Two Scoops. Get Huge.

"If You’ve Ever Stepped On An Elliptical, This Is Not For You."

I was reading an article on How Bicep Curls Cure Cancer when I saw the above banner advertisement on the side bar.

This is Manly Advertising

This ad is fucking golden; Grade A, feel-bad-about-being-a-sack-of-shit-and-do-something-manly—-also-boobs, advertising.

I dig this shit. It sends the message: fuck cardio, fuck machines, straight power lifts all day and you will get big-titty bitches smiling at you all day.

This is a stationary ad too, meaning it doesn’t rotate in based on my internet history. I know this because I saw it even after I cleared my Google history of porn, supplement shopping pages, and how-to guides for cutting sleeves to a microscopic strap level. So that means that the judgmental jabronies serving this ad are calling out EVERYONE and seeing who’s up for the challenge.

Obviously I had to click on the ad, and I was supremely disappointed by the actual product. It turns out the advertisement is for some bullshit, weightloss diet plan… so there’s that, but the point is: it got me to click.

And that’s how you advertise: Big boobs and bullying. Take Heather for example, I don’t think she is actually selling anything, but I want to buy it:

Just don’t get distracted by the right boob being higher than her left.

-Joey “Juice" Vigaroni

PS. Where do I need to go to work out next to chicks in there panties?
Get me there yesterday.

If you can get past the fact that these guys are trying so hard to be funny, but aren’t. And if you can get past the fact that the music selection is not so much terrible, as it is terribly confusing. And if you can get past the fact that the ridiculous, exaggerated, and sarcastic flexing is actually none of those things. Then you can see that this is actually a cool concept.

After finishing a 12 week program, spending a day with some fellow meatheads jumping over fire and dead lifting boulders and shit would be a badass way to get some active rest. Two Scoops has made some modifications to the Man Fit workout to create a REAL manly workout.

Two Scoops’ Manliest Workout Program of All Time:

Morning cardio would be a warm-up swim in a near-freezing lake to put hair on your chest.

Breakfast would consist of funneling 20 uncooked egg whites through a gunpowder horn with a hole cut in the bottom.

Morning lift would include
10x12 Flaming Tree-Trunk Squat Presses.
3x10 Front Squats using a bamboo pole, fitted with a steel buckets filled with lead buckshot.
5x5 Lawnmowers. Although, instead of a standard dumbbell row, you actually pull a lawnmower cable. But this is not your normal, hand-push, suburban 1/4 acre backyard pussy shit lawnmower, I’m talking a full fucking John Deere tractor, the engine of which has been retrofitted for pull starts.

Lunch would consist of 2-3lbs Polar Bear Meat Tartar (global warming has made Polar Bear meat extra tender) and a coconut that has to be cracked open on your forehead and harvested with your fingernails.

Pre-Workout Shake: Start with a half gallon of alligator blood and blend in a potato sack full of whole coffee beans, 2-3 handfuls of raw peanuts, a shot of bull semen, and cocaine.

Afternoon lift would be chest and shoulders. Bench pressing park benches full of bikini models, Chainsaw Lateral Raises, and Rabid Wolverine Cable Flyes - where if you let the weight down for too long, the wolverines will fucking attack you.

Post Workout Shake: Chug a gallon of unpasteurized cow milk.

Then everybody takes a nap on a bed of nails before the evening’s activity: shirtless tug of war (just homoerotic enough to fun).

If somebody makes this “Man Fit" gym, I’ll fucking join.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Thanks to uRtiny for the video.