Two Scoops. Get Huge.

On Sunday, the Buffalo Bills are down 6 points with a minute to play.  2nd and 10 on the New England Patriots’ 44-yard line.  Ryan Fitzpatrick makes a short pass to Fred Jackson, at which point Patriots linebacker #55, Brandon Spikes, promptly lays him THE FUCK OUT. 

CBS.com - Jackson was hurt at the end of a 9-yard catch and run, when he lowered his head while being swarmed by three New England defenders. Spikes got to Jackson first, lunging into the running back with his left forearm striking Jackson directly on the helmet.

Jackson fell immediately to the ground and fumbled the ball…

Jackson stayed down, because Spikes’ forearm to the helmet had taken him out with a concussion, but as players were leaving the field, B. Spikes was still mouthing off to Bills players and flexing his bicep right up in their face.  I would too if my forearm gave people concussions.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

What does one have to do in life to make filming your trip to the supermarket worthwhile?  I assume you just need to be a giant, hilarious meathead.  But if that is the case, why isn’t anybody filming my trips to the supermarket?  My grocery shopping is insanely interesting: Milk, eggs, cheese, chicken, rice, broccoli, fuck you, done. Maybe there is more to it than being a giant, hilarious meathead?  Let’s check the stats:

Rob Gronkowski vs. Tony Muscoli

Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski

Height: 6’ 6"
Weight: 265 lbs
Age: 22
40-yard dash: 4.68 seconds
Bench Press: 23 reps (225lbs)
Makes a Living as a Meathead by: Playing Tight End for New England Patriots
Greatest Meathead Achievements:
-Set NFL Record in 2011 for Most Touchdown Catches by a Tight End with 17.=
-Set NFL Record in 2011 for Most Yards by a Tight End with 1,327 yards.
-Took picture of Porn Star Bibi Jones wearing his Patriots Jersey.
Whatever, not that cool, I bet she is terrible in bed…

.

Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Height: 5’ 11" (on a good day)
Weight: 200 lbs
Age: 20-something
40-yard dash: N/A (hasn’t gone for a run in over 2 years)
Bench Press: 10 reps (225lbs)
Makes a Living as a Meathead by: Working a desk job and posting to Two Scoops in his spare time.
Greatest Meathead Achievements: has at least 1 post with over 100 “Likes” on Facebook.
-Khal Drago Eats 56 Chicken Breasts a Week

Oh OK, NOW I see why people would watch Rob Gronkowski shopping and not me.  Whatever, I love the guy.  He gives Brian Cushing good competition for the title of Two Scoops’ Favorite Meathead.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

“20 minutes a day, 3 days a week, and you’ll have a body like Hochuli." 

Ed Hochuli is quite possibly the most famous official in America.  Why?  Because he is huge. 

Yes, he will make the occasional long-winded penalty explanation that will bring about a few laughs on SportsCenter, but nobody laughs at him for the real reason he is famous: his barrel chest and massif biceps. 

It is as simple as that, there is no joke in this post, just: Get huge like Hochuli, get noticed.  End of story.

-Tony "Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. It’s nice watching a weekend of football with the real refs.

“My arms are looking sweet today, I saw them on the camera up top.”

I love Cushing’s attitude!  At first it seems like Brian is a big, dumb asshole, but the more you watch and listen to him, the more you like him.  All this guy wants to do is get big, hit people, and have fun doing it. 

Just look at this fucking meathead: 

His jawline makes him look like a neanderthal, while his hat positioning gives him just the right amount of douche.

What gives you the most respect for this guy though, is his helmetless headbutt:

He was getting shoved around, he didn’t fight back, but he got right up in the other guy’s face like “fuck you. I play the game, and I don’t take no shit.”

Brian Cushing is my new favorite meathead.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Marshawn Lynch is a beast. His teeth say so:

He definitely took his two scoops that morning and he truly is redefining the word: ‘determination.'  But more importantly, we need to get this guy commentating for NBC.

“Darren Sharper HOLD MA DICK!”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

What is this monster?  You kidding me with those pipes bro?  GIVE THEM TO ME.  By the looks of it, you got a supplement in your hands there?  What is it?  TELL ME NOW!  I need to put two scoops of whatever-the-fuck-that-is into my face.

LaRon Landry has the “Hey Twitter, I am fucking huge” Game down.  Sending shit like this out to the Tworld:


Note to self: Don’t fuck with LaRon Landry

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

USA Today - Ray Lewis reaches into the black leather briefcase on the floor in front of his locker and pulls out a clear plastic bag.  It is show-and-tell time.

Stamped “P.M.,” the bag is filled with multicolored vitamin supplements. Before noon, the iconic Baltimore Ravens linebacker already had consumed a protein shake, egg whites, an apple, 2 gallons of water and a similar bag of “A.M.” supplements.

Lewis, 36, is explaining why he believes he has survived 16 NFL seasons — and still is playing at a Pro Bowl level as the Ravens prepare for Sunday’s AFC divisional playoff game against the Houston Texans— in such a physically demanding sport… Lewis estimates he swallows 50 pills a day.

50 pills a day?  Fuck. Yes. Ray. Lewis. Even at my peak I think I was only in the 30’s. Two servings of Animal Pak (11 pills each), thermos, fish oil, L-Carnitine, L-Arginine, and a few others and I was only at like 35 pills a day. Does he invent new supplements? This is fantastic. Fascinating. What is Ray’s stack? I have to know. I must. 50 pills a day is barbaric. That is why I am just a lame meathead blogger taking 30 pills a day and Ray Lewis is a 16 year NFL veteran.

50 pills a day, get huge, be one of the most feared linebackers in the NFL. Time to step up my supplementation game.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to Pete for the article.

Remember this commercial from the 2003 Super Bowl?

Terry Tate’s Office Linebacker:

I shouldn’t have to explain to you folks why I think this video is awesome. For those of you who are clueless, the Office Linebacker position is secretly every meathead’s dream office job.  Not all of us can be bouncers forever, there comes a time when many of us muscle heads have to hang up our tight black t-shirts, clip that velvet rope back into place one last time, bid farewell to the beautifully slutty cocktail waitresses at Club [insert chic noun here], don a pair of khakis and a tie, and enter the 9-5 grind. 

When people saw that office linebacker commercial for the first time they thought it was hilarious, they loved it!  Millions of hits on YouTube.  But all the men who had to buy their suit pants separately from their “athletic fit” suit jackets (because not everybody with a 48 inch chest is a fat ass with a size 42 waist) cried silently at their desks, wishing in vain for HR to post a job opening for a real life Office Linebacker position.

I was one of those poor souls.  I watched that commercial and I had fleeting hope that I could fit into normal society.  But alas I was young, ignorant, and impetuous.  I mean I was just a kid for god sakes, and my big, muscular fingers were just learning how to tie the Windsor Knot.  I can remember thinking to myself, “hey, that could be ME someday." 

But now, 8 years later, I know that day will never come.  Society couldn’t handle the smooth efficiency that an Office Linebacker would bring to the workplace.  At least consider an Office Cornerback for god sakes.  He could just hassle people for the first 5 minutes of a task then play tight man-on-man until the task was complete.  Think about it: At the NYSE, if you asked a runner to get a trade across the floor, think how much faster he would go if as soon as you handed him the order, an Office Cornerback gave him a shove then started to back pedal, keeping his eyes locked on the runner’s chest.

People would move a lot faster if they could hear those footsteps behind them.  Fuck it, hire an Office Linebacker and a Corner and have them play zone.  Don’t have to worry about some pip squeek trying to shuffle-step into a button hook to hit on one of the hot interns because a highly trained Office Linebacker will pick that up 9 times out of 10 and lay him out even before he even starts his juke. 
Only in a perfect world I guess.

God this job market sucks.

-Tony "Two Scoops” Muscoli