Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Reader Email:

Tony,

I have a beautiful body, I have perfected the size and shape of every muscle in my body…..except for one - the Front Calf. I dont consider myself an amateur fitness junky, but the sheer tininess of my front calf is utterly humiliating. I finally admit defeat, I come to you for advice on how to finish the perfect sculpture that is my body.

Your humble student,

- Samantha “The Sweet” Botticelli

Ah yes but of course, but of course… the elusive Front Calf. Some might say there is no such thing as a Front Calf, that Samantha here must be high or something, but they would be wrong - it DOES exist. The Front Calf, or tibialis anterior (as it is known in more scientific communities), is a hard to reach muscle, but the results can be phenomenal.

Samantha, dudes love a nice pair of legs, and a nice pair of legs isn’t well rounded without firm Front Calves. The best way to work them, i’ve found, is to do Reverse Calf Raises. You hang from a ceiling rafter by your toes. Have somebody stand on the inverted soles of your feet for safety. Then, slowly lift yourself up and down by your toes, really focus on the Front Calf. Here is a nice example of Franco Columbo doing a Reverse Calf Raise:

Also, this machine works:

Guys, the Front Calf is important for you too.

Think about it, when you are walking down the boardwalk toward some smokin’ hot babe, what do you do? You start flexing the pipes, throw up the front double biceps maybe? You try to impress her with gun show, but you notice she isn’t responding, what do you do now big shot?

You take off your shirt, naturally. But what if your chest and abs fail to impress her? She is still walking at you, rolling her eyes, your window of opportunity is closing, and fast. Fuck fuck fuck, WHAT DO YOU DO!?

Time to pull out all the stops. Time to break away the breakaways. Time to pull off your pants. You’ve tried everything else, this is your last opportunity to impress her. Maybe she is a legs girl. She finds a set of washboard abs too generic and the only thing that really gets her going is a bulging quad muscle and a tight, sexy pair of Front Calves.

Bingo. Nailed it. You are chillin’ in your briefs, your Front Calves are out for all to see and that smokin’ hot babe? Soaked. Nice job man, well played.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:
Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you for a few months now,…(blah blah blah)… I was lifting today and saw things that really piss me off. You have spent time in gyms where some guys think that their shit doesn’t stink, these guys, in my opinion are the guys who…

1. Run backwards on the treadmills

2. ”Air Box” in the mirror

3. Use the bungie cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungie, so they want to use one with their 135 reps

4. And last but not least, the guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar

Now Tony, I have been lifting for a few years, I considered myself knowledgable of lifts and benefits that certain workouts give you. If I am missing the bus and these workouts are so beneficial then sign me up but, I feel these are the guys that work out to just be seen at the gym. Let me know what you think, and if you got any others.

Thanks Tony, keep up the good work.

-Hambone

Alright Hambone, I am glad you came to me with your questions. You brought up some great points and I am going to hit each one right in the face:

1) Running backwards on the treadmill. A more important question might be, what the fuck are you doing running on the treadmill in the first place? If you need to sweat, and you got a bad knee or something (like myself), act like you have been there and get on the stationary bike like an experienced meathead. Ellipticals and running backwards are for fuck-ups and fruitcakes.

2) “Air Boxing” in the mirror. It is called “Shadow Boxing”, and I don’t mind it when done in moderation. Some guys lift to be huge, some guys lift to look huge, and some guys lift to be strong so they can win bar fights. So if you want to be some kind of MMA superstar and shadow box all over the place; power to you - just don’t do it in my fucking gym. If you want to shadow box, do it in a proper gym. If you want to shadow box, commit to being a boxer, and join a gym with speed bags, jump ropes, heavy bags, a ring, sparing equipment, guys who hold the pads for you, and mirrors for shadow boxing. Don’t join my gym and punch figments of your imagination while taking up all my mirror space when I am trying to get my flex on.

3) Using the bungee cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungee, so they want to use one with their 135 reps.
To be honest I’ve never really understood the bungee-cord bench. I guess it is suppose to help with the top half of the benching motion. So if you find the 2nd half of the motion easy, you might try adding a resistance band? Personally, I think that just means you can add more weight, which in turn makes you look cooler, which in turn gets you chicks. Some people swear by the resistance band, say it helps them “overcome plateaus” and “accelerate their gains.” I’m kind of indifferent.

I will take Hambone’s side on this one too; if you are doing it just cause you saw some big guy do it, perhaps you should reflect on your life. Assess your life choices, are you just trying to emulate people who are more accomplished in hopes that their path to success will be as yours? That is a foolish way to lift through life. Be your own man, make your own decisions, don’t be a fucking bungee cord wannabee or i’ll snap that fucker right down onto your forehead.

4) The guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar.
I’ve agreed with all of our reader’s peeves up to this one, but this is where I have to get off the Hambone Express. Doing insane ab work outs to make a spectacle of yourself is EXACTLY the type of behavior that Two Scoops promotes. When you are in the gym, you want people to know that you are the most important person in there. I personally prefer such barbell rattling moves as the “Jump Squat” or the “Hang Clean (w/ theatrical foot stomp)”. Or if I am on the pull up bar I am a huge fan of the “Clap Pull-Up” or the “Muscle Up”, both of those moves really turn heads. However, there is a difference between spectacle and theatrical, and theater kids are losers. So be careful not to get theatrical, or risk ending up looking like this guy:

The guy in this video has the right idea, but he is trying a little bit too hard. If you are going to show off, make sure you don’t look like you are trying to show off. Be a pro. This guy looks like he just learned how to do this and couldn’t wait to post this video on YouTube. The guy in this video below however…

That is how you show off. Dude makes it look easy. Takes that pull up bar and makes it his bitch.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:
Tony,

What do you think of the awesome Asian dude who does this stuff? There’s also a video of him deadlifting drunk. How many points on the scale of awesomeness does he get from you ?

- Tuplad

Right off the bat, I am thinking this guy is some hipster Planet Fitness douche, trying to make a mockery of weight lifters. But apparently there is also a video of him deadlifting drunk, which I had to see before I could write this dude off completely.

Frank Yang is GETTING AFTER IT! “Frank the Tank! Frank the Tank!” I’ll be the first to admit, I am impressed. I’m still thinking Asian-hipster with that hair cut, but the dude puts up some decent weight while slugging back some Johnnie Walker (respek). Plus, this guy can’t weigh more than 150lbs. I found some videos of him squatting 400+lbs, and another of him benching twice his body weight. His website boasts a max deadlift is 500lbs. I don’t care how goofy your hair cut is, I am on this guys team after that. And now that I think about it, deadlifting naked would be fucking great. The whole point of lifting is to check out your sweet pump in the mirror while you do it, so you might as well check out your chub while you’re at it.

So to answer your question Tuplad, on The Scale of Awesomeness - 1 being Planet Fitness, 10 being Arnold Schwarzenegger (pre-lovechild) - I give Frank a healthy 7. That is a pretty high fucking score, and I’d like to give him more but I just can’t give anybody who weighs less than 165lbs more than a 7. I’m sorry I just can’t. Rules are rules.

-Tony Muscoli

Reader Email:

Subject: Listen up

That Dom video changes lives, bro. You’ll never be that good.

I’ve been going double sesh since i first watched it. i’m maxing close to quad plates now on the bench — each side bro. your probably not even a double timer, you nail 2hundy yet, pussy? once you get cred like dom then maybe you’ll be worth the paper you wipe ya ass with.

you got nothin

-Igor
([email protected] Although this was through a submission so it’s probably not a real email address)

Fuck yeah! First Kali Muscle tweets at me, then I get some hater mail - you know you are doing something right when you get haters. For those of you who don’t know what Igor is talking about, he is talking about the post: Dom Mazzetti vs. Two Scoops and the video that was in it:

Hey Igor,

First, off the top of your head, what is the poundage of four 45lb plates on each side of an olympic bar? Huh? Speak up. Ok, times up. The answer is 405lbs, and because there is no way you can bench that, you are a liar unless the “quad plates” you are talking about are 10lb plates, and that only counts if you are a chick.

Second, have I “nailed 2hundy yet?” Do you really talk like that? Where I am from, nobody “nails 2hundy” unless we are talking about fat bitches. I’ll rep a real number like 205 in my warmup sets, but “2hundy” implies 2.5lb weights, which I usually just crush up and add to my cornflakes in the morning to get some extra iron in my diet.

Third, I wipe my ass with $1,000,000 bills.

Lastly, what prompted this? Other than point out the fact that Dom stole used some of my jokes, I pretty much kissed the guys ass the rest of the post. So learn to read, then come back here and write some intelligent criticism instead of the diarrhea email you sent me. Please feel free to respond in the comments… pussy.

Cordially,

-Tony Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hi Tony,

A friend linked me to one of your posts the other day, and I ended up reading through virtually every post on your blog. There’s so much passion in your writing it makes it more than a pleasure to read.

Anyway, just wanted to commend you on your writing style and site in general. It’s incredible. Keep it up.

Greg.

Is this real? Are you fucking with me Greg? This is awesome! Like I needed more of an ego boost. I already know that I am huge (and therefore awesome), you don’t go around telling me that my “writing style” is “commendable.” That just makes me massive, good looking, funny, AND smart. With that kind of quadfecta I have to be careful - I can’t let it go straight to my head. Between the ego boost and the steroids, my head will have a tough time not ending up like Barry Bonds’:

For the record, because I don’t believe it either, this was REAL fan mail. How wild is that?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Good morning Tony.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQHrAjb1tzk

-The Diplomat from CosbySweaters.com

A truly riveting email, and then I watched the video:

Aaaaaaaah fuck. When was the last time you squatted over 200% of your body weight? Because I honestly don’t think I ever have. It is videos like this that make me feel like a royal piece of shit.

Sidenote: Parents of this girl, are you sure you want her to be a lesbian this early in life? Let me guess, when you don’t have her at powerlifting comps you are driving her to softball practice? Don’t give up on your little girl yet. Put her in little pink tutu’s and let her play with barbie dolls and shit until you know for a fact that she is full blown lesbo. This is bad parenting.

Girls shouldn’t be in the weight room. Nothing drops my testosterone faster than a girl out-squatting me at the gym. I see that and I hit the showers and try again tomorrow. Just no point in staying to humiliate yourself at that point.

I take little solace in the fact that I can squat more than this 9 year old girl. I need to beef up. Looks like today just turned into a legs day.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Ok, I’ll allow this girl in the weight room to squat on me.

Below is a picture of Tom Platz. Tom Platz had LEGENDARY FUCKING LEGS. So he can wear pants all he damn well wants. Like in the picture below, where Tom uses the squat rack for squats (of all things).

Reader Email:

Hey Tony,

I go to Gold’s Gym in Somerville, MA. Sadly, it has only two squat racks. And when I walked in there yesterday, BOTH of them were taken up by guys in sweatpants, doing curls. What is this sweatpant bodybuilder bullshit? That is fucking horseshit and I WILL NOT stand for it. Please take my side on this.

Thanks,
James G. Guttershot

Dear James,
I appreciate you bringing this to my attention because it needs to be brought to EVERYBODY’S attention. I don’t mind sweatpants. You wear them because sometimes, on a Legs day, you have to keep your trunks toasty if you wanna hit your 1 rep max.

HOWEVER, if you are wearing sweatpants cause you only lift upper body and you think you can hide your little chicken legs - kill yourself. Braid the legs of your sweatpants into a noose, and hang yourself from the squat rack you don’t know how to use. Put the fucking barbell down and go do curls at home with Tony Horton or some shit. Leave the big gym equipment, like squat racks, to the real men (like James G. Guttershot).

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli