Two Scoops. Get Huge.

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED." Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned."

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops" is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

I don’t get it. This nice man in the tank top is concerned about the quality of his fellow gym goers workout, and this scrawny tightass can’t even respond coherently.

What is so hard to understand about this bro’s question?
DID YOU, OR DID NOT YOU, GET YOUR BURN ON you pastey little cardio turd?

I hate Planet Fitness so much. These commercials dehumanize meatheads to the point where I can’t throw up the Front Double Biceps salute to a random stranger in a park without fear of ridicule.

The United States of Freedom made great strides for human rights when the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. But we need to take it one step further, and gain support for a new DOMA (Defense of Meatheads Act), which you can be sure Planet Fitness will fight every step of the way.

Time to get your burn on bros.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

I Want To Look Like That Guy is a documentary film written by, directed by, and starring “Renaissance Man" Stuart MacDonald. The entire film was just uploaded to YouTube for our enjoyment.

Although this film was produced in 2009, it looks like it was made in 1999 and the I Want To Look Like That Guy website appears to have been made in ‘95 using Geocities or Angelfire or some shit. That being said, the film is still worth the watch (if only to kill time until the next Two Scoops post).

The film is targeted more towards your average gym goer who may be less adept in the art of swole, but there is still plenty of interesting material for a Two Scooper.

Perhaps most enlightening, was the amount of effort it takes to slim down to low single digit bodyfat. In order to maintain a year round beach body whilst still acquiring muscle, many of us swoldiers will hold around 9-10% bodyfat. The diet and exercise (read: cardio) involved in trimming down to a competition ready body is astounding, and Stuart does a fairly good job conveying this to the audience.

Granted, I will never do cardio because it makes you go catabolic and ruins your gains, so I just stick to hardcore diuretics to keep me looking ultra shredded all day. Anal seepage is a small price to pay to look like that guy.

Also, Jeff Willet is a beast - the best “natural" bodybuilder of all time:

- Tony “I Already Look Like That Guy" Muscoli

I have been prodded into addressing the myth of overtraining under the duress of numerous requests from whiny bitches.

Whiny bitch is overtraining.

What is Overtraining?

First, what is overtraining? Is it a word? Is it two words trying to disguise themselves as one? Is there even such a thing as overtraining, or is there only underrecovering?
…Under recovering?
…Under-recovering?
Which the fuck is it? We may never know.

I, personally, am physically incapable of overtraining because I take creatine. Ergo, overtraining does not exist, but nonetheless, people complain about it as if overtraining is a real thing.

It is fairly simple: as long as you eat enough (Russian Bear 5000 on the reg), get proper sleep (or supplement your sleep with heavy stimulants), and leave a muscle group enough time to recover (or lift through the DOMS like a man), you will not find yourself the victim of overtraining. Also, roids. Definitely roids.

Remember this:
Train hard. Eat big. Rest up. Get huge. End of story.

You can shorten it to “HARD, BIG, UP, and HUGE" if you like innuendo.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

"Kali is an expert on street workouts, because in prison, he had two choices: Lift, or Die. The hardest choice you ever had to make was Dom, or Tony, and you chose both."

When your roommates are also Two Scoopers, no supplement is safe.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Once my boner went away and I was able to think clearly, all I was able to gather from this commercial is that, Planet Fatness doesn’t allow hot girls at their gym “that isn’t a gym" and that you have to be average looking or uglier to join.

Not that you needed them, but now you have even more reasons to NEVER go to a Planet Fitness.

I’m hot and you will never see me at a Planet Fitness because it sucks.

Fuck Planet Fitness, and fuck those titties. That’s an order.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

I don’t know what is real and what isn’t in this video. Is it an energy drink? Is it a dank electro song? Is it a video game? Is it a dance move? Is it a party? Is it a club?

To be honest, I don’t really care what it is - I WANT IT.

This energyclubravegame commercial appeals to me in every way. It has 90’s video game graphics, an 8-bit soundtrack, caffeine, hot girls, hot girls butts, hot girls with nipple pasties, zombies doing the Thriller dance to rave music, rave music, hadoukens, weightlifting, karate, Japanese pop-culture references, fire breathing, cheerleaders, arcade games, energy drinks, mixed drinks, possibly cocaine… the list goes on.

I am really just sad that this isn’t an actual energy drink. After watching that commercial I don’t even care what is in it, all I know is that drinking it will make me cooler and stronger.

I want it.

-Tony “Unaffected By Marketing" Muscoli

“Hello small peoples of internets. My name Kyriakos Grizzly, Son of Ares Grizzly.

In English, father name mean “War Bear."

In English, my name mean “Lord Bear."

I come from long family of bears. I am massive strong and will crush your children like they were харизматический. Hacha! You small internet peoples no match for might of Kyriakos Grizzly. Watch me be massif:”

If all you small people had no idea what the fuck was going on in that video, you just watched a man I believe to be named Kyriakos Grizzly do what he calls “Pull Barbell and Sguat the Bench" for 210kg.

Now, I don’t know what a "Sguat" is, or how much 210kgs is, but sitting with 493lbs on your lap can not be comfortable. Also, that guy should check his diet because I think you may have just watched 8 reps of the World’s Heaviest Fart.

Kyriakos has an entire YouTube channel dedicated to his unorthodox displays of brute strength.

Take this video for example, where Kyriakos performs the “Extent Bench Press," which is essentially him throwing a 330lb barbell off of his stomach like it was a goddamn exercise ball.

Kyriakos Grizzly may very well be a living avatar of Man Bear Pig.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli