Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Ultra Music Festival is a wonderful celebration of youthful exuberance, drugs, Miami, music, muscles, women, bead masks, and filthy, filthy beats. This year was no exception.

The world’s greatest DJs converge on downtown Miami to put on a 3 day show of light and sound that would make most Europeans say, “meh, I’ve seen bigger.”

Here is the official Two Scoops recap of each day’s greatest performances.

Day 1.

Friday featured some huge artists: Tiesto, Eric Prydz, Kaskade, Diplo, Kill The Noise, and The Chainsmokers.

Who was the best? I don’t know; I was too drunk to remember.

Day 2.

Rolling too hard to remember.

Day 3.

Too high to remember.

Recap, DONE.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

As any member of Generation Y can tell you, EDM, Molly, and NO-Xplode are what all the cool kids are doing these days.

And I’ll be God damned if I am going to be caught being uncool, not even for a second. That is why I carry a pair of stunner shades and a diverse selection of neon tank tops that say things like, “KEEP CALM and DROP THE BASS” and “SEX, DRUGS, and DUBSTEP” in my car at all times - because you never know when you might get invited to a rave.

Seriously, those shirts are the best, and definitely not played-out. They say fun things, but because the “KEEP CALM” thing is British, they are still classy.

Preparing for The Rave

So as not to be outdone by my younger counterparts, I attended an 18+ EDM concert last night. Zedd was playing and I wasn’t about to let the old, “well it is a Tuesday and I have work tomorrow” excuse get the best of me - I ain’t no bitch.

I donned my flyest kicks, put on my brightest and most obnoxious tank top, shined up a pair of dank kaleidoscope glasses, put on a bunch of bead bracelets that I stole off some kindergartners, and spiked my hair with enough gel to declare my dome a fire hazard.

Then I put in my standard ‘15 minutes of wandering around outside the concert asking people for Molly’ so everybody knows I’m looking to roll.

The 18+ EDM Show

My bros and I roll into the Zedd show with as much swagger as possible. I even locked myself in a dark room for 10 minutes before I walked in so my pupils looked extra dilated. By the time we made it to the bar, I’d already seen at least 3 girls eyefuck my biceps. I am so fucking shredded.

But then I noticed another thing: high schoolers.

High schoolers were fucking EVERYWHERE. Some of the girls look like I could be their father, and some of the guys look like they are out celebrating their first pube. This perturbed me at first, but then the silver lining playbook opened in front of my eyes:

Being a 20-something year old meathead, with a few of your meatbros, surrounded by little high schoolers, means that you have the size, and maturity to make the crowd your bitch.

I was with two of my rave wingmen, and we all bench more than some of these kids can score on their SATs. Do you want to push your way through a crowd with 17” arms, or 13” arms?

You wouldn’t be surprised how easy it is to make your way to the front of the crowd when the crowd consists of 130 lb kids who haven’t grown into their bodies yet.

Another fascinating phenomenon: every child with a School ID seems to have a bag of drugs in their pocket, yet they still have to ask me to buy them beers.

• Step 1: Buy beers for underage kids in exchange for drugs
• Step 2: …..?…..
• Step 3: Profit.

I remember back when I was their age… back then Dave Mathews Band concerts were the cool thing to do. Apparently, getting drunk in a parking lot doesn’t cut it these days. Now I have to “roll face” if I want to stay popular and relevant.

Whatever, gimme a bead mask. Maybe if I flex my traps real hard I can look like Bane.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

As you may well know, anybody who is anybody was in Miami, FL the past week for Ultra Music Festival. Your Uncle Tony was, of course, in attendance and on Thursday I raged my face off at the appropriately named “Size Matters” Pool Party at the Fountainebleau in Miami Beach.

I spent most of my time blowing all of my money on $25 RedBull Vodkas and hamming it up with other awesome people like this fucking ripped older couple:

Two Scoopers @ Size Matters in Miami Beach. He is 50, she is 42 (or so she claims).

I asked these two to pose for Two Scoops and this guy immediately throws up the Front Ab pose like a hero. Not to mention the fact that his wife even flexed her nipples for the camera.

But then shit got real. Steve Angello takes the stage, the crowd looks up in awe, and that is when I saw it…

No, not the loser wearing a t-shirt at the pool party… look closer:

No, not the sexy blonde putting her hair up… look closer:

Right there! In the window, that asshole stroking THE ELLIPTICAL, of all things, while there is a massive fucking rage going on below him. I would get it if he stood up in the window and blasted some Dumbbell Overhead Presses to show off his sweet pump to all the sexy ladies below… but the elliptical?! Fuck man… I can’t even… I am so disgusted… I was so mad I threw a $10 beer at the window (I didn’t want the carbs anyway).

What an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bro how shredded are you going to get for Ultra?

I’m going to get so fucking shredded. Insanely shredded. Ultra shredded. Shredded like the lettuce in the salads I don’t eat. Sly in Rambo 2 shredded. Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder shredded. Firesale at Iron Mountain shredded.

I’m going to get so tight you can see ab striations. I’m not going to drink water for days. It’s going to look like somebody spray painted my epidermis onto my pectorals. Even my penis will look tight. The skin will have that boner-stretched look, even when it’s flaccid.

I’m going to look harder than the tree that girl sexed at last year’s Ultra:

Video for those interested.

In the month leading up to UMF, I’m going to eat nothing but cardio and egg whites. I’ve already stocked up on a 1 year supply of Hydroxycut Hardcore that should last me the month.

Is there such a thing as negative body fat? If your answer is “no,” then you need to see me at Ultra. Shredded.

I’m going to get more fucking cut than this old man:

I’m telling you guys, I’m going to be so cut up for Ultra. Chicks are going to want to grind my quads. Have you ever seen my calf muscle? Neither have I… until ULTRA! Shredded. I’m even going to shave my legs so you can see my calf in high definition. I am not going to shave my whole leg though, I’m not a chick. I am just going to shave out little windows on my calves.

I’m going to get so cut, so shredded, so inhumanly dehydrated, that any hit of Ecstasy would cause immediate cardiac arrest. I’m going to rage 16 hours a day, for 3 days straight, on testosterone alone.

I’m going to get so shredded.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli