Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This has nothing to do with bodybuilding, protein, fitness, or being a meathead.

You are welcome.

-Tony “Two Huge Tracks of Land” Muscoli

Fixed that for you.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

(Source: weightedlongenough)

Fact. Here are some prime locations for those of you who are new at this.

Top 5 Places to Run Past Girls with Your Shirt Off

1. Beach
   Everybody already has their shirt off, which dilutes your half-nakedness, but on the upside there are a lot of half-naked women as well. Plus, nobody RUNS along the beach in the middle of the day, so you will still stick out. BE THAT GUY.
   
   
2. Next to bodies of water (other than the ocean)
   Assuming it is accommodating terrain, go for a jog along a river, lakeshore, or around a pond. Bitches love running in pretty places. Water is pretty. Therefore, bitches.
   
   
3. College Campuses
   This is pretty self explanatory. All those coeds out on the quad in their sundresses and tank tops and shit? …too easy. When you run through a college campus with your shirt off, all the dudes are wondering, “who is this asshole.” Meanwhile, and this is the important part, all the girls are checking you out, and if you are lucky enough to talk to one of these broads, the conversation goes something like this:
   

   “Oh so wait, you don’t go to school here?
   (read: so you won’t gossip about me if we bang)
   And you are huge and ripped?
   And you have a job and a car?!
   Want to see my dorm room?”

4. Parks
   Girls like to run around scenery, so if they aren’t next to water, they will do the next best thing: parks.
   
   
5. Treadmill
   This one is risky because, apparently, working out inside the gym with your shirt off is frowned upon. However, if the need arises to run next to, or across from, a smokin’ hot babe, then you got to do what you got to do. It won’t not get you noticed, that’s for sure.

Hey, can I interest you in a less-than-subtle head turn as I burn past you?
Actually on second thought, I’ll just let you stay up front and set the pace.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Planet Fitness is at it again, and this has to be my favorite commercial so far. The girl is hot. The guy is hilarious. That shirt is fucking incredible. And the line, “Hey did somebody lose a washboard?” is golden.

“Hey did somebody lose a washboard? Because I found one over here.
I’m just joking, it’s my abs.”

Planet Fitness may say, “don’t be this guy.” TwoScoops says, “be this guy.”

And can somebody please GET ME THAT SHIRT?! It would go great with my zebra pants.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Fellas, fellas fellas… I said it last year, and I’ll say it again: today is good day at the gym. Female attendance up 100% and the overall female average goes from a 5 to an 8. Just fantastic eye candy at the gym all round, and if you do not get your workout in then you have nobody to blame but yourself (for not reading this blog and knowing better).

“But Tony, why is the day after Valentine’s such a bountiful day for staring at girls’ asses in the gym?”

I am glad you asked. We here at TwoScoops are experts on pretty much everything, so listen up as I crush your brainspace real quick.

There are a select few occasions where women will consistently over-indulge their caloric intake: Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and after break-ups. Then the following day, like the day after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, women everywhere flock to the gym.

But the kicker with Valentine’s Day: hot, single girls are out in FORCE. On V-Day they all got together and watched a romantic comedy, chugged red wine, and stuffed face with pink cake, and chocolate bars, and those chalky candy hearts that read stupid shit like “UR MY GAL” and “DIVA.” Now that they are done being sad about how they don’t have boyfriends, they are fat with the guilt of not having a man date the night before. So the next day rolls around and it is time to hit the gym with a vengeance. God bless stretchy pants, sports bras, and tight tank tops.

I’m telling you, mark February 15th on your calenders for next year: “GO TO GYM,” you won’t hate me.

Also I Googled “hot girls working out” so you can go J-O now:

I should get a fucking fog machine for when I do curls. Make me look all old London, mysteriously bad ass like Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes.



For whatever reason my eyes are drawn to the big blank space on the wall?

Yes, whoever made this stupid motivational poster, there is a better motivation than boobs: Getting huge. All this poster makes me wanna do is kinda rub one out but give up cause her face is pretty iffy.

This is ridiculous! Clearly this chick has never actually lifted a weight (or eaten a fucking sandwich). Also, that is terrible dumbbell rack etiquette.

Your aren’t fooling me sweetheart, nobody is this happy reppin’ back squats.

What’s that babydoll? You want me to call you?… So we can “go for a jog” sometime? Yeah thanks, but no thanks, I don’t do cardio.

I am still trying to figure out the athletic significance of the spandex thong.

-Tony “Too Many Sexy Ladies” Muscoli