Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Tony,

Will I ever be a Warrior Master like hardcore bodybuilder Ann?

Yours Hugely,
Hap

No, sorry. You will never be a Warrior Master like Hardcore Bodybuilder Ann. That chick is just too hardcore. Actually, I take that back. You should never say never. Achieve the impossible blah blah blah…

I want to see somebody else do this so badly it hurts. Can somebody please, please, please send your Uncle Tony a video of you at your local gym doing a set of Shoulder Flyes, and yelling “I AM A WARRIOR MASTER” at the top of your lungs? I will post that video IMMEDIATELY and you will gain instant internet fame amongst all 6 people who read this blog.

That being said, let the Warrior Master be a lesson to you. Screaming through your workout shows courage. It shows determination. It shows the weights that you just don’t give a fuck. Nothing can stop you. Be your own Warrior Master.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. I am almost positive that she makes those exact same noises when she bangs you. EXACT SAME.

Reader Email:

Tony,
Just thought the people should know that even Dave Chappelle hits the bricks.

New Dave - Jacked Old Dave - Not Jacked

-logaaaaaaaan

You are god damned right I want to know about this. I am trying to corner the meathead humor niche market, and I can’t have people who are actually funny moving into my space! I think I am funny, Dave Chapelle IS funny, but he hasn’t been a threat cause he was skinny and goofy, a completely different genre. But now… now there is no doubt in my mind that if he decided to start into some jokes about his new ‘ceps that he would kill it - and Two Scoops would be out of business. This is not good.

Nobody flinched when Carrot Top pulled this shit.

Probably cause he got horrific plastic surgery real big and people were scared of him and if you are scary then you are not funny, and that is how Carrot Top’s “career” dissolved faster than two scoops of Whey in a blender.

But Dave Chappelle is funny enough to avoid this. This is not good… not good at all.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

I have been a member at P/F for more than 3 years. I worked out, minded my own business and thought people seemed nice. I also thought being able to tan at the gym was genius. Yesterday I was in a tanning booth (they have phones with direct lines to the front desk to request more tanning time) and someone had taken the phone from the booth so I called from my cell. Some Nasty Rude girl told me that I must have taken the phone !!!! WTF do I need with an extension phone for a land line ??? The next day I was told my membership had been canceled and not to return.

-Joe L. from Maine

Joe you have a point here, nobody uses land lines anymore. I also like that you capitalized “Nasty Rude” girl, probably is that bitches real name anyway. With a name like that, she should go back to working the afternoon shift with the rest of the C-squad at the Foxy Lady.

Take this as a sign that it is time to join a gym that actually lets its users work out and tan in peace, without setting off lunk alarms or canceling your memberships and shit. Although I will agree with you, Joe, that tanning booths at the gym are pretty awesome, that doesn’t come close to canceling out the rest of the Planet Fitness bullshit. I am just impressed you made it 3 years without an incident.

Planet fucking Fitness is right. Happy to have Joe join our side in the War on Planet Fitness. Granted it will be a lopsided battle no matter how many new recruits we get, because Planet Fitness is a pussy. How many times can I say Planet Fitness in one paragraph? Fucking Planet Fitness, I just messed up your logo.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Words can not express the extreme joy this video brought me. EXTREME JOY. I felt like I just watched the birth of my son (yes, it will be a boy, or I am putting it back). I’d like to think of myself as a leader in the War on Planet Fitness, and I couldn’t imagine a better guy to have on my side than Iron Sport Gym owner Steve Pulcinella. Not only is he a former World Strongest Man competitor, but he is a former World Strongest Man competitor. That means that if the War on Planet Fitness became an actual war, we would have one of the World’s Strongest Men on our team. We coming for you Planet Fitness. Footsteps baby. Footsteps.

Also, the dude at 0:56 is my idol. Not Platz, not Arnold, not Coleman, Cutler, or Captain America… that dude.

I checked out a few other videos from IronSportGym, and found this video of tryouts for the Army I am gathering to destroy Planet Fitness.

That, my friends, is two train wheels that total 1485 pounds. Only at Iron Sport Gym. “You don’t see this shit at Planet Fitness” is right. After watching these videos, I think that Gold’s Gym in Cali is to bodybuilding, what Iron Sport Gym in PA is to powerlifting - and both gym’s will be top recruiting centers when it comes to fisticuffs with Planet Fitness. Fuck Planet Fitness.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to “logaaaaaaaan" who sent me this video.

Meat.

Its no secret, I only lift my arms. Your probably thinking to yourself, “wow this guy is completely and utterly brilliant.” I know, I’m a fucking genius. If you are reading this, you better not disagree with me when I say that there is no reason to lift anything else. If you are a skeptic, finish reading my irrefutable logic, get the fuck off this site, and go drink an Odwalla you stupid dick fart.

Ok, back to business, and by business I mean bicep curls. Why you should only lift arms:

Reason 1) A massive arm never looks not cool. Pretty much everything you do makes you look tough and attractive to sluts. For example, picking up your backpack at the end of class and tossing in a little flex for the cute freshman slam pig sitting next to you… POW!

Reason 2) When you borrow your friend’s T-shirt, you stretch out the arms so much, your friend will have no other option but to relinquish it to you because you custom tailored it to fit a man.

Reason 3) As long as you stand sideways, people think your huge. You are standing around, chatting up with some babes on the beach, and some super-fit fuckhole is jogging down the beach. She gets the profile shot, what is staring her in the face? BICEPS. All she can think is: “fuck. that is a big arm. So huge. So awesome. GIMME HIS BALLS.” And give them to her you will. That happened. For real. Take it from me, I am awesome, and I only lift my arms.

-Brent “The Preacher” Curls

Choosing a protein powder is about more than getting huge [citation needed]. Your choice of powder lets people in on the little secrets that define who you really are. And nobody wants to be misjudged on the basis of their protein supp. Here is what your protein powder says about you.

Herbalife: You are either very new to this, or you are a tremendous pussy. You thought that you spotted the “healthy” and “natural” choice in the shark infested ocean of unregulated supplements. Furthermore, you are probably kept up at night wondering why you can never bench press more than twice your body weight. I’ll tell you why: It’s because your protein supp has pictures of leaves and a graceful figure with feminine calves on the bottle. That shit cant work. If you don’t see pictures of oiled and shredded muscles, put that shit back on the shelf. End of story.

GNC Pro Performance: You are cheap. Really cheap. What did you pay, like 20 dollars for this shit? You think that you gamed the system by paying half price for the same stuff that’s in the big shiny bottle, don’t you. Simultaneously, you wonder why your traps are softer than your girlfriend’s saggy tits. Pay the extra 40 dollars, Brohan, and then maybe you can get huge enough to upgrade to a woman than doesn’t look exactly like John Goodman.

BSN Syntha-6: You are Asian. You no longer want to be the puny little geek from high school, so you hit the college weight room daily, only to realize that getting huge takes more than work ethic; it takes drugs. The name and the shiny bottle jumped off the shelf at you, screaming the word “SCIENCE!” at the top of its lungs; you were powerless. Well fortunately for you, this shit is awesome. You probably bulked up to the size of a regular athletic human, and all the cute little Korean babes from the sorority house want to marry you at the age of 22. Well Played, Bromethius, well played.

Nitro Tech Hardcore: You have diarrhea. Your diarrhea has diarrhea. You spend all of your money on this stuff, leaving only loose change to buy toilet paper, a decision that your asshole will never forgive you for. On the bright side, you’re fucking enormous. The smokin babe on the elliptical gives you her digits every time. And you would seal the deal too, if you weren’t so afraid of untimely anal seepage.

Protein powder is about making sacrifices. If you want to be huge, prepare to gamble with your life. If you would rather be healthy, get the fuck out of Gold’s and drag your pitiful ass back to Bally Total Fitness. And never come back to this website, you’re a disgrace.

Choose Wisely.

- Dudley “Stacks” Rodman

Billy “Biceps” Luciano here, with a simple tip on getting love from the ladies. It is an undeniable fact that the ladies love huge biceps. By extension, if you want love from the ladies, then you want huge biceps.

For example, this is Thomas Jones:

And this is how Thomas Jones spends his free time:

Coincidence? I think not.

You are probably saying to yourself, “But Billy, Thomas Jones is a wealthy professional athlete, he would be drowning in pussy regardless of bicep size.” Well shut your stupid mouth, dickhead. I work at Price Chopper and I have cunt clinging to me like a cotton candy tampon. You know why? I don’t call myself Billy “Biceps” for nothing. Biceps. End of story.

- Billy “Biceps” Luciano