"This is not an ordinary workout.
This is not boring.
This, you will not soon forget.”
You are fucking right I won’t forget that video. I get the willies just thinking about watching it. I feel like I just got hit in the face with an innuendo cumshot. I need a shower to wash the gay off me. Actually, this commercial probably isn’t even entertaining to gay guys - it is that retarded.
The Shake Weight ads made it clear how fucking useless the device actually was, but it was funny in its phallic-ness and made for a great gag-gift (pun intended). The Free Flexor, on the other hand, takes this dick joke to another level and includes balls, and balls are gross.
At least the Shake Weight could rest on a shelf and be inconspicuous; it wasn’t until you picked it up and started jerking it that it became a handheld innuendo.
Meanwhile, I wouldn’t dare have the Free Flexor anywhere in, on, or around my home. It looks like a sex toy. I’m not talking about the fun kind of sex toy either, I am talking gross sex toy. The kind of toy that if you find it in a girl’s nightstand drawer, you get the fuck out of there. The kind of toy you only see in one of those sadomasochism fetish porns you sneak into your friend’s DVD player as a joke. The kind of sex toy that people in the business don’t call a “sex toy,” because they call it a “sex tool.”
It would take about $500 for me to agree to appear in a Shake Weight commercial. Make a quick buck, laugh it off, whatever.
It would take about $50,000 for me to agree to appear in a commercial for the Free Flexor and do a testimonial. Honestly, think about it, that shit would RUIN your life. You can’t laugh this off like you could the Shake Weight.
Jerrod, the former marine, (besides spelling his name like a dingus) probably started out filming as a Marine, but was dishonorably discharged when the Marines found out he was going to be in this commercial.
Did the designer of the Free Flexor know what he was creating? Did he glue two rubber balls to a double ended dildo on a dare and then say, “watch me sell this thing for $40 to people who lack intelligence.” Or was he just oblivious to the fact that the Free Flexor was an overpriced testicle joke?
Balls.
-Tony “Too Disturbed” Muscoli
