In an attempt to stay informed/find new material/have pictures of chicks show up on my computer screen, I follow a number of blogs regarding women’s fitness. It can be real hit or miss. The line between a gorgeous body and a gross body is blurred in ways I hadn’t previously thought possible. Check out this chick for example:
You can dig that right? But then I’ll get sent pictures like the one below with a caption like, “nice abs!” And I’m sitting there thinking, “whaddafuckahyatalkginabow?” Nothing is attractive about a women with ab veins. NOTHING. As is, this girl’s face is in need of assistance. Like, she is on her way to being an acceptable member of my B list if she could get a body to match, but I could just never look up too see a set of abs like that and not choke on my own vomit.
So I think I’ll try and post one of these every once in a while and let you decide, are these fitness chicks sexy or scary? Do you make her turn around, or do you turn and run? Do you feed her fresh fruit off the vine, or do you check for an Adam’s apple? Does she give you head, or does she give you a spot? Hammer her, or Hammer Curls? Deep throat, or deep squats? Bent over a table, or bent-over rows?
Where are you guys? I can’t see anything my eyes are bleeding so badly. I am so confused I don’t know what to do with myself. Like, should I have a boner? Her body says “Yes,” but her face says “I’m a gargoyle.” Should I be horny or horrified? Should I take a shower? What would happen if that chick cornered you at a party and said, “we are going to fuck now.” Can you even say no? I don’t think you can. I think she just has her way with you and there is nothing you can do about it. She is like a real life Xenia Onatopp, except for the part where her face looks kinda like a dude’s. And when you are banging, she is most definitely behind on top of you and you can probably smell the testosterone overpowering her Old Spice. I feel like I just found out that Einhorn is a man.
So this is a picture from a fitness EXPO in Vegas or some shit, and the question I have to ask is, what percentage of those boobs is human? 60%? Probably way less right? I’d say, “just enough to make the other girls in the picture not matter at all.” I literally stared at this picture for at least 2 minutes before I even noticed they were there, and I read left to right so that is saying a lot.
Just had this puppy installed this morning. That is some Two Scoops innovation for you, twoscoopsovation - one word. Now I can start every day with 215lbs to failure. I’ll be lookin’ swoll all day.
If you are taking two scoops, you NEED this Bench Press Bed. Just think, after a night of clubbing, you wake up with some skank-a-potomuss getting her mascara all over your sheets. She rolls over and says “whats for breakfast?” Now you can reply with, “what’s your max bench?”
Yes, jacked chicks are gross. But I can’t hate on Drama here. In my life, I’ve met all my girlfriends at “The Vitamin Expo,” and I always offer to make them a protein shake in the morning - like a true gentleman. I am just kind of mad that I don’t have the machismo to offer morning-after creatine shakes. Bitches need some high-quality Branched-Chain Amino Acid’s after a long, wild night of headboard-banging, ass-slapping, heart-pounding whiskey dick.
And for the record, I am talking about a chick in a sports bra; the fact that it is Hermoine Granger is moot.
How about this girl?
How are you feeling? What is your immediate reaction? Are you excited? Are you horny? Are you disgusted? Write your feelings down and we’ll compare notes at the end of this. Here are a few more to get that steam of consciousness going:
What are those, 8 lbs? Pussy.
What do you need those knee pads for dollface? And what’s with the ankle warmers?
HA! Curveball fuckers. Bet you didn’t expect to see this chick’s grill ruining your day.
Saving face.
That is not proper curling technique.
After all those pictures and video of girls in sports bras, you should be in the right mindset: outrage. Whenever I see a girl wearing just a sports bra up top I get outraged. What’s with the double standard?! The most fabric guys can lose, and stay socially acceptable, is there sleeves. Yet girls will walk around the gym with nothing but a strip of goddamn duck tape around their tits and nobody says a thing. In fact, most guys just stare at them… I assume in disgust. Disgust that girls can roll around on the ab mats, getting their swoobs all over the public space with no repercussions.
I’ve decided to take action. Now, whenever I see a chick in my gym rocking the sports bra look, I stare directly into her eyes; slowly lift up my shirt; and tie it off just below my pecs. Usually the chick runs away, I assume because she just got so wet she had to change her spandex.
I rock that look for the rest of my gym sesh and nobody says a goddamn thing - most likely cause you don’t fuck with somebody as jacked as me. Regardless, I have assumed that I can also start wearing sleeveless belly shirts to the gym. I spend every day looking like a roided out version of Spike from The Little Giants and it feels phenomenal. Now everybody is staring at me again and not that bitch with the sports bra - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. See you tomorrow at the gym, I’ll be the dude in the sleeveless stomach cut-off.
I’ve been following you for a few months now,…(blah blah blah)… I was lifting today and saw things that really piss me off. You have spent time in gyms where some guys think that their shit doesn’t stink, these guys, in my opinion are the guys who…
1. Run backwards on the treadmills
2. ”Air Box” in the mirror
3. Use the bungie cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungie, so they want to use one with their 135 reps
4. And last but not least, the guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar
Now Tony, I have been lifting for a few years, I considered myself knowledgable of lifts and benefits that certain workouts give you. If I am missing the bus and these workouts are so beneficial then sign me up but, I feel these are the guys that work out to just be seen at the gym. Let me know what you think, and if you got any others.
Thanks Tony, keep up the good work.
-Hambone
Alright Hambone, I am glad you came to me with your questions. You brought up some great points and I am going to hit each one right in the face:
1) Running backwards on the treadmill. A more important question might be, what the fuck are you doing running on the treadmill in the first place? If you need to sweat, and you got a bad knee or something (like myself), act like you have been there and get on the stationary bike like an experienced meathead. Ellipticals and running backwards are for fuck-ups and fruitcakes.
2) “Air Boxing” in the mirror. It is called “Shadow Boxing”, and I don’t mind it when done in moderation. Some guys lift to be huge, some guys lift to look huge, and some guys lift to be strong so they can win bar fights. So if you want to be some kind of MMA superstar and shadow box all over the place; power to you - just don’t do it in my fucking gym. If you want to shadow box, do it in a proper gym. If you want to shadow box, commit to being a boxer, and join a gym with speed bags, jump ropes, heavy bags, a ring, sparing equipment, guys who hold the pads for you, and mirrors for shadow boxing. Don’t join my gym and punch figments of your imagination while taking up all my mirror space when I am trying to get my flex on.
3) Using the bungee cords on the bench because they saw some guy repping 315 with a bungee, so they want to use one with their 135 reps. To be honest I’ve never really understood the bungee-cord bench. I guess it is suppose to help with the top half of the benching motion. So if you find the 2nd half of the motion easy, you might try adding a resistance band? Personally, I think that just means you can add more weight, which in turn makes you look cooler, which in turn gets you chicks. Some people swear by the resistance band, say it helps them “overcome plateaus” and “accelerate their gains.” I’m kind of indifferent.
I will take Hambone’s side on this one too; if you are doing it just cause you saw some big guy do it, perhaps you should reflect on your life. Assess your life choices, are you just trying to emulate people who are more accomplished in hopes that their path to success will be as yours? That is a foolish way to lift through life. Be your own man, make your own decisions, don’t be a fucking bungee cord wannabee or i’ll snap that fucker right down onto your forehead.
4) The guy that makes a spectacle of his ab workout by flipping and suspending by the pull up bar. I’ve agreed with all of our reader’s peeves up to this one, but this is where I have to get off the Hambone Express. Doing insane ab work outs to make a spectacle of yourself is EXACTLY the type of behavior that Two Scoops promotes. When you are in the gym, you want people to know that you are the most important person in there. I personally prefer such barbell rattling moves as the “Jump Squat” or the “Hang Clean (w/ theatrical foot stomp)”. Or if I am on the pull up bar I am a huge fan of the “Clap Pull-Up” or the “Muscle Up”, both of those moves really turn heads. However, there is a difference between spectacle and theatrical, and theater kids are losers. So be careful not to get theatrical, or risk ending up looking like this guy:
The guy in this video has the right idea, but he is trying a little bit too hard. If you are going to show off, make sure you don’t look like you are trying to show off. Be a pro. This guy looks like he just learned how to do this and couldn’t wait to post this video on YouTube. The guy in this video below however…
That is how you show off. Dude makes it look easy. Takes that pull up bar and makes it his bitch.
No. No? NO! NO. NO. Yes. No?! NO! I don’t know how many different ways I can say it. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Having your wife, girlfriend, hook-up, or even some-girl-you-sometimes-stare-at when-she-isn’t-looking-at-you with you at the gym is a terrible idea. You are constantly trying to either ignore or impress this woman and while you are thinking about crushing box, you are forgetting to do what you came to do - CRUSH WEIGHT. That is why whenever my buddy says, “hey do you mind if Susan comes to the gym with us today?” I respond, “First of all, why is your girlfriend named Susan? And, No.”
I’ve tried it before, bringing a girl to the gym, and I won’t do it again. I get all self-conscious about being my normal macho self - I don’t feel right about flexing and grunting all over the place. Meanwhile she is all self-conscious about swoobs or having her mascara run or whatever girls worry about. I know what you are thinking though, “But Tony, when else do I get to see my girl in yoga pants?” I solved that conundrum long ago: Just make yoga pants the standard household uniform, strictly enforce this rule. That way you don’t have to bring her to the gym just to see how awesome that ass looks in them yoga pants.
I fucking love yoga pants as much as the next guy, but rules are rules. No GFs, sorry.
“The gym is my version of church, and I’m a deeply religious man in this sense” -James Fell (foxnews.com)
This dude is talking about women ruining the sanctity of the gym, and I am totally on board. I have a strict no-estrogen policy when it comes to free weights.
In the meantime, here are more pictures of yoga pants in case you forgot what they looked like. You’re welcome.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
P.S. Thanks to our reader, “Dickvein,” for sending in the quote. I love it when Two Scoopers send shit in, means I don’t have to do as much work. I love it even more when they sign their emails with awesome names like “Dickvein.” Keep up the good work. Free Two Scoops T-Shirt (we’ll make one up) to the person who signs their email with a better name than ‘Dickvein’ (probably not possible).
Obviously, the question here isn’t, Did Arnold bang this chick? The question is, Did Arnold wait until they even finished filming to bang this chick, or did he just say, “Hey turn off the cameras for a second, but keep that music playing cause I am going to rail this chick if she eyes my ‘ceps one more time.”
Did you notice how that other guy disappears like a minute and thirty seconds into the video? Yeah, i’m guessing it got pretty awkward for him after Tricep Extensions when Arnold dropped his gym shorts, looked him square in the eyes and said, “I think you should leave.”
And is this dialogue at 1:50 serious? Arnold: Ok, a little faster now… Great! you did it. Good, you feel it back there? Workout Video Slut: Sure did. Arnold: Great exercise to burn off the extra fat, and make it tight.
“A great exercise to… make it tight.” Wow. We still talking about triceps Arnold? Where we not suppose to figure out that this video doubled as a porn? And now that guy is the governor of one of the most powerful states in our country. God bless. Just goes to show you that being huge can get you laid, and get you into office.
I look for two things in my female WWE wrestlers: boobs, and a pornstar’s resume. I guess Snooki has both?
Let’s see that again… with a better view of Snooki’s T&A.
I knew all gymnasts were short with thick thighs but that might be taking it too far. What the fuck just happened? I don’t know whether I should go wash out my eyes with bleach or start watching Jersey Shore again.
It was a dark and stormy night. After spending the better part of an hour running in a straight line for 7 miles and not going anywhere, runner Steve Tursi showers and makes himself an ultra-organic, grass-fed, wheat grass electrolyte health shake. He is preparing for the night’s activity. For you see, mild-mannered runner Steve-by-day becomes, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger by night. He sits down at his computer, vigorously sips his health shake, and his fingers become ablaze with the fiery passion that only a runner can bring to the keyboards.
“…his fingers became ablaze with the fiery passion that only a runner can bring to the keyboards.”
Tonight, he is going to save the world from the evil clutches of The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team. For you see, some time ago, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger had fought The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team, accosting them for having this copy on their website:
“Marathon running is simply bad for you – FACT. The human body is not designed to run 26 miles straight over hard ground. Unless you are an Olympic athlete, road racing is a guaranteed way to say goodbye to your knees before you hit 40.”
Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger wrote in response: “Seriously, who the hell writes this kind of crap?” Now, I’m not one to argue, but I am.
Correct me if I am wrong - Are not Marathons named after the legend of Φειδιππίδης, a Greek messenger who, after defeating the Persians at the Battle of Marathon, ran 25 miles to Athens to proclaim “We have won!”, before collapsing and dying from exhaustion? Am I understanding that correctly? The event is centered around a legend where a man ran 25 miles - then died. Legends have a basis in truth, and if this dude, a messenger by profession, DIED running 25 miles, how can you say that running that distance is good for you? Based on that fact alone, I think Tough Mudder is completely justified in writing “this kind of crap.”
However, Steve Tursi: Hero Blogger’s efforts weren’t for not, The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team flinched, changing their website to read:
“Marathon running is simply boring – FACT. And the only thing more boring than doing a marathon is watching a marathon. Road-running may give you a healthy set of lungs, but will leave you with as much upper body strength as Keira Knightley. At Tough Mudder, we want to test your all-round mettle, not just your ability to run in a straight line getting bored out of your mind on your own for hours on end.”
Hear, Hear! “Hear, all ye good people, hear what this brilliant and eloquent speaker has to say!” Does this look like upper body strength to you?
Nope. No it doesn’t. Keira Knightley may be hot and famous, but no man, marathon runner or not, should strive for her upper body strength. Unless you are striving to have (sex with) her upper body strengths (aka face and tits), in which case, join the club.
The Evil Tough Mudder PR Team is henceforth known as The Wonderful Tough Mudder PR Team, friend of Tony Muscoli and TwoScoopsGetHuge. Running should be short and sweet, but if it has to be longer than 2 miles, it might as well be Tough Mudder.
Tough Mudder people have cojones! I love it. This was entertainment.
Read Steve Tursi’s original post here: http://stevetursi.blogspot.com/2010/03/review-tough-mudder-debacle.html
…then comment all over his blog telling him he should quit being a bitch, stop running, start taking two scoops, and get huge.
Two Scoops. Get Huge. End of Story. You think you know how to be a meathead? Nope. You don't. You are small. You are weak. But we can help. So sit down, read up, and get ready for a hot beef injection.
No. No? NO! NO. NO. 
And is this dialogue at 1:50 serious?
