Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Check out this stiff, proclaiming that people shouldn’t feel “forced to go to the gym because of today’s idea of what’s a good body."

Listen Swift, being shredded isn’t “today’s idea of what’s a good body," it is nature’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded is evolution’s idea of a good body, it is God’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded IS a good body.

Today’s idea of what is a good body didn’t come about because Arnold made bodybuilding mainstream in the 1970’s. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about because Brad Pitt had abs in Fight Club. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about from supplement company marketing cmapaigns. Today’s idea of a good body comes from our primal instinct to be the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.

Evidence That Humans Should Be Shredded by Nature

Do you think Tarzan would have been happy being a fat ass, rolling around on the jungle floor getting eaten by fire ants and snakes and shit? No, he was happy being a shredded monkey cunt swinging from the trees and impregnating Jane to make the manchild Korak.

Today’s idea of good body? Edgar Burroughs wrote Tarzan of the Apes in 1912.

Do you think Michelangelo would have been happy if he had carved David into a fatass?

No. The Statue of David is statuesque because David is cut up:

Today’s idea of a good body? The Statue of David was carved in 1504.

Do you think Greek Gods were ever thought to be out of shape?
Do you think Zues was ever portrayed as a pear shaped amoeba? No.
Do you think Ares, God of War, was a scrawny little Joffrey fucker? No.
Check out this statue of Herakles, son of Zues:

Herakles took his two scoops for sure.

Today’s idea of a good body? Lysippos created the original version of the statue in the 4th Century B.C.E.

Do you think ancient Egyptians idealized un-shredded deities? No.
Check out the V-taper on the Hawk-Man-God:

Today’s idea of a good body? Ancient Egyptian craftsmen first began to create wall paintings and use hieroglyphic symbols around 3500 B.C.E.

Forced to Go to The Gym

We don’t feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because of societal pressures to look fit. We should feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because, as a species, we were are designed to spend our days outside hunting and gathering shit. Instead, we spend our days staring at a computer, blogging about how we shouldn’t be spending our days staring at a computer.

So that feeling of being “forced" to go work out, is your lazy ass trying desperately to hang on to the tiny shred of primal instinct it has left.

Happy with Life = Being Shredded

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

(Source: shreddingdonna)

You know what is hotter than a hot Asian girl? A hot Asian girl with boobs, and for some odd reason, Canada seems to have all of them.

Try it, Google “Asian fitness model." Every single hot Asian female fitness model/figure competitor is from fucking Canada. I thought only white people and polar bears lived in Canada. Is America doing something wrong? I mean, we have Tila Tequila, but I can’t really be sure she is even human.

Don’t believe me?

Karen Pang

Fitness Competitor from Vancouver, BC.

Height: 5’ 2"
Weight: 107 lbs
Bust: 34"
Waist: 23"
Hips: 35"
Cup: C

Belinda Kim

Fitness Competitor from Toronto, Ontario (born in Edmonton, Alberta).

Cup: C

Enjoy the overly dramatic music of Belinda’s promo video:

Valerie Ross

Fitness Competitor from Edmonton, Alberta (born in Singapore).

Height: 5’ 4"
Weight: 124 lbs
Bust: 34"
Waist: 25"
Hips: 34"
Cup: D

God damn it Canada. Stop being so selfish. SHARE.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

I remember that bra from somewhere…

Girl, the back of yo head is RIDICULOUS!

We posted about these girls last week (World Class Iceland Babes), but I still have no idea what is going on.

The title of this video is Pósunámskeið, and I haven’t a clue what that translates to in English. I can’t read anything on the Iceland Fitness website because it is all in, ironically enough, Icelandic. I don’t know what these videos are advertising and I really don’t care. Whatever it is, I’ll buy it.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Gym Etiquette: An Editorial

Pay attention pussies,

My esteemed colleague T-bone, who should only be addressed as “Mr.Muscoli” from this point forward, has been kind enough to post this scathing editorial – which I write as a public service to the greater good.

It’s been a decade since Tony and I were shooting nitric oxide and grunting out buddy curls in our high school gym. Since then, I have watched a new breed of young-blooded, dry-fitted, sweat-banded, soft-palmed MUFFS gradually spread – like a plague – across our fine nation’s gymnasiums.

Just about anybody who played high school soccer thinks he’s a physical trainer these days. I suspect it is precisely this influx of thin-dicked posers that is responsible for the recent abandonment of our traditional principles governing weight-lifting etiquette and conduct.

If you should fall into this category of fruit cups, I recommend you memorize the following 6 tips to shredding like a gentleman. Each has been thoughtfully crafted to help you to avoid getting beaten up by someone like me.

(1) “Do not put clamps on the bar.”
The easiest way to spot one of you clamp clowns is when you put clamps on your bar for sets of Barbell Bench Press. If you can’t lift at the weight level, go back to Dumbbell Benching in the women’s stretching area.

Not to mention the fact that it simply is not responsible lifting. If you max out with a shitty spotter, how are you going to be able to shed the weight with it clamped on like that? Do us all a favor and drop that clamped weight directly onto your ugly face.

(2) “If you are going to wear pants, you must wear sleeves.”
If you are one of those people who like to wear sweatpants with a halter top to public gyms, you aren’t fooling anyone – you’ve turned your back on your lower-body, and therefore, on your dick.

(3) “Fuck your towel.”
If you leave your shitty, sweaty towel on a machine as some sort of trailer-park placeholder, whilst simultaneously dicking around on the other side of the gym, you will deserve it when Tony lights said towel ablaze, and chokes your life away with it.

(4) “No Decline Bench.”
Unless you are putting up three plates, everyone in the gym is laughing at you; just stop it.

Because there are no pictures of Arnold doing Decline Bench anywhere on the internet…

(5) “If you must refill your Fiji bottle at the gym’s water fountain, step aside.”
Don’t make normal people using the water fountain for its intended function and capacity wait behind you while you fill your Nalgene. Step aside for one clit-licking second, the water fountain is not your personal appliance.

(6) “Stencils out on the racks, stencils in on your backs”
This rule applies to squatting, as well as benching and all barbell lifts.

Section 6.1: A gentleman, in the course of shredding his legs, chest, or back, will turn the stenciled side of his plates inward whilst lifting.
Section 6.2: Said plates should be rotated once more – to display the stencils outward – upon returning them to the racks.
Section 6.3: It was a once unwritten rule of the gym as specified by the Historical American Gymnasium Doctrine that is consistently ignored by ignorant and scrawny people. Now it hath been written.

Most Massively,
B. Pipes

A note from the editor:
This letter was kindly written by one of Two Scoops’ dedicated readers. I made minor changes to the language, added a sweet picture of Arnold, and I have posted it here as an editorial piece. I appreciate all your submissions (even though I am crazy lazy and it takes months to post shit sometimes), so keep them coming.

Yours Hugely,
Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

This is a TERRIBLE idea. I can’t stress this enough. I am all for inventing or improvising new exercises at the gym in order to get people to notice how strong and athletic you are, the Clap Pull-up and Decline Air-Fuck Sit Up are good examples of this, but this Reverse Deadlift looks to be about the stupidest fucking thing I can imagine. Actually, I lied, I could never have imagined something this stupid. Don’t get me wrong, on paper I am legally a Stupid, but it takes a special kind of retard to think up, and then perform, the Reverse Deadlift.

Just watching this video, I simultaneously dislocated my shoulder, tore my labrum, blew out my hip flexor, strained an abdominal muscle, and tore my ACL, MCL, PCL, and every other CL, in both my knees… then I pissed myself.

This skinny asshole doesn’t even look cool doing this exercise. This guy should immediately remove the Reverse Deadlift from his routine, and if he can go back in time and NOT do this exercise, he should do that.

I might have just saved his life.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

“‘SUP DUDES. I AM HERE TODAY, IN THIS COMPLETELY VACANT GYM, TO SHOUT AT YOU. NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO!

OK, FIRST WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW HAIRLESS MY BODY IS, YOU’LL NOTICE THAT THE COMBINATION OF MY LACK OF BODY HAIR, WITH MY LACK OF TAN, CREATES A NEAR PERFECT ILLUSION OF PREPUBESCENCE…"

"Rarrrr… I’m a monster!”

Sorry Two Scoopers, that is more CAPS LOCK than I ever wanted to include in a single post, but I couldn’t effectively mock that guy’s tone of voice without it. To give this Scott Herman guy credit, he does do a nice job explaining each exercise and its proper form.

He also does a nice job explaining that WE WILL NOT BEING CATCHING MONSTERS. Damn shame too, because I had been Googling “Monster Traps" trying to figure out how to capture the Jabberwocky that lives in my basement. Guess I’ll never find how to build a good monster trap. Thanks for nothing Steve Herman.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hey Tony. Is this The World’s Gayest Workout Video?

-Colin

Is it gay? Yes. Is it funny? I guess. It seemed more like The World’s Laziest Workout Video with a flair for the flamboyant. You know what the world’s gayest workout video is? You should. I already posted it on this site:

How to get big calves:

Gay enough for you? No? How about this clip from Tosh.0?

No! STOP! This is a bad road to go down. Trying to keep this blog on the straight and narrow, whilst showing lots of pics of bodybuilders, is tough enough as is. The last thing I need to do is prove to The Gawker that I know gayer workout videos than they do. I am going to have to follow this up with posts of hot chicks working out to keep my street cred.

Let’s try to save this sinking ship by ending with The Straightest Workout Video Ever Made:

This post was a terrible idea.
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli