Two Scoops. Get Huge.

3News - This is a story about everything that’s good in sport.

It’s the story of the New Zealand weightlifting team, and of two men: Richie Patterson and Tevita Ngalu.

It’s the story of how one of those men, overcame incredible pain, to lift a weight no-one thought he could possibly lift, so the other man could go to the Olympics.

When people celebrate the Olympic spirit, it is stories like this one, that they have in mind.

Did you want to feel really good about life today? Because Tevita Ngalu just did one of the most noble things I have ever seen in sport.

I have cried once before in my life, when I watched Rudy drunk, but the gamesmanship, the comradeship, the courage, the Olympic effort, the nobility, the fortitude, the honor, the selflessness, and the sheer grit it took for Tevita to lift 157kg over his head without the use of his left leg is so fucking inspiring I started to tear up watching the video.

Believe it or not, Tony has feeling too, and this story was really tugging at my heartstrings. I am going to hug a random meathead when I get to the gym today.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t think it’s possible for me to disagree more with a single statement. It’s a simple mathematical equation:

Meatstick = Protein x (Attitude + (Lifting to the point of bowel-releasing exertion)).

To think that anyone would give advice that you shouldn’t attempt to lift well beyond what is clearly outside your realm of possibility is obviously NOT huge.

Aside from the sheer embarrassment of the can’t-do attitude this writer is publishing, I’d like to discuss that anyone who struggles at 30 Lbs, is either A) a chick who can’t shop for my weekly chicken inventory, or B) a hipster. Either way, I’m confident Darwin will clean up the mess.

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I am almost in tears at how perfect this T-shirt is for me.

I’M NOT REAL SMART
BUT I CAN LIFT HEAVY THINGS

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

GET AFTER IT YOU LITTLE MIDGET!

This is a TERRIBLE idea. I can’t stress this enough. I am all for inventing or improvising new exercises at the gym in order to get people to notice how strong and athletic you are, the Clap Pull-up and Decline Air-Fuck Sit Up are good examples of this, but this Reverse Deadlift looks to be about the stupidest fucking thing I can imagine. Actually, I lied, I could never have imagined something this stupid. Don’t get me wrong, on paper I am legally a Stupid, but it takes a special kind of retard to think up, and then perform, the Reverse Deadlift.

Just watching this video, I simultaneously dislocated my shoulder, tore my labrum, blew out my hip flexor, strained an abdominal muscle, and tore my ACL, MCL, PCL, and every other CL, in both my knees… then I pissed myself.

This skinny asshole doesn’t even look cool doing this exercise. This guy should immediately remove the Reverse Deadlift from his routine, and if he can go back in time and NOT do this exercise, he should do that.

I might have just saved his life.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

“‘SUP DUDES. I AM HERE TODAY, IN THIS COMPLETELY VACANT GYM, TO SHOUT AT YOU. NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO!

OK, FIRST WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW HAIRLESS MY BODY IS, YOU’LL NOTICE THAT THE COMBINATION OF MY LACK OF BODY HAIR, WITH MY LACK OF TAN, CREATES A NEAR PERFECT ILLUSION OF PREPUBESCENCE…”

"Rarrrr… I’m a monster!”

Sorry Two Scoopers, that is more CAPS LOCK than I ever wanted to include in a single post, but I couldn’t effectively mock that guy’s tone of voice without it. To give this Scott Herman guy credit, he does do a nice job explaining each exercise and its proper form.

He also does a nice job explaining that WE WILL NOT BEING CATCHING MONSTERS. Damn shame too, because I had been Googling “Monster Traps” trying to figure out how to capture the Jabberwocky that lives in my basement. Guess I’ll never find how to build a good monster trap. Thanks for nothing Steve Herman.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli