Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This is why the Weekend is my day off.

-Tony “Too Hungover” Muscoli

I don’t think it’s possible for me to disagree more with a single statement. It’s a simple mathematical equation:

Meatstick = Protein x (Attitude + (Lifting to the point of bowel-releasing exertion)).

To think that anyone would give advice that you shouldn’t attempt to lift well beyond what is clearly outside your realm of possibility is obviously NOT huge.

Aside from the sheer embarrassment of the can’t-do attitude this writer is publishing, I’d like to discuss that anyone who struggles at 30 Lbs, is either A) a chick who can’t shop for my weekly chicken inventory, or B) a hipster. Either way, I’m confident Darwin will clean up the mess.

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

The original title of this video was “Sexy Girl Pull Up Bar Fail”. I found that title to be wildly inaccurate because this broad is a 6 at best. You could say, “oh she has a nice body,” but she doesn’t. My pecs would legit not fit into that training bra of hers. Tony like curves, and this skinny bitch ain’t got them. Also, she is mechanically deficient, which is a turn off. If she can’t get that bar to hold up even her little boobs, I’d hate to see what happens when she tries to prop open a door or screw in a light bulb.

Sexy girl fail.

To be fair though, that type of pull-up bar is TERRIBLE. When I was in high school I had one. Thing fuckin’ sucks. I was getting all jacked up for a season of bone-crunching JV Football, when the bar gave out and I came straight down onto the back of my head. My buddies said I was concussed - I think I still am. That is why you go to a real gym. Home gyms are for Tony Hortons and soccer moms.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Nice chin vag bro.

Hey look, you got your face fixed… oh wait, you still have a soul patch.

Reader Email:

Dude had terrible form and only deadlifted what I did when I was in my mothers womb, and then passes out and hits his face on a dumbbell rack because the thought of him even touching something that was over 300lbs made him light headed.

-Capital Backer

Thank you for the email Capital. Can I call you Capital? Or is it Mr. Backer? My first instinct is to agree with Capital here, this dude should fucking sack up and learn how to stand on two feet. Humans have been doing it for a couple hundred years now, figure it out. Also, his “Hunchback of Notre Dame” form leaves much to be desired, unless you desire a herniated disk. Everybody knows lifting and getting huge is about one thing above all others: looking good - whether you are in the gym or on the beach, and this guy does not look good. But then he starts to make me second guess myself…

Sure, lifting heavy weight is sweet, but looking like you are lifting heavy weight is just as sweet. Even if this dude was rocking three 25lb bounce plates, from afar, all you see is three plates - and three plates is better than two. So this guy is lifting 3 plates a side and I am starting to show him a little respect. Then he turns my world upside down: he finishes his rep, screams victory, and throws up my personal favorite, the coup de grâce, the Front Double Bicep. THE FRONT DOUBLE BICEP! Hell yes, I didn’t think he had it in him. OK, I am on your side now guy, what else you got? Oh, you are going to pass out like a little bitch who can’t handle his supplements? Nevermind.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Before you say, “but Tony, he passed out because he lifted so hard, isn’t that kind of awesome?” Stop talking. I lift hard erryday. Sometimes I get lightheaded, I got to brace myself, maybe even sit down and wait it out. But then I get a drink of water and get back to it, not fall face first into a pile of dumbbells and send myself to the hospital. This dude was being a rookie. Act like you’ve been there.