Reader Email:
Here’s a question for you:
I took a 90 minute kickboxing class at the gym today. Is that an acceptable way to get a massive pump, or is it a sign that I am a pathetic failure and will never get huge?
Thank you.
-Keenan
The fact that your workout was compiled entirely of a “class” is atrocious. You know who does the classes at the gym right? Chicks. Chicks do classes.
I recommended my gym to a girlfriend of mine, you want to know what the first thing she asked me was? “I don’t know Tony, how are the classes there? Like, cause I like to do spin classes and stuff.”
Organized group exercise classes are for chicks - chicks and dumbasses who can’t figure out for themselves how to workout.
Sure I get it, you are old, you are tired, you have had a long day of work and you just want to be told what to do to get in shape. Fine, if you want to join the 99% of little bicepped Americans that I look down upon, go for it. But a true man knows how to work out without some spin instructor named Mindy telling him what to do.
You think the girls in your “Zoomba” class are going to think you are sexy for shaking your hips like Beyoncé? No. Women find biceps sexy, and you will NEVER get Two Scoops grade biceps in a BodyPump class.
To get huge, you have to do it yourself: rip the sleeves off your shirt, snort a line of Jack3d, put some Pantera on your headphones, hit the free weights, and DO WORK SON.
Sometimes I’ll stand shirtless in front of the glass doorway to the Aerobics room, blast out sets of Standing Overhead Press, and stare down all the yuppies doing their “Body Fit” class who think they are getting a proper workout - sscare those dipshits half to death.
Kickboxing Class = Cardio
To be fair, of all possible classes to take, kickboxing is probably the least offending one, but you still have got to cut that shit out. I’m glad you came to me when you did. You can still be saved. No more classes you hear me? NONE! If you need help devising a proper training program I can get you started, it isn’t too late.
Another issue I would like to address: Your kickboxing class was 90 minutes long? NINETY FUCKING MINUTES?! I would classify a kickboxing class as a beefed-up step aerobics class, and aerobics is cardio, and cardio is the enemy.
Cardio should never be more than 20 minutes unless doctor prescribed. Furthermore, cardio should rarely cause you to break a sweat. What little cardio I do consists of hopping on the exercise bike, moving my feet in circles, and watching Sportscenter. Maybe I’ll upgrade to the treadmill during beach season, but I’ll still never see the timer go over 20 minutes.
You have got to be careful Two Scoopers. Too much cardio and your body will start using your precious muscle tissue as energy, and what if your body decides to start with your bicep muscle!? That would be a travesty to end all travesties. That is why I forbid myself to do cardio, too much risk involved, too dangerous.
Moral of the story? No classes, no cardio, just protein and free weights - or else you will end up looking like this (in which case, call me):
-Tony Muscoli
