Two Scoops. Get Huge.

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

This guy has:

And that, friends, is why I don’t do cardio, because people like this do cardio.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Here’s a question for you:
I took a 90 minute kickboxing class at the gym today. Is that an acceptable way to get a massive pump, or is it a sign that I am a pathetic failure and will never get huge?

Thank you.
-Keenan

The fact that your workout was compiled entirely of a “class” is atrocious. You know who does the classes at the gym right? Chicks. Chicks do classes.

I recommended my gym to a girlfriend of mine, you want to know what the first thing she asked me was? “I don’t know Tony, how are the classes there? Like, cause I like to do spin classes and stuff.”

Organized group exercise classes are for chicks - chicks and dumbasses who can’t figure out for themselves how to workout.

Sure I get it, you are old, you are tired, you have had a long day of work and you just want to be told what to do to get in shape. Fine, if you want to join the 99% of little bicepped Americans that I look down upon, go for it. But a true man knows how to work out without some spin instructor named Mindy telling him what to do.

You think the girls in your “Zoomba” class are going to think you are sexy for shaking your hips like Beyoncé? No. Women find biceps sexy, and you will NEVER get Two Scoops grade biceps in a BodyPump class.

To get huge, you have to do it yourself: rip the sleeves off your shirt, snort a line of Jack3d, put some Pantera on your headphones, hit the free weights, and DO WORK SON.

Sometimes I’ll stand shirtless in front of the glass doorway to the Aerobics room, blast out sets of Standing Overhead Press, and stare down all the yuppies doing their “Body Fit” class who think they are getting a proper workout - sscare those dipshits half to death.

Kickboxing Class = Cardio

To be fair, of all possible classes to take, kickboxing is probably the least offending one, but you still have got to cut that shit out. I’m glad you came to me when you did. You can still be saved. No more classes you hear me? NONE! If you need help devising a proper training program I can get you started, it isn’t too late.

Another issue I would like to address: Your kickboxing class was 90 minutes long? NINETY FUCKING MINUTES?! I would classify a kickboxing class as a beefed-up step aerobics class, and aerobics is cardio, and cardio is the enemy.

Cardio should never be more than 20 minutes unless doctor prescribed. Furthermore, cardio should rarely cause you to break a sweat. What little cardio I do consists of hopping on the exercise bike, moving my feet in circles, and watching Sportscenter. Maybe I’ll upgrade to the treadmill during beach season, but I’ll still never see the timer go over 20 minutes.

You have got to be careful Two Scoopers. Too much cardio and your body will start using your precious muscle tissue as energy, and what if your body decides to start with your bicep muscle!? That would be a travesty to end all travesties. That is why I forbid myself to do cardio, too much risk involved, too dangerous.

Moral of the story? No classes, no cardio, just protein and free weights - or else you will end up looking like this (in which case, call me):


-Tony Muscoli

Well today is the Boston Marathon. The weather is perfect. World records are getting broken. And I couldn’t care less. Watching a marathon is like watching Nascar, it is only worth watching at the end - or if somebody crashes.

You should all know how we at Two Scoops feel about distance running from my post about some runner/blogger douche. The short of it is, marathon running is stupid. The guy in the legend for which the Marathon is named died after he ran 26 miles. It is terrible on your knees, and training for it turns you into a scrawny bitch.

If you were to ask me, “hey Tony, does winning the Boston Marathon get you laid?" No, no it does not would be my swift and decisive answer. You see those gangly guys line up at the starting line? If WBZ didn’t have the "ELITE RUNNERS" label on the botton of the screen, I would have sworn that the numbers on their chest were to decide in what order they receive their food handouts from the back of a Red Cross truck. I was in the gym when I looked up and saw these guys, and before I even knew what happened I yelled at the screen, "GET THOSE FUCKERS SOME SANDWICHES! AND PROTEIN SHAKES! AND THEN ANOTHER SANDWICH!" It was embarrassing… for them.

In the history books, whenever the old ‘fight-or-flight’ scenario pops up, nobody remembers the cowards who flight. History remembers those who stand and fight. That is what strength, muscle, masculinity, and this website are all about - all about courage, and honor, and being badass. So my question to distance runners is: Why would you train yourself to be good at running away? Why practice being a coward?

The moral of this blog is, if you must run, here is The Two Scoops Guide to Going Running. And if you are a distance runner, then you are a professional coward. Have a protein shake. End of story.

-Tony “Two Miles… TOPS” Muscoli

After my phenomenal Costco trip, I settled down to prepare a light meal consisting of a half dozen hard boiled eggs and handful of cottage cheese (and yes I scoop it with my hand, I can’t really think of a more efficient way to eat from a 3lb bucket of cottage cheese). This is my standard pre-workout snack. Protein preloading I call it, and if gives me epic gas which is great for clearing an area around your bench. Nobody comes over to ask, “can I work in?” I am so fucking smart.

Anyway, my buddy Slam calls me up and asks if I wanted to go to the gym, which is retarded cause he knows I am going to the fucking gym. It shouldn’t even be a question, but it gets worse. As we are walking in from the parking lot, I ask if he wants to start with bench press or if he wants to start with bench press. He replies, “I think I am going to run on the treadmill for a few miles first.” Goddamn it. Now this guy doesn’t come to the gym with me a lot so I cut him a break, but I told him that if he wanted to roll up to the gym with me, he better head straight for the fucking bench. I WILL NOT be seen with somebody who “runs on the treadmill for a few miles.” Also, a few miles? As in, more than one mile? Dude clearly hasn’t read the Two Scoops Guide to Going Running.

So I told him straight up, if you are going to pull this shit, you can just run your ass home too. Don’t you know cardio is for chicks? Cardio burns calories and it burns muscle, and you need both of those things for more muscle.

Guess what happened when we walked into the gym - ongoing renovations made half the cardio machines unavailable and there was actually a line of people waiting for treadmills. hahahahaha! I have never seen a line this long at a gym?! I looked at Slam with the biggest grin on my face. I didn’t say anything out loud but he knew exactly what I was thinking, the Gods have spoken, they don’t want you to do cardio. And by Gods I mean Tony Muscoli. And by “don’t want you to do cardio” I mean “wants you to do bench press.”

Moral of the story: Two Scoops knows best.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Get the fuck off the elliptical.

-J. Beef

Most meatheads agree that the only workouts you will ever need can be accomplished in the free weight section at Gold’s Gym. However, there are a few of us on the outer fringe of exercise science who are dabbling in an activity known as running. Whoa! Easy does it; take your laptop out of the fireplace and hear me out for a second. Running is for more than just high school sissies frolicking around in tiny shorts and fancy-boy shoes. Running, in moderation of course, can help you gain more muscle definition, and that means sweeter six packs. Not so fast though, now that I have your attention, it’s time for you to learn how to run like a man, the “Two Scoops” way.

Step One: The Preparation

Essential Accessories

Cross Trainers. When running, you are going to want sneakers that allow free range of ankle motion (i.e. not your new Air Jordan XVIIs). However, running shoes make you look like a pussy. My solution is wearing cross trainers. Enough ankle motion to accomplish the task at hand, while letting people know, “Hey, I don’t usually do shit like this.”

Basketball Shorts. Similarly to the cross trainers, basketball shorts let your spectators know that just because you are running, does not mean that you are a runner. To really drive the point home, the length should fall somewhere around the middle of your calf. This also helps to hide the fact that you haven’t worked out legs a day in your life. Don’t worry about the feeling of ten pounds of polyester whipping against your legs, you’re not doing this for speed.

Designer T-Shirt. The tighter the better. After the sweet pre-run pump you’ll have worked up, you want to show off the goods. Once your biceps have the full attention of any woman within two zip codes, the next thing they’ll notice is the label. A guy who goes running in a 75 dollar tee must really know how to ball out. Make sure the brand is in full view for any potential spectators.

iPod Bicep-Strap. The bicep-strap-ipod-holder is currently very controversial amongst meatheads, since it covers up a portion of your hard-earned, godlike upper arm. However, you’ll look like a bad motherfucker with that puny elastic band bursting at the seams as it buckles under the pressure of your massive bicep. I say go for it, holding an ipod with your hand is so 2003.

The Pump

Getting a sweet pump is arguably the most important aspect of running. First, take two scoops (predicable, huh?) of NO-Xplode. To the face. Now, if you want some extra muscle tone, try slugging down a bottle of VPX Redline. Face. When you regain feeling in your left arm, it’s time to start lifting. I suggest starting out with dumbbell chest presses, full max out, at least 5 different angles. Then move on to the biceps. Seated dumbbell curls, preacher curls, olympic bar curls, and shameless flexing. Once your arms look like they’re about to stretch your Ed Hardy to the point of disintegration, it’s time to go running.

Step 2: The Running

Not much to talk about here, you just kind of run around for a while. Shit isn’t rocket science. Here are a few extra tips for you whiny fucks.

Technique

Keep your elbows aimed directly away from you, and your upper arms well above your nipples. Imagine wading chest-high in freezing cold water, and you don’t want to get the pythons wet. There you go. Now all you have to do is move your feet a little bit and BAM, you’re running baby.

Distance

Just run until your kind of tired. The first thing to hurt will be some tiny muscle near your shin that you have probably never used before. When that little sucker starts to burn, just turn around and walk home. Upon arrival, post a Steve Prefontaine quote on your Facebook status, he said some badass shit, and you just ran 1.2 miles. Chug a celebratory protein shake and hit the showers, you really left it all out there today.

E.o.S.

- Anthony “Tony Nuggets” Rizzuto