Two Scoops. Get Huge.

As you may well know, anybody who is anybody was in Miami, FL the past week for Ultra Music Festival. Your Uncle Tony was, of course, in attendance and on Thursday I raged my face off at the appropriately named “Size Matters” Pool Party at the Fountainebleau in Miami Beach.

I spent most of my time blowing all of my money on $25 RedBull Vodkas and hamming it up with other awesome people like this fucking ripped older couple:

Two Scoopers @ Size Matters in Miami Beach. He is 50, she is 42 (or so she claims).

I asked these two to pose for Two Scoops and this guy immediately throws up the Front Ab pose like a hero. Not to mention the fact that his wife even flexed her nipples for the camera.

But then shit got real. Steve Angello takes the stage, the crowd looks up in awe, and that is when I saw it…

No, not the loser wearing a t-shirt at the pool party… look closer:

No, not the sexy blonde putting her hair up… look closer:

Right there! In the window, that asshole stroking THE ELLIPTICAL, of all things, while there is a massive fucking rage going on below him. I would get it if he stood up in the window and blasted some Dumbbell Overhead Presses to show off his sweet pump to all the sexy ladies below… but the elliptical?! Fuck man… I can’t even… I am so disgusted… I was so mad I threw a $10 beer at the window (I didn’t want the carbs anyway).

What an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bro how shredded are you going to get for Ultra?

I’m going to get so fucking shredded. Insanely shredded. Ultra shredded. Shredded like the lettuce in the salads I don’t eat. Sly in Rambo 2 shredded. Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder shredded. Firesale at Iron Mountain shredded.

I’m going to get so tight you can see ab striations. I’m not going to drink water for days. It’s going to look like somebody spray painted my epidermis onto my pectorals. Even my penis will look tight. The skin will have that boner-stretched look, even when it’s flaccid.

I’m going to look harder than the tree that girl sexed at last year’s Ultra:

Video for those interested.

In the month leading up to UMF, I’m going to eat nothing but cardio and egg whites. I’ve already stocked up on a 1 year supply of Hydroxycut Hardcore that should last me the month.

Is there such a thing as negative body fat? If your answer is “no,” then you need to see me at Ultra. Shredded.

I’m going to get more fucking cut than this old man:

I’m telling you guys, I’m going to be so cut up for Ultra. Chicks are going to want to grind my quads. Have you ever seen my calf muscle? Neither have I… until ULTRA! Shredded. I’m even going to shave my legs so you can see my calf in high definition. I am not going to shave my whole leg though, I’m not a chick. I am just going to shave out little windows on my calves.

I’m going to get so cut, so shredded, so inhumanly dehydrated, that any hit of Ecstasy would cause immediate cardiac arrest. I’m going to rage 16 hours a day, for 3 days straight, on testosterone alone.

I’m going to get so shredded.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli