I just fucked Costco up. Straight killed that fucking store. My fridge was looking empty, so was my stomach. My bench press has hit an unpleasant plateau. So I went into Costco with one thing on my mind, mofuckin’ PROTEIN. POW.
Here is my shopping list:
- Chicken
- Cottage Cheese
- Eggs
- Protein Powder
- Milk
- Beans
- Pasta
Seems pretty basic right? Nothing special, right? WRONG. At Costco this shopping list brings on a whole new meaning. Everything is grander, everything is larger, everything is more protein.
Suckle on this for a second: let’s say you brought that same shopping list to Whole Foods. You would get what… 1lb of chicken? Maybe a deucer if you have learned anything from this website. That two pounds of chicken at Whole Foods will cost you what, $1000? At Costco? 10 pounds, $20. End of story. Simply Phenomenal, with a capital “P.”
To give you more detailed insight as to the grandeur of my shopping extravaganza, the trunk of my Jeep was stuffed to the ceiling with:
- a pallet of 7.5 dozen eggs
- 6lbs of Whey Protein
- 5lbs of Five Cheese Tortellini
- 3 lb tub of cottage cheese
- 1 Giant Fucking Can of Black Beans (7lbs of las frijoles negro bitches)
- and a partridge in a pear tree
That 10lb bag of chicken I was telling you about? Yeah, 22g of protein per serving. 40 Servings. You do the math.
Actually I already did the math, and that is 880g of Perdue grade chicken protein. The grand total? Gimme a fucking drum roll for this please…
badadadadadadadadadadada…
4,229 grams of protein. That is enough to give an adult male lion liver failure.
I am so god damned proud of myself. I can’t get over it. Think how huge I am going to be. There is no way I can’t eat all this food and not add inches to my dick. 4,229g protein. $86.60. Find me a more balanced diet, with more protein, for less money, and I will tar-and-protein-powder myself in a public venue. Dead ass serious. Show me your shopping receipt, and I will make a video.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
