Kroc Rows are, in a nutshell, really, REALLY INCREDIFUCKING HEAVY dumbbell rows for high reps, and they are named after powerlifter Matt Kroczaleski.
Matt was performing dumbbell rows for sets of 30 reps, no straps, with 150lb dumbbells, the heaviest dumbbells in his gym. He figured he had reached max level and decided to cut out dumbbell rows from his training to focus on new equipment.
A short while later, while preparing for USA Powerlifting Nationals, he noticed that the bar was slipping from his hands on all his heavy deadlifts. When he added dumbbell rows back into his training, he stopped having that problem.
From then on, Kroczaleski made dumbbell rows a dedicated part of his training regiment, and his quest to find the most ridiculously massif dumbbells ever began.
His quest was to perform 300lb rows for reps. Not suprisingly, one of the biggest challenges was finding dumbbells that heavy. Kroczaleski ended on a pair of 36" long double-threaded bolts that were actually used for anchoring large buildings. Did you read that? “USED FOR ANCHORING LARGE [FUCKING] BUILDINGS." Buildings, not dumbbells, but buildings. They were made from hardened steel and were long enough and strong enough to hold the amount of weight he needed. Matt had his brother, an ironworker, weld some inside collars onto the bolts, and he began working towards his 300lb goal.
He did it:
This, my Two Scooping Friends, is
Actual. Fucking. Beast Mode.
Even the name of the exercise is beastly; “Kroc" sounds prehistoric huge.
Next Back Day, when it is time to do rows, instead of “working on your form" with “slow, unilateral movements," grab the biggest piece of iron in the building, and get Krocing.
I hope this article has inspired you to put on a lion costume next time you do Kroc Rows and check out Matt’s article on T-Nation for the full story of his quest to build the biggest dumbbells known to man.
Here is the thing ladies, it isn’t really about being skinny, or healthy, or fit, or strong, or weak, or fat, or anything really. It is about being sexy. Plain and simple. Sexy is a unique characteristic, and either you are, or you are not.
Skinny is not sexy, sure, but it can be if the chick is hot.
Healthy is sexy, sure, but only if the chick is hot.
Healthy is just Step One to becoming sexy. Let me explain:
Why Being Fit Isn’t Altogether Sexy:
You can work out all you want sweetheart, but if what your mamma gave you is a busted-ass face, a pair of lopsided titties, and low self esteem, there ain’t no exercise for that.
The broad in the photo above is sexy because she is sexy, not because she can perform Olympic lifts (although that helps). Now, you can definitely up your score if you got a banging body, but then you are still known as a Butter Face. And we haven’t even started talking about what happens when you open your mouth.
You can overcome all the physical roadblocks that prevent a woman from being attractive, and still not be sexy.
You can have the face of Helen of Troy, the stomach of the chick in the picture above, the arms of Michelle Obama, the ass of Kim Kardashian, and the tits of Scarlett Johansson, but if you walk around with your shoulders slouched, a scowl on your face, and a chip on your shoulder, you still won’t be sexy. Sorry. Plus you would be a white person with black person arms which is fucking strange.
You have got to BE SEXY, to be sexy.
What is Sexy?
Take notes Victoria’s Secret: Sexy is made up of Looks, Confidence, and Intelligence.
Looks Genetics determines a lot of this, but if you workout, eat right, get fit like the chick above - you are halfway there. BOOM, done. I can’t tell you how many guys I know who have justified hooking up with a Cincinnati Bengal with the excuse, “but she had a tight body, right?"
You are halfway there, you want to go the extra mile? Does your face need some work? Get it done. That might be an oversimplification of plastic surgery, but let’s assume that works out for you, and now you got the looks.
Confidence Once you got the looks, play the part. Strut your stuff, wear a shorter skirt, show a little more cleavage, flip your hair, arch your back, bat your eyelashes, suck your finger suggestively, give over-the-pants hand jobs in public places, I don’t give a fuck. If you look sexy, have the confidence to fucking WORK. THAT. SHIT.
You see that guy looking at you from across the free weight area? You know how long it will take him to think about fucking you? Negative 14 minutes. The second you walked past him in tight, neon boy shorts and a cut-off tee that shows some glossy midriff, he imagined you wearing nothing except the glossy midriff.
By the time you caught him staring, he has already been using every mirror at his disposal to snipe a peak at dat ass.
Are you one of those girls who like to do slow, controlled bent-over dumbbell rows? The kind where you don’t actually get a workout, but your cleavage looks good in the mirror and you can arch your back so you know your ass is in the most presentable position possible?
If you don’t do this exercise, you should. And if you do, that guy who was eying you from across the gym, if you want him, you got him - act like it. Guys are easy and stupid.
I had a hot girl friend once ask me, “You think I am hotter than Heather, right Tony? So then why does she get all the guys? I don’t get it." The answer is simple, “because Heather has confidence, girl! …And she is a whore. Guys like whores."
Intelligence Now that you look and act sexy, all you need is a little bit of intelligence to back it up, because at some point you are going to have to open your mouth. You can look good as hell, but if you are socially and functionally retarded, it can be very distracting. Take this chick for example:
Ms. Stodden here is sexy as fuck, but the more I watch that video, the more turned off I get. That’s right ladies, looks can get you far, but if you want to be ALL POWERFUL, you have to have some semblance of an IQ. There is an old addage, “Don’t stick your dick in crazy," and dat bitch cray.
I may have probably definitely kind of over-simplified Sexy in this article, but the fact of the matter is that the “Health is Sexy" poster above suggests that ‘if you are a woman, and you do CrossFit, you will be sexy,’ and that is just simply not true. I had to step in and say something.
Two Scoops. Get Huge. End of Story. You think you know how to be a meathead? Nope. You don't. You are small. You are weak. But we can help. So sit down, read up, and get ready for a hot beef injection.
