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Gym Etiquette: An Editorial

Pay attention pussies,

My esteemed colleague T-bone, who should only be addressed as “Mr.Muscoli” from this point forward, has been kind enough to post this scathing editorial – which I write as a public service to the greater good.

It’s been a decade since Tony and I were shooting nitric oxide and grunting out buddy curls in our high school gym. Since then, I have watched a new breed of young-blooded, dry-fitted, sweat-banded, soft-palmed MUFFS gradually spread – like a plague – across our fine nation’s gymnasiums.

Just about anybody who played high school soccer thinks he’s a physical trainer these days. I suspect it is precisely this influx of thin-dicked posers that is responsible for the recent abandonment of our traditional principles governing weight-lifting etiquette and conduct.

If you should fall into this category of fruit cups, I recommend you memorize the following 6 tips to shredding like a gentleman. Each has been thoughtfully crafted to help you to avoid getting beaten up by someone like me.

(1) “Do not put clamps on the bar.”
The easiest way to spot one of you clamp clowns is when you put clamps on your bar for sets of Barbell Bench Press. If you can’t lift at the weight level, go back to Dumbbell Benching in the women’s stretching area.

Not to mention the fact that it simply is not responsible lifting. If you max out with a shitty spotter, how are you going to be able to shed the weight with it clamped on like that? Do us all a favor and drop that clamped weight directly onto your ugly face.

(2) “If you are going to wear pants, you must wear sleeves.”
If you are one of those people who like to wear sweatpants with a halter top to public gyms, you aren’t fooling anyone – you’ve turned your back on your lower-body, and therefore, on your dick.

(3) “Fuck your towel.”
If you leave your shitty, sweaty towel on a machine as some sort of trailer-park placeholder, whilst simultaneously dicking around on the other side of the gym, you will deserve it when Tony lights said towel ablaze, and chokes your life away with it.

(4) “No Decline Bench.”
Unless you are putting up three plates, everyone in the gym is laughing at you; just stop it.

Because there are no pictures of Arnold doing Decline Bench anywhere on the internet…

(5) “If you must refill your Fiji bottle at the gym’s water fountain, step aside.”
Don’t make normal people using the water fountain for its intended function and capacity wait behind you while you fill your Nalgene. Step aside for one clit-licking second, the water fountain is not your personal appliance.

(6) “Stencils out on the racks, stencils in on your backs”
This rule applies to squatting, as well as benching and all barbell lifts.

Section 6.1: A gentleman, in the course of shredding his legs, chest, or back, will turn the stenciled side of his plates inward whilst lifting.
Section 6.2: Said plates should be rotated once more – to display the stencils outward – upon returning them to the racks.
Section 6.3: It was a once unwritten rule of the gym as specified by the Historical American Gymnasium Doctrine that is consistently ignored by ignorant and scrawny people. Now it hath been written.

Most Massively,
B. Pipes

A note from the editor:
This letter was kindly written by one of Two Scoops’ dedicated readers. I made minor changes to the language, added a sweet picture of Arnold, and I have posted it here as an editorial piece. I appreciate all your submissions (even though I am crazy lazy and it takes months to post shit sometimes), so keep them coming.

Yours Hugely,
Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:
Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you for a few months now,…(blah blah blah)… I was lifting today and saw things that really piss me off. You have spent time in gyms where some guys think that their shit doesn’t stink, these guys, in my opinion are the guys who…

1. Run backwards on the treadmills

2. ”Air Box” in the mirror

3. Use the bungie cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungie, so they want to use one with their 135 reps

4. And last but not least, the guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar

Now Tony, I have been lifting for a few years, I considered myself knowledgable of lifts and benefits that certain workouts give you. If I am missing the bus and these workouts are so beneficial then sign me up but, I feel these are the guys that work out to just be seen at the gym. Let me know what you think, and if you got any others.

Thanks Tony, keep up the good work.

-Hambone

Alright Hambone, I am glad you came to me with your questions. You brought up some great points and I am going to hit each one right in the face:

1) Running backwards on the treadmill. A more important question might be, what the fuck are you doing running on the treadmill in the first place? If you need to sweat, and you got a bad knee or something (like myself), act like you have been there and get on the stationary bike like an experienced meathead. Ellipticals and running backwards are for fuck-ups and fruitcakes.

2) “Air Boxing” in the mirror. It is called “Shadow Boxing”, and I don’t mind it when done in moderation. Some guys lift to be huge, some guys lift to look huge, and some guys lift to be strong so they can win bar fights. So if you want to be some kind of MMA superstar and shadow box all over the place; power to you - just don’t do it in my fucking gym. If you want to shadow box, do it in a proper gym. If you want to shadow box, commit to being a boxer, and join a gym with speed bags, jump ropes, heavy bags, a ring, sparing equipment, guys who hold the pads for you, and mirrors for shadow boxing. Don’t join my gym and punch figments of your imagination while taking up all my mirror space when I am trying to get my flex on.

3) Using the bungee cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungee, so they want to use one with their 135 reps.
To be honest I’ve never really understood the bungee-cord bench. I guess it is suppose to help with the top half of the benching motion. So if you find the 2nd half of the motion easy, you might try adding a resistance band? Personally, I think that just means you can add more weight, which in turn makes you look cooler, which in turn gets you chicks. Some people swear by the resistance band, say it helps them “overcome plateaus” and “accelerate their gains.” I’m kind of indifferent.

I will take Hambone’s side on this one too; if you are doing it just cause you saw some big guy do it, perhaps you should reflect on your life. Assess your life choices, are you just trying to emulate people who are more accomplished in hopes that their path to success will be as yours? That is a foolish way to lift through life. Be your own man, make your own decisions, don’t be a fucking bungee cord wannabee or i’ll snap that fucker right down onto your forehead.

4) The guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar.
I’ve agreed with all of our reader’s peeves up to this one, but this is where I have to get off the Hambone Express. Doing insane ab work outs to make a spectacle of yourself is EXACTLY the type of behavior that Two Scoops promotes. When you are in the gym, you want people to know that you are the most important person in there. I personally prefer such barbell rattling moves as the “Jump Squat” or the “Hang Clean (w/ theatrical foot stomp)”. Or if I am on the pull up bar I am a huge fan of the “Clap Pull-Up” or the “Muscle Up”, both of those moves really turn heads. However, there is a difference between spectacle and theatrical, and theater kids are losers. So be careful not to get theatrical, or risk ending up looking like this guy:

The guy in this video has the right idea, but he is trying a little bit too hard. If you are going to show off, make sure you don’t look like you are trying to show off. Be a pro. This guy looks like he just learned how to do this and couldn’t wait to post this video on YouTube. The guy in this video below however…

That is how you show off. Dude makes it look easy. Takes that pull up bar and makes it his bitch.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli