Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This is a commercial for The Anti-Gym, an extreme, and sexy gym in Denver, CO run by Michael Karolchyk.  Oddly enough, the gym is now closed due to Karolchyk’s failure to pay backtaxes to the tune of $184,000. 

I can only imagine how much shit this gym got for this commercial - the Beer Googles Fairy, who came exploding out of the refrigerator, basically just committed a hate crime by assaulting that fat chick with a cream pie.

I totally get what they are trying to do, the message they are trying to send: “We are not a bunch of Planet Fitness Fucks here - Meatheads and Elliptical Bunnies only."  However, the general public (an increasing portion of which are overly sensitive "chubbies”) probably can’t look past the hate crime they just witnessed long enough to observe the subtle brilliance of this commercial.

Not only is the script amazing, but this commercial preaches some valuable life lessons:

1. Alcohol is not a solution to your problems.
   “This is pathetic!  You need a beer bottle or a can to get a man?”
2. Proper nutrition is important for mind, body, and sex life.
   “A chubby eating a pie!  That’s why you’ll never get a guy!”
3. If you are trying to find a man, and you aren’t hot, beer works.
   “[Beer] is the only way I can get a guy to come over!” Truth.
4. If your fridge is full of beer, and you are fat, your fridge might spontaneously combust into a meathead.

.

If PC Police sirens stop wailing long enough for you to actually sit and really watch this commercial, and I mean really watch it, then maybe we can all reach an agreement as to whether or not this commercial is the best gym commercial ever, or the greatest gym commercial ever.

Shame this gym had to close down, Karolchyk, the owner, was a brilliant marketer…

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Most people would see this man at the gym and see a guy on bath salts wearing athletic shorts. I see a fitness prodigy. 

Let’s break down this PCP addict’s workout routine into his most effective and groundbreaking maneuvers:

The Intensest Russian Muscle Confusion Workout

1) The Arm-Assisted Spread Eagle Sit-Up.

This critical ab-blasting move engages the abdominal muscles by not actually engaging them at all.

2) Inverted Turkish Spaghetti Legs

Inverted Turkish Spaghetti Legs are great for loosening up the hip flexors, and causing irreparable vertebrae damage.

3) Lying Full Machine Tricep Press

What do you lift when you can rack the machine?  You lift the whole machine.  This guy is an innovator.

4) Reverse Lunging Self-Cockpunch

The Reverse Lunging Self-Cockpunch really separates the men from the boys.  You used to see this move a lot in the late 1980s in NorthSouthern Iraq.  It takes balls of steel to hammer out the last few reps.

Hopefully you can take away from this articlesome valuable new moves to add to your workout routines.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Arnold’s Blueprint: ESPN 30 for 30 Short

Grantland - This 10-minute movie focuses on the years before Arnold Schwarzenegger was the “Universe’s Perfect Specimen,” when the young Austrian seized upon an opportunity to use the sport of bodybuilding to catapult himself to international stardom.

This 10-minutes movie focuses on the awesomeness of The Arnold.  As a dedicated meathead, I respect, admire, and envy the “do whatever it takes” attitude that Arnold brought with him everywhere.  I would like to try and emulate that mindset, but Arnold was on another planet with this shit: In Pumping Iron, he describes ‘not attending his father’s funeral because it was too close to a competition.' 

However, it is clear that the directors of Arnold’s Blueprint, The Two Escobars, wanted us to takeaway an important message from this film: Arnold had a motherfucking TANK equipped with DUMBBELLS. 

“I have a Tank Gym.  You are beneath me.”

You can go to the most hardcore fucking underground gym in the world, but it will never be a tank. NEVER.  Prove me wrong.

-Tony “Tank Gym” Muscoli

Marshawn Lynch is a beast. His teeth say so:

He definitely took his two scoops that morning and he truly is redefining the word: ‘determination.'  But more importantly, we need to get this guy commentating for NBC.

“Darren Sharper HOLD MA DICK!”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Praise the Lord!  Any Lord! Allah! Hallelujah! Baruch Hashem! ברוך ה׳! Namo Amida Butsu! Hansen Natural CEO Rodney Sacks!  The Monster Titties Girls!  Whatever alien God that Christian Scientists worship! I don’t give a fuck who you thank, I’m just glad this drink exists and that I’ve found it.

Monster Energy Drink with 15 Grams of Protein = Chub

If I could marry a canned beverage, this would be it.  Why?  Because it is the perfect marriage of protein and energy - of getting huge and heart palpitations - that is why.  When I first saw this I went from 6:00pm to 6:45pm.  I am not even kidding, my pants definitely moved a little bit. 

My choice in energy drink has just been made for me.  Never again will I waste valuable time on a Saturday night deciding between RedBull and AMP or RockStar or Monster or Jack3d or Full Throttle or shots of tequila or an iced coffee or No-Doz or Cocaine.  From now on, it is this drink 10 times out of 10.

Monster Rehab Protean Review:

Monster Protean Taste:

This dank shit tastes like a regular Monster Rehab “Tea” drink, just a little bit more supplementy.  It tastes as though they took cans of their Rehab Tea drink, stuck a needle into them and shot them up with 15g’s of high quality protein.  Taste is perfectly acceptable if you like Monster and it leaves you with ZERO excuses to get any other energy drink besides this one.

Taste: 7.9/10

Monster Protean Nutritional Content:

I have yet to see another energy drink with 15 grams of protein, all other ingredients are mute at this point.

Nutritional Content: 10/10

Monster Protean Effects:

Big Tony kicked off his Saturday night right by doing Two Scoops Strikeouts: take a hit, take a shot of protein vodka, chug a Monster Protean, exhale, get a blowjob, repeat.

Needless to say, I played like a champion.  The proprietary Rehab® Energy Blend kept me buzzing all night, ensuring that I had sufficient motivation the beat the beat up, and the added protein removed the anxiety caused by alcohol’s effects on protein synthesis. While most Two Scoopers were thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis,” I was thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis, but at least I chugged an extra 30g’s of protein to make up for it.”

Effects: 9/10

Monster Protein Review Final Score: 9/10

Buy this shit.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I really hope that the actual name of the gym is “GYM.”

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