As any member of Generation Y can tell you, EDM, Molly, and NO-Xplode are what all the cool kids are doing these days.
And I’ll be God damned if I am going to be caught being uncool, not even for a second. That is why I carry a pair of stunner shades and a diverse selection of neon tank tops that say things like, “KEEP CALM and DROP THE BASS” and “SEX, DRUGS, and DUBSTEP” in my car at all times - because you never know when you might get invited to a rave.
Seriously, those shirts are the best, and definitely not played-out. They say fun things, but because the “KEEP CALM” thing is British, they are still classy.
Preparing for The Rave
So as not to be outdone by my younger counterparts, I attended an 18+ EDM concert last night. Zedd was playing and I wasn’t about to let the old, “well it is a Tuesday and I have work tomorrow” excuse get the best of me - I ain’t no bitch.
I donned my flyest kicks, put on my brightest and most obnoxious tank top, shined up a pair of dank kaleidoscope glasses, put on a bunch of bead bracelets that I stole off some kindergartners, and spiked my hair with enough gel to declare my dome a fire hazard.
Then I put in my standard ‘15 minutes of wandering around outside the concert asking people for Molly’ so everybody knows I’m looking to roll.
The 18+ EDM Show
My bros and I roll into the Zedd show with as much swagger as possible. I even locked myself in a dark room for 10 minutes before I walked in so my pupils looked extra dilated. By the time we made it to the bar, I’d already seen at least 3 girls eyefuck my biceps. I am so fucking shredded.
But then I noticed another thing: high schoolers.
High schoolers were fucking EVERYWHERE. Some of the girls look like I could be their father, and some of the guys look like they are out celebrating their first pube. This perturbed me at first, but then the silver lining playbook opened in front of my eyes:
Being a 20-something year old meathead, with a few of your meatbros, surrounded by little high schoolers, means that you have the size, and maturity to make the crowd your bitch.
I was with two of my rave wingmen, and we all bench more than some of these kids can score on their SATs. Do you want to push your way through a crowd with 17” arms, or 13” arms?
You wouldn’t be surprised how easy it is to make your way to the front of the crowd when the crowd consists of 130 lb kids who haven’t grown into their bodies yet.
Another fascinating phenomenon: every child with a School ID seems to have a bag of drugs in their pocket, yet they still have to ask me to buy them beers.
- Step 1: Buy beers for underage kids in exchange for drugs
- Step 2: …..?…..
- Step 3: Profit.
I remember back when I was their age… back then Dave Mathews Band concerts were the cool thing to do. Apparently, getting drunk in a parking lot doesn’t cut it these days. Now I have to “roll face” if I want to stay popular and relevant.
Whatever, gimme a bead mask. Maybe if I flex my traps real hard I can look like Bane.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
