Two Scoops. Get Huge.

The following comic from Cyanide & Happiness was brought to my attention:

Before anybody starts feeling sad that they aren’t eating cake, take into consideration the author of this comic: Dave McElfatrick.

His name is, quite literally, ELF - FAT - TRICK. And that is exactly what this comic is: an Elf’s Fat Trick. Dave McElfatrick is nothing more than a tubby turd who is tricking only himself and other self-loathing individuals into thinking that short term gratification outweighs the immense feeling of self-worth garnered by those who are swole of body and mind.

Sorry Dave, nobody here at Two Scoops is going to fall for your elvish Fat Tricks. We know the true meaning of happiness isn’t found within a pile of flour, butter, and sugar. True happiness is found within - within our gloriously well muscled bodies. And the only way to put that happiness within your self, is through self improvement, not self indulgence.

Dave, you can have your cake, and eat it too. I don’t want cake, I want washboard abs and biceps that make it impossible for me to touch my own shoulders.

So while you, and others like you, try to justify your sloth-like, gluttonous existence by shaming those who take pride in themselves, we shall rise above… by editing your stupid butthead comic in MS Paint and posting it on Two Scoops:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I honestly feel bad for this bro. He won’t be able to look anybody in the eye when he goes to the gym tomorrow. Not being able to open a water bottle on national TV has to be on every meathead’s Top 10 Biggest Fears list, right behind “Getting Out-Benched by a Girl.”

I get asked every day to open jars and shit for people, and I do it with ease. I usually throw in an extra forearm flex just for show, especially if it’s a hot broad asking me to open her jar of pickles.

But deep down, beneath my steroid-acne covered flawless skin and bulging, muscular physique, there is a little boy whose greatest insecurity is that he won’t be able to open that jar, and that everybody will make fun of me for it and think I am less of a man. I AM A MAN GOD DAMN IT! LOOK HOW MUCH I CAN CURL! I FUCK GIRLS! *sobs uncontrollably*

When the day finally comes that you can’t open that container, and it does come - for all of us,… when that day comes I just hope to God that it doesn’t happen when I am in a public place.

And I am not a religious man, but I still pray every day that if it does happen in a public place, that a camera man isn’t there to broadcast it on national television.

And if that moment when I can’t open a water bottle does get broadcast on national television, I just dream that there won’t be two sports commentators there to call me out and ridicule my now seemingly pointless physique.

I feels for this bro. I feels. If you have any shred of decency in you, you will add an extra set of Farmer’s Walks to your training today. Do it for your shamed Brethren in Swole. Do it for your fellow Two Scoopers. Do it for your forearms. Do it for yourself.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli