Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Reader Email:

Tony,
Love Two Scoops, I read that shit everyday, but I have a question. I know you say you eat a lot of protein, but what about vegetables? Don’t you think that the micro-nutrients or phytonutrients or whatever in plants are important?

- Vegetably Curious

Vegetables? What are… I don’t know what those are? Is that a bicep curl variation? And what the fuck is a phytonutrient? I don’t understand the question.

I’m kidding of course. I know what vegetables are. I run an internet bodybuilding/being-huge-and-awesome blog, so I have to be knowledgeable on these types of things.

I actually conducted my Senior Internet Blogging Doctoral Hypothethesis on vegetables. My research suggests that “vegetables,” as you call them, are actually plants invented by vegans and ladyboys so that they can have regular bowel movements.

Below is an artist’s rendering of what “vegetables” might look like:

According to a study that I just made up, ‘people who eat a diet that consists primarily of fruits and vegetables can have up to 6 bowel movements a day [citation needed].” Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

I like to keep myself irregular by constipating myself with a high protein diet and painkillers - the pressure buildup helps you bust out some extra reps (just be careful not to shit yourself when you are maxing out on back squats).

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

LoCal’s Healthy Joint Menu

I got a hunger boner when I saw this menu. I would be Mega Swole ERRY DAY if I lived near this place. Too bad LoCal’s Healthy Joint is in Texas.

Field trip to Houston? My balls aren’t sweating enough up here in New England.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I got no problem with vegans, other than the fact that they are vegan.

Eat animals, lift weights, get huge.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This picture has been floating around Tumblr fitness blogs recently, so I took the liberty of fixing it. Tony saves the internet, again.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hey Tony, thought you might be interested in this…

-Colin

Why yes, I am interested in participating in this study. Here is the email I sent with my brief summary of how Tony Muscoli is living a bodybuilding lifestyle.

Dear Bodybuilders for Lifestyle Research,

I saw your ad on Craigslist. My name is Tony Muscoli. I am huge. Here is why:

Tony Muscoli’s Bodybuilding Lifestyle

Morning:
When the alarm clock sounds, I don’t hit the snooze button, I hit the “obliterate” setting on my blender (I keep my blender by my bed). This turns the milk, ice, and two scoops of whey protein powder that I put into the blender the night before into, what I like to call, a “protein shake.” Then I take it to the face.

Then I drop and do 100 push ups. Mind you, the alarm clock is blasting this whole time. My roommates love me.

Then I go to work. Once at work I consume 2 cups of oatmeal mixed with a spoonful of peanut butter and a dusting of protein powder.

Day:
I have a desk job, which means I can spend the vast majority of my day snacking on raw almonds and protein bars, browsing bodybuilding forums, and working on my bodybuilding website, www.twoscoopsgethuge.com.

For lunch I make a sandwich with a side of cottage cheese. My sandwich is as follows:

1. Slice of Double Protein Bread.
2. 1/2 pound of turkey breast.
3. Slice of Cheese.
4. Tomato (whole)
5. Avocado (whole. Don’t peel off the skin. I heard it has nutrients)
6. Mustard (mayo is for fat asses)
7. Spinach (don’t tell people I eat vegetables -vegetables are gay and it would ruin my street cred)
8. Double Protein Bread.
9. I fucking love protein.

At about 2:00pm I have another lunch.

At 3:30pm I take two scoops of a pre-workout drink. Once I start yelling violently at my coworkers about how I can out-bench Excel, I know the stimulants have kicked in and I duck out of work about an hour early to hit the weights.

At the gym I will lift heavy ass weights for about hour. Cardio doesn’t happen. Period. I don’t do it.

Night:
Post-gym I take two scoops of Whey Protein, 12oz of Milk, a banana, a scoop of peanut butter, 2 scoops of plain greek yogurt, and a scoop of BCAAs and blend the fuck out of it. Then I pour a 5g scoop of creatine into my mouth, followed by a multi-vitamin and fish oil pills, and wash it all down with my massif protein shake. Now I am huge.

Dinner time. Usually, I will grill 10lbs of chicken on Sunday night, put it tupperware containers with some brown rice, and eat that shit EVERY NIGHT. It is boring as fuck, but it is the price you have to pay to be able to go to the beach and have chicks start fingering themselves as you walk by.

Bedtime:
I conclude my evenings by getting stoned as fuck (alcohol is bad for muscles) and banging my smoking hot girlfriend. When I am done, I tell her to swallow my “protein shake,” then go make me one. Two scoops of Casein in whole milk. She knows the drill. Then I take said protein shake to the face, and pass the fuck out.

If you don’t think that is a bodybuilding lifestyle, then you aren’t good at your jobs.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli