Animal Pak.
I told ya’ll about Animal Pak on Halloween last year, and in the spirit of the season I thought I’d remind ya’ll,
Hand out Animal Pak to kids on Halloween.
Look how happy those fiendish little sugar addicts are, and they didn’t even get candy. Here is how to get your trick-or-treaters just as happy as Two Scoops trick-or-treaters (start taking notes).
There are four different types of houses on Halloween:
- Fun Size House. This is your average, run-of-the-mill stop on your Trick-or-Treat Trek. This house hands out a small variety of fun size candy bars that they probably bought in one big variety bag from Stop and Shop. Not a lot of effort. This is the definition of average. I know they are called “fun size” candies, but they are not a lot of fun - not when the prospect of the King Size House lies ahead.
- King Size House. This is the house you (or your kids) keep coming back to every year. They don’t serve bullshit fun size pieces, they go big. Full size Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Milky Ways - your stomach hurts just thinking about trying to eat more than two pieces from this house alone. You want to be remembered? Get Huge… candy bars.
- Not Home House. This is the lazy couple that just puts a bowl of candy on their front doorstep with a sign that says: “Please take just one.” You know what a trick-or-treating ten year old is thinking when he reads that sign? “Jackpot, dumbasses.” If you are lucky kid to get there first, you tip that bowl into your little plastic pumpkin (or a pillow case if you are a seasoned veteran) and take off towards the next house like a bat of a hell.
- Alternative House. These are the creative types. Sometimes they are genius, sometimes they are the opposite of genius, but they are almost always a crap shoot. Just a bunch of assholes thinking they can mix it up. Sometimes you get weird candy like Necco Wafers, or candied apples. I ask of you, what the fuck are you suppose to do with a candied apple on Halloween? You stop to eat it you lose valuable candy pillaging time, if you put it in your bag it gets everything all sticky, and if you throw it away you just wasted a candy apple. Don’t fucking hand out candy apples. Anyway, at an Alternative House you get weird candy people, or worse - you could get straight social retards who give you dental floss or healthy fruit granola-whatever-go-fuck-yourself bars. But sometimes… sometimes they could totally surprise you, you could find that diamond in the rough. Of all the houses that try to be creative with their goodies, about one-in-a-thousand are successfull. The Two Scoops Stop was, of course, that one-in-a-thousand.
How, you ask, did the genius manbeasts at Two Scoops become the most revolutionary thing in trick-or-treating since the invention of the candy bag? Animal Pak, that’s how. For those of you who don’t know what Universal Animal Pak is: Animal Pak is a multi-vitamin pack that boasts a retarded dose of vitamins, minerals, shark cartilage, and other assorted animal internal organs. 
Everybody knows you can’t get big without taking shark cartilage and Argentinian cow liver in pill form.
Take one pack and you will be pissing fluorescent yellow for 2 days straight. Animal Pak over-nourishes your body by so much, that you quite literally can’t pee out all the excess nutrients fast enough. You become recklessly healthy. Stupid healthy. Make-your-piss-day-glow-yellow healthy. Animal Pak gets you so fucking healthy it cures cancer. All kinds. So we handed that shit out on Halloween.
Kids love Animal Pak cause it is like getting eleven pieces of candy in one little goody bag, and parents love it too! I can’t describe the look of shock on parents faces when we handed their little kids a plastic bag full of pills. You could tell they were absolutely thrilled that somebody finally took their child’s health into consideration. They were probably thinking, “look at these crazy assholes, just curing cancer one trick-or-treater at a time. God bless them.”
Keep your eyes open for a bunch of houses handing out little bags of pills next Halloween. We are going to revolutionize trick-or-treating, one cancer free kid at a time.
And remember, the official serving size on the nutritional information label for Animal Pak is 2 packs. So of course we gave each kid one serving: two packs, get kids huge, cure cancer, end of story.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
P.S. I am pretty sure this is the ingredient that gives you cures cancer:
