Two Scoops. Get Huge.

The only words that come to mind are: “Suck it you sloppy bitch.”

The chances that I find myself in this exact scenario accounts for approximately 9.4% of the reasons why I lift.

I got mad respect for Joe Rogan. Dude spits crazy wisdom dog:

Marinate on that shit.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Most people would see this man at the gym and see a guy on bath salts wearing athletic shorts. I see a fitness prodigy.

Let’s break down this PCP addict’s workout routine into his most effective and groundbreaking maneuvers:

The Intensest Russian Muscle Confusion Workout

1) The Arm-Assisted Spread Eagle Sit-Up.

This critical ab-blasting move engages the abdominal muscles by not actually engaging them at all.

2) Inverted Turkish Spaghetti Legs

Inverted Turkish Spaghetti Legs are great for loosening up the hip flexors, and causing irreparable vertebrae damage.

3) Lying Full Machine Tricep Press

What do you lift when you can rack the machine? You lift the whole machine. This guy is an innovator.

4) Reverse Lunging Self-Cockpunch

The Reverse Lunging Self-Cockpunch really separates the men from the boys. You used to see this move a lot in the late 1980s in NorthSouthern Iraq. It takes balls of steel to hammer out the last few reps.

Hopefully you can take away from this articlesome valuable new moves to add to your workout routines.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"I know you guys think you are the only ones who can do this but…"

Really? Do guys really do that exercise? How bromosexual do you have to be to incorporate that move into your workout? I’m pretty sure the only time that exercise has ever looked good is in that video, and even then it was still pretty awkward. If I hadn’t been distracted by all the side-boob, it would have been even more awkward.

Doesn’t really matter though, because I’m pretty sure that in those outfits, those two babes could talk about how to properly cultivate petunias and I would still watch it.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Planet Fitness is at it again, and this has to be my favorite commercial so far. The girl is hot. The guy is hilarious. That shirt is fucking incredible. And the line, “Hey did somebody lose a washboard?” is golden.

"Hey did somebody lose a washboard? Because I found one over here.
I’m just joking, it’s my abs.”

Planet Fitness may say, “don’t be this guy.” TwoScoops says, “be this guy.”

And can somebody please GET ME THAT SHIRT?! It would go great with my zebra pants.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This is The Single Best Exercise for Your Abdominals, period.

Is this guy for real? What do you even call that, a Decline Air-Fuck Sit-Up? How can anybody perform that exercise, and then NOT share it with the world? Luckily somebody was there to film it, otherwise this guy might have kept this ab shredding secret to himself. It has EVERYTHING a Two Scoops ab exercise should have:

The Two Scoops “Effective Abdominal Exercise” Checklist:

1. Engages upper abdominal muscles.
2. Engages lower abdominal muscles.
3. Works your hip flexors.
4. Puts an unfortunate amount of strain on your lower vertebrae and patella tendons.
5. Causes the machine to make a loud banging noise that will attract the attention of other gym goers so everybody can see how fucking awesome your ab exercise is.
6. Includes a celebratory hip thrust at the top of each repetition to display your mating abilities to any nearby female gym members.

Check, Check, Check, Check, Check, and Checkmate. The Decline Air-Fuck Sit-Up has it all. Literally the perfect combination of real work and showboating that makes a body-weight exercise truly great. Definitely adding this to my routine.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli