole shot tasted like.

5 Hour: 5 Hour Energy tastes a little like orange juice concentrate. Kinda good actually.

Provita should win, but it won’t. If something tastes “good,” it probably isn’t working. Sure you can slug back a 5 Hour or two without wincing, but pain is good. You lift to failure because you know the painful last half-a-rep is what makes you huge. That same line of logic should be applied to your supplements. If You know that if it tastes shitty, it isn’t for fun, it is for reals.

But we are judging on taste here, and 5 Hour Energy tastes A LOT better. 3 points for taste to 5 Hour. -1 point on taste to Provita, but +1 for a taste so aweful, you know it is a quality supplement.

Score at the end of this round:
Provita 0 - 5 Hour 3

Going into the final round, the score is Provita 6 - 5 Hour Energy 8. Awww snap this is close. What a good game. I thought this was going to be a blow out. 3rd period coming up…

*4th Quarter Tie Breaker Final Sudden Death Lighting Round*

Protein

No contest. 5 Hour Energy has no protein. This Provita Protein 6 Hour Energy w/ 42 grams of protein has… well, it has 42 grams of protein… TWO different kinds. Two kinds of protein, get huge. Provita knows what the fuck we are talking about. It has Whey Protein Isolate for fast absorption and it has Casein Protein Isolate for a slower digesting protein to last throughout your workout. The Provita Protein shot literally sucks AND fucks you. Somebody please tell me WHY 5 million or whatever people a week drink 5 Hour Energy?

Score at the end of this round:
Provita 42 - 5 Hour Energy 0

Oh SHIT! What the fuck just happened?! Out of nowhere Provita’s 6 Hour Energy Protein shot just sucker punches 5 Hour, leaves them in the dust. 5 Hour didn’t even have time to blow its rape whistle. Amazing stuff. Thrilling. Well folks that ends this broadcast. Your final score is:
Provita Protein 6 Hour Energy 48 - 5 Hour Energy 8.

I’m Tony Muscoli, go fuck yourself San Diego.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I drove south of the Mason Dixon line last weekend to find some Four Loko’s and when I am at the cash register somewhere in South Carolina getting my Eight Loko rung up, there - sitting on the counter next to the myriad of other stupid energy shots - was the most amazing thing I have ever seen at a shitty South Carolinian convenience/liquor store: a “6 Hour Energy” shot with 42g of protein.

Unbe-fucking-lievable. You are going to tell me that you can fit 42 grams of whey protein into 2.9 fluid ounces of liquid and have it stay a liquid? I mean Naked Juice can’t put 30 grams of protein into their "Protein Zone" smoothie without it tasting like you are chewing on sand, and they make some delicious shit. So how the fuck is this no-name shot gonna fit that much protein into a little energy shot and still have room for energy!? Absurd. Ludicrous. Preposterous! I must have it.

I now have the 6 Hours of Energy Get Huge shot in my possession, but I am too afraid to take it. For one, it cost me like $5, and now that I have it I feel like I have to wait for the right moment. Like having a fine Cuban victory cigar, or a really nice bottle of Scotch, or a bottle of wine from your wedding day, I think I need to wait until the right moment to drink this thing. What if it kills me? What if my body can’t absorb all 42 grams of protein and I have liver failure? These are all irrational fears of course because everybody knows my body can handle up to 1.5x my body weight in g’s of protein in any one sitting without so much as a fart, but they are things to be considered none the less.

What really scared me is that when I wanted to learn more about this gift from the heavens, I typed into Google:

• "6 Hour Energy 42g" - it returned nothing
• "Provita 42g" - it returned nothing
• "Provita 6 Hour Energy" - and finally I get some forums discussing the product but I still can’t find an official website

That set off a few bells. It wasn’t until closer inspection of the bottle that I found the actual website. However, as I am reading the label, I am discovering just how awesome this fucking thing really is. Caffeine, vitamins, minerals, and forty-two other reasons to love this shot. FORTY-FUCKING-TWO GRAMS OF PROTEIN. I mean, what the fuck? Why have 42g protein when you can have 84 grams? Two Shots, Get Huge, this story is just starting cause you all jacked up on caffeine. I am so scared to drink this thing. I’ll let you know when I do.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I waited until after Halloween to post this cause I didn’t want anybody stealing my idea:

Hand out Animal Pak to kids on Halloween.

Look how happy those fiendish little sugar addicts are, and they didn’t even get candy. Here is how to get your trick-or-treaters just as happy as Two Scoops trick-or-treaters (start taking notes).

There are four different types of houses on Halloween:

1. Fun Size House. This is your average, run-of-the-mill stop on your Trick-or-Treat Trek. This house hands out a small variety of fun size candy bars that they probably bought in one big variety bag from Stop and Shop. Not a lot of effort. This is the definition of average. I know they are called “fun size” candies, but they are not a lot of fun - not when the prospect of the King Size House lies ahead.
2. King Size House. This is the house you (or your kids) keep coming back to every year. They don’t serve bullshit fun size pieces, they go big. Full size Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Milky Ways - your stomach hurts just thinking about trying to eat more than two pieces from this house alone. You want to be remembered? Get Huge… candy bars.
3. Not Home House. This is the lazy couple that just puts a bowl of candy on their front doorstep with a sign that says: “Please take just one.” You know what a trick-or-treating ten year old is thinking when he reads that sign? “Jackpot, dumbasses.” If you are lucky kid to get there first, you tip that bowl into your little plastic pumpkin (or a pillow case if you are a seasoned veteran) and take off towards the next house like a bat of a hell.
4. Alternative House. These are the creative types. Sometimes they are genius, sometimes they are the opposite of genius, but they are almost always a crap shoot. Just a bunch of assholes thinking they can mix it up. Sometimes you get weird candy like Necco Wafers, or candied apples. I ask of you, what the fuck are you suppose to do with a candied apple on Halloween? You stop to eat it you lose valuable candy pillaging time, if you put it in your bag it gets everything all sticky, and if you throw it away you just wasted a candy apple. Don’t fucking hand out candy apples. Anyway, at an Alternative House you get weird candy people, or worse - you could get straight social retards who give you dental floss or healthy fruit granola-whatever-go-fuck-yourself bars. But sometimes… sometimes they could totally surprise you, you could find that diamond in the rough. Of all the houses that try to be creative with their goodies, about one-in-a-thousand are successfull. The Two Scoops Stop was, of course, that one-in-a-thousand.

How, you ask, did the genius manbeasts at Two Scoops become the most revolutionary thing in trick-or-treating since the invention of the candy bag? Animal Pak, that’s how. For those of you who don’t know what Universal Animal Pak is: Animal Pak is a multi-vitamin pack that boasts a retarded dose of vitamins, minerals, shark cartilage, and other assorted animal internal organs.

Everybody knows you can’t get big without taking shark cartilage and Argentinian cow liver in pill form.

Take one pack and you will be pissing fluorescent yellow for 2 days straight. Animal Pak over-nourishes your body by so much, that you quite literally can’t pee out all the excess nutrients fast enough. You become recklessly healthy. Stupid healthy. Make-your-piss-day-glow-yellow healthy. Animal Pak gets you so fucking healthy it cures cancer. All kinds. So we handed that shit out on Halloween.

Kids love Animal Pak cause it is like getting eleven pieces of candy in one little goody bag, and parents love it too! I can’t describe the look of shock on parents faces when we handed their little kids a plastic bag full of pills. You could tell they were absolutely thrilled that somebody finally took their child’s health into consideration. They were probably thinking, “look at these crazy assholes, just curing cancer one trick-or-treater at a time. God bless them.”

Keep your eyes open for a bunch of houses handing out little bags of pills next Halloween. We are going to revolutionize trick-or-treating, one cancer free kid at a time.

And remember, the official serving size on the nutritional information label for Animal Pak is 2 packs. So of course we gave each kid one serving: two packs, get kids huge, cure cancer, end of story.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

UPDATE: I am pretty sure this is the ingredient that gives you cures cancer:

Supplements are the only way to get strong. Not dedication, not perseverance, not hard work, not practice, not two-a-days… supplements. It is a known fact. Look it up. So when my roommate came home with this new shit, I immediately put it in my face. Dosage: ? take a fucking guess… Two Scoops. Guess what happened next? I got huge. End of story.

But for those of you that want a little bit more info, I’ll tell you more. I took two scoops, folded the shit out of my laundry, then began the mile long walk to the gym. 30 feet into my walk, I don’t want to fucking walk anymore, I want to run - no, fuck that, I want to charge. I want to battle charge, full sprint to the gym, lowering shoulders into unsuspecting pedestrians along the way. I’ve taken pre-workout supps before, sometimes in life-threateningly large dosages, and i’ve never felt this amped. 4 scoops of NO-Xplode and my heart wanted to explode and my hands couldn’t stop shaking - standard. 2 scoops of Jack3d and I wanted to eat babies and bench press large motorized agricultural equipment - above average.

Maybe it is the geranamine.

Besides the usual ingredients present in many pre-workout supplements, such as caffeine, creatine, arginine and beta-alanine, it contains 1,3-Dimethylamylamine also known as geranamine. This is a potent stimulant (as far as legal alternatives goes) and this is what provides the oomph in this product. Apparently Geranamine is used as a recreational drug in some circles and banned in a few countries. -LeanGains.com

Needless to say, I need to get my hands on some more of this shit, for recreational use. Preferably not cut with all the caffeine and creatine shit that Jack3d adds to it.

After absolutely disintegrating my pecs for about 200 reps and 10 different angles, I began my jog home. Problem was, my chest was literally too swollen to jog properly. I didn’t want to pull a hamstring trying to adjust for the hugeness that was now my front. Instead I flexed the entire way home so people could bask in my pump.

Anyway, Jack3d is up there on my list of pre-workout supps.

-Alejandro “The Baby Puncher” Cortez