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Showing posts tagged Bodybuilding

How to Get Big: From Scrawny to Brawny - Part 1

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you guys for a little while and this site is by far one of my favorite in the entire internet. I’ve been working out regularly for almost 5 years and I’ve got next to nothing to show for it because I’m an ectomorph. I’ve tried low-rep, high-weight lifting; different supplements; everything. Nothing seems to work. Is there any advice you can give me?

- lachenauer

As a matter of fucking fact lachenauer, there is some advice I can give you. We don’t call this glorious website “Two Scoops Get Huge" for nothing.

First off, let me quickly diagram what an ectomorph is, for those readers who don’t know:
image

An ectomorph is your typical skinny guy. Ecto’s have a light build with small joints and lean muscle. Usually ectomorph’s have long thin limbs with stringy muscles. Shoulders tend to be thin with little width.

Typical traits of an ectomorph:

  • Thin, “delicate” frame and bone structure
  • Flat chest
  • Small shoulders
  • Lean muscle mass
  • Finds it hard to gain weight
  • Fast metabolism

Now that we have established that you are skinny, it’s time to get you HUGE.

No More Scrawny

What is the major difference in diet between fat people and skinny people? Big people and little people?

FOOD.

Simply put: bigger people eat more food. It makes sense doesn’t it? You need fuel to grow, so if you eat more food, you grow more. Just take a look at The Rock’s cheat meal from last month:

image

After over 100 days of eating clean, The Rock ate a cheat meal consisting of 12 pancakes, four “double-dough” pizzas, and 21 brownies.

Obviously, The Rock doesn’t eat from this diabetes-inducing menu every day, but it gives you an idea as to the shear volume he consumes.

What to Eat

You can’t just eat 21 brownies a day and expect to get huge. You might get a little flabby, but not HUGE. We are trying to pack on some muscle here, don’t waste your stomach space on empty calories. We want to eat what the body can use: protein, carbs, and fats (take a multi if you want “vitamins”).

Most specifically what you need is protein - lots, and lots, of protein. Approximately 1 Metric Dickton of protein a day. Here is your shopping list next time you go to the grocery store/GNC:

  1. Whey Protein Powder
  2. Casein Protein Powder
  3. Chicken
  4. Steak
  5. Tuna
  6. Whole Milk
  7. Eggs
  8. Greek Yogurt/Cottage Cheese (whichever you prefer)
  9. Carbs (rice, pasta, vegetables, etc.)
  10. Anabolic Steroids

.

When to Eat

Eat ALL THE TIME. As an Ectomorph, your metabolism is probably chewing through your caloric intake like a wood-chipper being fed kindling. You need to FEED THE BEAST. Here is a schedule for the day:

  • Upon Waking: drink a whey protein shake (two scoops in whole milk). You have been sleeping for 8 hours, your body is fasted, it is hungry… feed it.
  • All Day: You see that shopping list I made for you? Cook it. Grill up that steak, bake the chicken, hard-boil the eggs, open the cans of tuna, and cook your rice. Season to taste. Then put all those delicious calories into a garbage bag. Hire somebody like a personal trainer, or a call girl, or a midget to follow you around with the garbage bag full of food, and have them shove food into your mouth throughout the day.

    I pay this chick $50/hour to shovel calories into my face.

  • Nightime: This is important, you are about to fast for 8 hours while you sleep, so you need to fuel up. Every night when I come home from the gym, I (roughly) follow this grueling evening eating schedule:
  • 8:00pm: Whey Protein Shake - two scoops in whole milk, 60g protein.
  • 9:00pm: Dinner #1 - Meat, 8oz Steak and maybe a vegetable, 60g protein.
  • 10:00pm: Dinner #2 - Meat, 6oz Chicken Breast with rice, 50g protein.
  • 10:59pm: Get weeded up on the pot (having the munchies is almost essential to the next phase of consumption).
  • 11:00pm: Snacktime - 2lbs Greek Yogurt, 92g protein.
    (Warning: This step is not for beginners! Your stomach asshole will NOT thank you in the morning)
  • Right before bed: Casein Protein Shake - Casein is a slow digesting protein, so consuming this right before bed will help you avoid muscle catabolism (breakdown) whilst you rest.

.

Hopefully that gives you an idea for how much you need to be eating every day. Actor Chris Hemsworth is a naturally skinny guy, so when he was bulking up for his roll in Thor, he was eating upwards of 6,000 calories a day.

Before:

After:

Now that we have upped your calories, up the intensity in the gym. We’ll talk about that in:

How to Get Big: From Scrawny to Brawny - Part 2 (coming soon…)

 


Young Ronnie Coleman

image

Ah, remember the good ol’ days? Back in ‘94, when a carton of eggs was 90¢, gas cost only $1.00/gallon, Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by Tonya Harding, old men could deadlift 485 lbs, and Ronnie Coleman still had hair?

I love how even back before YouTube made it famous, “LIGHT WEIGHT!” was still Ronnie’s catch phrase. But what I love even more is Old Man Roy’s Shake-It-Off move. I might just start shouting that at the gym.

"Shake it off Roy! Shake it off Roooy!

I’ve already adopted the swimmer arm shake before big lifts, now all I need is a black man shouting “shake it off Tony!” before my big lifts to make it legit.

I miss young Ronnie. The dude looked good. He looks almost… plausible. Like, if I kept lifting for another 4 years - and was black - I could maybe, just maybe, look like that. Of course, this was before he shaved his head and turned into the 8x Mr. Olympia MONSTER we have come to know and love.

And looooong before he retired, and became the broad side of a barn:


Is it still human? We can’t be sure…


Man. Now in size Triple Wide!

Look at Ronnie in 10th Grade for Arnold’s sake! Barely more than a child and he already has arms that would make most grown men jealous.

It would have sucked lining up against Young Ronnie in Pop Warner. I would have probably just rolled over and played dead.

-Tony “Light Weight!” Muscoli

 
 


Whenever I Check Out My Pump In The Mirror

I’m like:

This little guy even looks like a young Ronnie Coleman! …or am I being racist?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
5 notes

Posted at 9:58am
Tagged Bodybuilding Swole Muscles

 


The Dangers of Training in Tandem

Check out these fucking meatheads! TWO SCOOPS! Getting swollen in tandem. Hardcore! But be careful Two Scoopers, don’t try this at your home gym without proper supervision, and without first reading this announcement:

A Public Service Announcement Regarding Training in Tandem:

Lifting in tandem with your training partner is flamboyant, and although it is not as blatantly homoerotic as solo spotting your buddy doing back squats, it’s still pretty very questionable.

An exception to this rule would be these two juggernauts performing Front Dumbbell Shoulder Raises in unison. This is because they are both massif and there is a cameraman nearby - so instead of looking like enormous tools, they look awesome.

Lesson learned? If you are going to do gay stuff at the gym, make sure you are being filmed so it isn’t weird for everybody else…


How to Get Big Calves

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 
2 notes

Posted at 12:39pm
Tagged Bodybuilding Training Shoulders Calves

 


Train ‘Til You Die

hardworkout:

Even if I knew that I would die tomorrow, I would train today.

That is fucking stupid. Would you really lift on your last day alive? Really? I’ll tell you what, I’m as “TRAIN ‘TIL YOU DIE” as anybody, but I’m not going to actually walk that walk - I’m not insane.

If I know I am dying tomorrow, I am going to spend my time reminiscing with my family and loved ones, being sure I tell them how much they have meant to me.

Then I’d take a clinical dose of NO-Xplode, head out with homies, get CRAZY FUCKED UP, and bang smokin’ hot babes.

-Tony Muscoli

 
218 notes

Posted at 9:30am
Reblogged (Post reblogged from strongblrslinger)
Tagged Training Bodybuilding Being Awesome

 


Poundstone Curls: The 350 Rep Bicep Apocalypse


"I am smiling because you are about to watch me do more curls in one set then you have done in your lifetime.”


Check out this guy curling in the squat rack! What an asshole! Anybody who knows anything about something knows The Two Scoops Rule of Curling in The Squat Rack:

Though shalt not curl in the squat rack, unless thoust is curling 135+ lbs.

They have little barbell bars in 10lb increments over by the dumbbells for weak people, so unless you reppin’ 135, stay out the cage bro.

So who does this guy think he is, stepping into the squat rack to curl a 40lb axle bar for 10 reps?… OK 15 reps… 20? 30 reps… Why isn’t he stopping? 40 reps sweet Jesus man slow down you are going to hurt yourself 50 REPS WTF?!?!

OK… the craziest workout I have ever seen in Muscle & Fitness was called the “Century Lift” where you did 100 reps of an exercise, this guy must be doing that right? I should cheer him on, “Light weight baby!” 97… 98… 99… 100. NICE WORK BRO!

You said your name was Derek Poundstone? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were still going… 130… 131… 132…

So you are one of the strongest men in the world you say? 167… 168… 169…

I take it your lack of response, and the fact that you just did 200 curls in a row, that you ARE one of the strongest men in the world? 201… 202… 203…

Should I come back later? 240… 241… 242…

You are a sick, sick asshole Poundstone, you know that? 288… 289… 290…

Do you feel the burn yet? 330… 331… 332…

Fuck you, Derek. 348… 349… 350.

Oh NOW you are done? Are you sure? Why not go for 400 reps, pussy. Thanks to you, some of us have been waiting in line for 10 minutes to use that cage you just monopolized. Was it really worth showing everyone in the world what a sick motherfucker you are? You make me want to go crawl into a hole and crasterbate for being so simultaneously turned on and humiliated from watching that video.

This has to be the most devastating thing you could possibly do to your arms. Complete and utter annihilation of the bicep. I’d be impressed if he could lift his shaker cup to his mouth after that set.

Poundstone Curls - Definition

pound·stōn kûrlz. Noun.

  1. The act of taking an authentic Hattori Hanzo Samurai Sword and making a 6 inch incision down the middle of the Biceps Brachii muscle, before pulling the pin on a live M67 Hand Grenade, placing the grenade inside the incision, and then waiting for it to detonate.
  2. The Bicep Apocalypse
  3. One set of 350 Barbell Bicep Curls

.

I have to try this. I’ll let you know how it goes.

-Tony “Too Many Curls” Muscoli

 


Calves The Size of a Small Child’s Head

This is Erik Fankhouser:

His calves are literally the size of a small child’s head.

 
111 notes

Posted at 3:55pm
Reblogged (Post reblogged from strongblrslinger)
Tagged Erik Fankhouser Bodybuilders Bodybuilding Calves Legs

 


Arnold’s Blueprint is Best 10 Minutes on the Internet

Arnold’s Blueprint: ESPN 30 for 30 Short

Grantland - This 10-minute movie focuses on the years before Arnold Schwarzenegger was the “Universe’s Perfect Specimen,” when the young Austrian seized upon an opportunity to use the sport of bodybuilding to catapult himself to international stardom.

This 10-minutes movie focuses on the awesomeness of The Arnold. As a dedicated meathead, I respect, admire, and envy the “do whatever it takes” attitude that Arnold brought with him everywhere. I would like to try and emulate that mindset, but Arnold was on another planet with this shit: In Pumping Iron, he describes ‘not attending his father’s funeral because it was too close to a competition.’

However, it is clear that the directors of Arnold’s Blueprint, The Two Escobars, wanted us to takeaway an important message from this film: Arnold had a motherfucking TANK equipped with DUMBBELLS.


"I have a Tank Gym. You are beneath me."

You can go to the most hardcore fucking underground gym in the world, but it will never be a tank. NEVER. Prove me wrong.

-Tony “Tank Gym” Muscoli

 


Lou Ferrigno & Flavio Baccianini

Lou Ferrigno
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 285lbs.

Flavio Baccianini
Height: 4’11”
Weight: 145lbs.


It is funny because he is so small.


This looks like a scene from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory… except less gay.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

 


Pain and Gain: New Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson Bodybuilding Movie

Ain’t It Cool News - Pair Mark Wahlberg and The Rock up as a couple of idiot bodybuilders in Miami who get caught up in extortion and kidnapping that goes all bad, and what do you get? What is most likely Michael Bay’s cheapest film to date.

Holy. Fucking. Boner. I’ve never waited in a line to see a movie premier ever. I just don’t care enough. I’ll wait a week or two until the crowds die down and go and see it when I don’t have to waste my time sharing my armrests with movie buffs and comic book nerds. But, on April 26th, 2013, Tony Muscoli will be first-in-fucking-line at AMC to see this movie.

This explains all those awesome pictures we’ve seen recently of Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson hitting the gym together!

.

Haters are gonna hate on this movie, Two Scoopers are beat up the haters, watch the movie, and then buy the Limited Edition Extended Version DVD Box Set of Pain & Gain - twice.

Is 7 months prior too early to reserve my tickets on Fandango?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to Walter K. for the tip.