Two Scoops. Get Huge.

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED." Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned."

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops" is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

July 2012 PumpUps Experiment

PumpUps.comprovides a supplement trial service. For a monthly fee of $10, you are sent a package of supplement samples: 6 different supplements for a total of 10-12 sample packs.

Last month I did a review of PumpUps.com as a service. This month, Tony is taking a look at what PumpUps.com had to offer in July’s shipment, and seeing how much of it he can consume in 24 hours.

Pump Ups Contents (July 2012)

NO3 Chrome
Description: Nitric Oxide Booster (capsules)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: N/A (don’t chew them, they are gross, but you can open the capsules and snort the powder if you cool like that)

Bullnox Androrush
Description: Pre-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1.5
Flavor: Fruit Punch

Six Nutrition Vitamins for Men
Description: Multi-vitamin (capsules)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: (they are capsules?)

Inner Armour Peak Anabolic Gainer
Description: Post-workout protein/carbs/creatine/BCAA. “Mass gainer.” (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1/4
Flavor: Chocolate

Purus Labs Muscle Marinade
Description: Pre/Intra-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Cherry Limeade

VPX NO Shotgun
Description: Pre-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Exotic Fruit

Now that I have all these supplements, it is time to get fucking swollen.

Pump Ups Supplement Trial Day:

Tony always say, “go big or go home," so I went all out for this one.

Friday

1:00pm - Consume Six Nutrition Vitamins for Men with 12 oz. of water and a lunch consisting of 3 whole chickens. This vitamin supplement has ingredients to support Heart, Joint, Sex, Muscles, Mind, and Energy. After taking them, I immediately wanted to hit a new 1RM on Deadlift, run a marathon, take the SATs, and have sex with everything! I’m kidding. It is a multivitamin. Nothing happened.

5:00pm - Take NO3 Chrome and wash down with NO Shotgun mixed in 16oz. of water. Within 10 minutes I am feeling pretty good. Got a small buzz going, skin is starting to tingle, I feel uncomfortable sitting still, I should hit the gym.

5:30pm - Begin workout. Despite having already consumed a pre-workout, and the warning label’s claim that “one packet is all you need. DO NOT EXCEED MORE THAN ONE SERVING," I mixed a packet of Muscle Marinade into a shaker cup to consume during my workout.

6:00pm - I am blazing through my Back portion of my Back & Biceps workout. Pre-workouts got me buzzing and the intra-workout Muscle Marinade is keeping my irregular heartbeat alive. I haven’t hit any PRs but I am putting up some good numbers on all my lifts and getting a pretty good fucking pump when I am doing it - my lats are so swollen that I keep knocking into people because I don’t know my own width.

6:10pm - I finish the end of my back workout with sets of pull-ups to failure. My bicep veins are looking crazy sexy at this point. If I was wearing sleeves, I would have ripped them off. Taking 3 Nitric Oxide products should by my new modus operandi. My biceps are so pumped after doing Back that I was contemplating not doing biceps while I finished off my shaker of Muscle Marinade. Then I stopped being a pussy. NEVER SKIP BICEPS.

6:30pm - 5x5 EZ Bar Curl. 3x8 Hammer Curls. 1 drop set of Alternating Dumbbell Curls. 2x12 High Cable Curls to see if I could get my arm to explode. And one set of flexing gratuitously in the mirror. Operation Arm Annihilation complete.

6:35pm - Consume Inner Armour Peak Anabolic Gainer in 16oz. of water. The cool thing about these PumpUps packs are that, for 3 or 4 days, I don’t have to remember to put powder in ziplock bags, I got the sample packs right there. The problem I had though, was that this sample pack of mass gainer was only 1/4 of a serving, so I feel completely cheated and I had to rush home to get a full Two Scoops serving of protein.

7:00pm - I am still waiting for some crazy bowel movements to hit me, but nothing yet. Could it be I’ve found a pre-workout cocktail that doesn’t make my intestines revolt?

8:00pm - Crazy bowel movements.

10:00pm - Begin drinking

10:28pm - BTFO

Saturday

9:00am - I wake up feeling not so sore (probably the awesome multivitamin), but I have an apocalyptic hangover, like somebody dropped a 25lb dumbbell on my temple. Attempts to counteract these effects include consuming my second packet of Muscle Marinade and chugging approximately a gallon of whole milk while watching Pumping Iron.

10:00am - I feel human again, although the Muscle Marinade is failing at Hangover reversal. So much for Muscle Marinade’s claim that “One packet is all you need. DO NOT EXCEED MORE THAN ONE SERVING," cause one packet ain’t doing shit right now. What did we learn here? Take TWO SCOOPS. GET HUGE. END OF STORY. I take my packet of Bullnox straight to my face, and it tastes amazing (not joking, Bullnox really did taste good). I watch Sportscenter for a bit and head to the gym.

Total 24 Hour Pre-workout consumption:

• Muscle Marinade - 2 Servings
• NO Shotgun - 1 Serving
• Bullnox Androrush - 1.5 Servings
• NO3 Chrome - 1 Serving
• Six Multivitamin - 1 Serving (I count this because it has stimulants in it)

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I am not terribly impressed with this, and y’all shouldn’t be either. How do I expect people to call me The Internet’s Foremost Expert on Pre-Workout Supplement Abuse when I barely exceeded 3x the recommended serving amount for these supplements? Tony can do better. Tony will do better.

-Tony”Too Pumped Up” Muscoli

Praise the Lord! Any Lord! Allah! Hallelujah! Baruch Hashem! ברוך ה׳! Namo Amida Butsu! Hansen Natural CEO Rodney Sacks! The Monster Titties Girls! Whatever alien God that Christian Scientists worship! I don’t give a fuck who you thank, I’m just glad this drink exists and that I’ve found it.

Monster Energy Drink with 15 Grams of Protein = Chub

If I could marry a canned beverage, this would be it. Why? Because it is the perfect marriage of protein and energy - of getting huge and heart palpitations - that is why. When I first saw this I went from 6:00pm to 6:45pm. I am not even kidding, my pants definitely moved a little bit.

My choice in energy drink has just been made for me. Never again will I waste valuable time on a Saturday night deciding between RedBull and AMP or RockStar or Monster or Jack3d or Full Throttle or shots of tequila or an iced coffee or No-Doz or Cocaine. From now on, it is this drink 10 times out of 10.

Monster Rehab Protean Review:

Monster Protean Taste:

This dank shit tastes like a regular Monster Rehab “Tea" drink, just a little bit more supplementy. It tastes as though they took cans of their Rehab Tea drink, stuck a needle into them and shot them up with 15g’s of high quality protein. Taste is perfectly acceptable if you like Monster and it leaves you with ZERO excuses to get any other energy drink besides this one.

Taste: 7.9/10

Monster Protean Nutritional Content:

I have yet to see another energy drink with 15 grams of protein, all other ingredients are mute at this point.

Nutritional Content: 10/10

Monster Protean Effects:

Big Tony kicked off his Saturday night right by doing Two Scoops Strikeouts: take a hit, take a shot of protein vodka, chug a Monster Protean, exhale, get a blowjob, repeat.

Needless to say, I played like a champion. The proprietary Rehab® Energy Blend kept me buzzing all night, ensuring that I had sufficient motivation the beat the beat up, and the added protein removed the anxiety caused by alcohol’s effects on protein synthesis. While most Two Scoopers were thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis," I was thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis, but at least I chugged an extra 30g’s of protein to make up for it."

Effects: 9/10

Monster Protein Review Final Score: 9/10

Buy this shit.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

PumpUps.com provides a supplement trial service. For a monthly fee of $10, you are sent a package of supplement samples: 6 different supplements for a total of 10-12 sample packs.

Pump Ups sent me a sample of their product offering and asked for my two scoops on it. I warned them I would give my (brutally) honest opinion, and they shipped it anyway - good for them, they got balls.

Note: I am reviewing Pump Ups as a service, not the supplement samples they send.

PumpUps Arrive

The package arrives in this bubble wrap envelope emblazoned with the PumpUps logo. Like any package you get in the mail, it is exciting. It is kind of like you are getting a present that somebody forgot to wrap, except you know this present is supplements. And if you love supplements as hard as I do, then getting supplements in the mail makes you feel like a little kid waiting at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning… fucking rock hard.

I dumped my PumpUp out onto my coffee table and was generally please with the shiny packaging and the poster with boobs:

Pump Ups Contents (June 2012)

NO-Xplode 2.0
Description: Pre-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1.5
Flavor: Fruit Punch

Inner Armour BCAA Peak
Description: Pre/Intra/Post-workout amino acids (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Watermelon

Cytosport Monster Milk
Description: Post-workout protein/carbs/creatine/BCAA. “Mass gainer." (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Graham Cracker

P28 Bread
Description: High-protein bread (bread)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 0.5
Flavor: Bread?

High Energy Labs Electro Amino
Description: Pre/Intra/Post-workout amino acids (chewable tablet)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 0.25
Flavor: Fruit Punch Sidewalk Chalk?

Myogenix After Shock
Description: Post-workout protein/carbs/creatine/BCAA. “Mass gainer." (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 0.5
Flavor: Pina Colada

Product Inventory Card

High Energy Labs Electro Amino Product Flyer

Inner Armour BCAA Peak Product Flyer

Myogenix Thermal Core Product Flyer

Pump Ups Supplement Samples Trial

Now that I have all these supplements, it is time to get fucking swollen.

Pump Ups Supplement Trial Day:

12:30pm - I use the P28 Bread to make my sandwich for lunch. The bread actually doesn’t taste half bad, especially after spending a couple days in shipping. It is a little chewy, but that is to be expected. You have to have a little give-and-take when you are cramming 14 grams of protein into a slice of bread.

4:00pm - 1 Scoop of my regular whey protein in preparation of my afternoon workout.

5:00pm - I take the 1.5 Serving packet of NO-Xplode 2.0 and fart almost immediately, as is tradition.

5:20pm - I am feeling pretty good from my pre-workout, but since we were 0.5 servings away from a full two scoops, there is room for improvement. I chew on one of the High Energy Labs Electro Amino chewable tablets and the taste of sidewalk chalk inspires me to properly hydrate before my workout.
A serving size of Electro Aminos is 4 tablets, but there is only 1 tablet in a sample pack. Luckily, 1/4 of a serving of shitty Tums is all I really feel like stomaching at this point.

5:30pm - Blast Pecs

6:30pm - Mix packet of Graham Cracker flavored Cytosport Monster Milk with 8oz of Skim Milk. Consume. It tastes like somebody blended soggy Graham Crackers into milk, so I guess the flavor is relatively on point? For all these protein/BCAA post-workouts, all you really have to go on is taste and bowel movements when you are sampling, so I’d say that Monster Milk was a success considering it did taste as advertised. Although, I learned I would probably just stick with a simple chocolate flavor if I was to go out and actually purchase this product (I won’t).

6:45pm - I take the 2nd of the High Energy Labs Electro Amino chewable tablets. It still tastes like sand.

The rest of the samples are also BCAA post-workouts, so they will have to wait for another day.

8:47pm - Poop. Oh god, I pooped. Usually the NO-Xplode shits happen shortly after consumption so I am surprised I lasted this long, but this is NO-Xplode 2.0 - for Insane Muscle Pumps and Advanced Strength Delayed-Onset Diarrhea. I am talking shirt off, sweat-beading-up-on-my-forehead, consistency-similar-to-that-of-wet-concrete shit. My guess is that my digestive system was not accustomed to all the superfluous garbage ingredients Monster Milk has in it compared to my straight Whey. Between the healthy portion of Graham Cracker Monster Milk, and the NO-Xplode primer, my asshole had decided to punish me.

I had a date at 9 o’clock that I had to cancel, while pooping, via text, because I was glued to the porcelain.
I am not kidding.

Tony’s Two Scoops on PumpUps.com

Pros

• Getting supplements in the mail is exciting. Getting supplement samples once-a-month makes it feel like you have a monthly bodybuilding birthday.
• You get exposure to new supplements you might not have thought of before. I have had P28 Bread before, but most people haven’t, and it is a pretty cool product for those sick of eating rice and potatoes. And if you find a new supplement you might not have normally, then this service has done its job.
• The sample packets are easy to transport. It is nice to have the packets laying around to throw in your gym bag in case you know you won’t have access to your regular tub of supplements later in the day.
• SWAG. As strange as it was to receive a Thermal Core product flyer without actually receiving a sample of Thermal Core, it still makes for some great dorm room wallpaper:
  

Cons

• The actual number of samples was less than advertised. The website claims they ship 6 supplements (10-12) samples. My package only contained 8 actual samples, with a total of 6 servings.
• Flyer didn’t match product samples. I have this awesome flyer, with this sexy babe on it telling me to get shredded with Thermal Core, except I can’t try the product advertised. Instead, I have to resort to masturbating to a fucking supplement flyer… sad.
• Except for pre-workouts, it is hard to judge the effectiveness of a supplement with only a 1 or 2 day supply. There isn’t really anything PumpUps.com can do about this, but all you can really judge post-workouts on is taste (and bowel movements, apparently). I guess this is still better than buying a full tub of the stuff before realizing it tastes like a dog’s asshole.

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Final Word

I, Tony Muscoli, would recommend trying PumpUps.com (I wasn’t paid to say that).

$10 a month is nothing, just buy one less girl a drink at the bar, and in return you receive a bunch of shiny supplement sample packets that you can use to deck out your supplement collection. I would pay for 2-3 months, see how you like it - see if you are finding any new supplements you like.

If you find a new supplement you like, now you can go spend your hard-earned money on it. P28 Bread, for example, would be something I would be happy I found.

On the contrary, if you find out that you really don’t like a supplement you had been considering spending money on, you might have just saved yourself some $cratch. For example, I might have considered buying Monster Milk this winter when I wanted to start bulking up again. However, now I know that if I did that, my asshole would hate me - and I’ve saved myself the $70 I would have spent on a 4lb tub of post-workout laxative.

Try it. Why not? If after 3 months your supplement purchasing decisions haven’t been affected either way, then save your $10 and put it towards the supplement stack you know works for you.

Get Pumped.

-Tony"Too Pumped Up" Muscoli

This review will take you through the experience of taking a first dose of GNC’s pre-workout supplement, Ravage.

1. The Bottle
   It looks stupid. Not as shiny and flashy as NO-Xplode, and not as simple and science-y looking as Jack3d. But looks aren’t important, results are, and the result of naming this thing “RAVAGE" means that it will command respect when you display it prominently in your kitchen.
   
   
2. Ingredients
   GNC decided to take BSN’s approach here and stuff their pre-workout with as many fucking ingredients as possible. 3 of them work (Caffeine, Creatine, and L-Arginine), 87 of them will RAVAGE your asshole.
   
   Luckily, they keep all the effective ingredient dosages hidden in their mysterious proprietary blend, so you don’t know if you are actually getting enough of any ingredient to do anything.
   
   The rest of the diarrhea-inducing ingredients are all a bunch of plant extracts that may, or may not, do anything other than confuse your digestive system. Fenugreek, Wild Yam, and Cinnamon Extracts round out my skepticism nicely. More bro-science that actual science behind some of these ingredients, but hey, if you put ALL OF THEM in one supplement, one of them is bound to do something right? Right?
   
   
3. Smell
   Open that tub up and take a whiff. Your nostrils will sting a little. They will be confused, perplexed, then they will tell you, “Don’t do it. Something doesn’t smell right." But you don’t care, you are trying to get huge. So you take a scoop and start stirring. Fuck!… It smells even worse now.
   
   
4. Scoop
   Normally the scoop wouldn’t get its own category, but RAVAGE’s scoop is so fucking big I got confused and thought they put the wrong size plastic scoop in my tub, then I checked the label. The serving size is 1 scoop. 1 scoop is 26 grams. That is over 5 times bigger than Jack3d’s serving size of 5.5g. 2.5x bigger than HyperFX’s serving size. RAVAGE’s serving size is the same as my whey protein. That is fucking insane.
   
   Hypothetically, what happens if the heavier ingredients settle to the bottom of the bottle during transit and just caffeine is left on top, and you don’t think to stir it up, and you accidentally scoop yourself 20 grams of Anhydrous Caffeine? 10 grams is fatal for fucks sake. You would have the most hardcore workout ever.
   
   
5. Taste
   No surprises here. It smells like shit, tastes like shit. But whatever, taste isn’t the end goal here, hugeness is.
   
   
6. Energy & Pump
   Naturally, I took two (giant fucking) scoops of this shit to get a good buzz going. It worked.
   

   How I Felt After Taking RAVAGE:

   
   RAVAGE certainly has enough caffeine to fuck up my workout. 200mg per serving, so two scoops had me buzzin’ like that weird German guy in Blow. I had to jump rope in between sets to keep people from noticing that I was shaking uncontrollably.
   
   Pump wasn’t anything spectacular, but it almost doesn’t matter when YOU CAN LIFT FOR 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.
   
   Strength saw good improvements in endurance. I didn’t notice myself hitting any new PR’s, but I was lifting heavier weights for longer. Normally you start to fatigue after hitting your big compound lifts early in your workout, but it felt like 18 sets of Incline, Flat, and Decline bench were just a good warmup for my tricep isolation lifts. Fuck yeah.
   
   
7. Hangover
   After your incredibly energized workout, you leave hyper-exhausted and become useless to the fucking world. I found this out the hard way. I tried working out over my lunch hour. My 45 minute lift turned into an hour and 45 minute lift, and by the time I got back to my desk I was basically asleep. You know what they say, “Work hard. Workout even harder. Then don’t work at all."
   
   
8. Price
   SRP for RAVAGE is $39.99. There are 20 servings in a bottle. If you can do math, and I know many Two Scoopers can’t, that is $2 a serving. $2 a serving for a pre-workout is insanely retarded. Energy drinks at CVS are cheaper than that shit. By comparison, NO-Xplode is $1.34 per serving if you are stupid enough to buy it at SRP of $66.99. If you bargain hunt for NO-Xplode, and I can fucking bargain hunt, you can get it down to $0.51 a serving. Therefore, vis-à-vis, to summarize, in conclusion, RAVAGE is over-fucking-priced.

.

Final Verdict: Definitely worth a shot, but not for the money, and you’ll probably move on after 1 tub anyway.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Not fair, she is used to chugging nasty stuff…

I was interneting earlier this week, making my usual rounds on the bodybuilding forums, when I came across a post on lightweight-mother’s blog that said, "I just had the nastiest pre-workout shake ever!" But the motherfucker didn’t say what was in it. So I asked him. Here is his response:

Reply from lightweight-motherfucker:

Dude, I am going to have to go for 10 years of psychotherapy to get the taste out of my mind!!! okay so here it is:

12oz of water, 1 cup of strawberries, 1 scoop of cytosport chocolate whey, 4g citrulline malate (you know that taste in your mouth when you have a mini liquid puke? well this is what this shit tastes like), 2g kre-alkalyn, 4g beta-alanine, 2g ASHWAGANDHA (the cause of the nasty, horrific taste, seriously if Jabba the Hut had a flavor he would taste like this) 5g Vanilla flavored Glutamine, 5g leucine, 2g cinnamon, 35g Dextrose (not a good chaser at all)

After mixing and blending this alchemical elixir the total volume of the shake came out to about 20+ oz. I gulped it down like I would shots of bacardi 151. After the three huge gulps my eyes were watering and the puke was rising but I held it in, chased it with a bit of water. Then headed to the gym and seriously had one the best chest workouts ever. Moral of the story: Tastes bad but does GOOD. I want to buy some horse capsules and just stuff in the 30g of powder. TIME TO RESEARCH!

Take care buddy, your blog is truly awesome btw.

Holy ballsack that sounds nasty. In case any of you are wondering,ASHWAGANDHA is Indian Ginseng. ASHWAGANDHA in Sanskrit means, “horse’s smell."This comes from the odor that the plants root gives off, that resembles the smell of a sweaty horse. I have never experienced this personally, but somebody on Wikipedia has, and that is good enough for me. The fact that Lightweight put 2g’s of horse sweat in his shake is simply fascinating. Barbaric even.

Lightweight, I have to say, feeling the onset of nausea 3 sips in, then powering through the final 16 oz. of your shake… It makes me feel - I… I… I am just so GOD DAMNED PROUD OF YOU. Supplements aren’t pleasure, they are pain. If it tastes good, it probably doesn’t work as well. Jack LaLanne, the World’s Fitness Pioneer, followed this simple nutrition tip: “If it tastes good, spit it out." There is a reason steroids are injected - because they taste like shit.

Bottom line:

“If you want to put up weight, you got to chug that shake."
-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

P.S. Lightweight, if you ever end up making that horse pill, let me know. We’ll take it and get huge together.

Watch this fucking retarded 5 Hour Energy commercial:

Do you understand the problem I have with this commercial? Do you see how insulting this is? Talk about dumbing shit down. This ad is basically saying, “are you too lazy to MAKE COFFEE? Well then buy our magicical cure-all juice!" The guy walks right past his coffee maker, the espresso maker, and reaches into his cabinet for a 5 Hour Energy. You know how long it takes to make coffee in the morning? Five fucking minutes, and most coffee makers nowadays have automatic timers that will start brewing before your alarm even goes off so you will have coffee freshly brewed when you wake up, so you don’t even have an excuse.

And another thing, a cup of home brewed coffee costs about $0.33, while a 5 Hour Energy costs $3.99 at CVS. So is the 5 minutes it takes to brew a cup of coffee worth the 1200% markup?! God damn thieves is what they are, and swindlers.

A Get Huge Routine:
Listen America, you can be better. You don’t have to be a lazy piece of shit just because 5 Hour Energy tells you to be. Can I tell you something? Every morning, I wake up an hour and a half before my workout, I pull the blender down from the shelf, plug it in, pour in 2 cups of milk, 4 frozen strawberries, a banana, and 2 scoops of chocolate whey protein. Then I put the blender on “frappe" and wait for 15 seconds. Then I chug the whole fucking blender. Then I go back to bed.

Then I wake up 30 minutes before my workout, clean up the blender, reach into the cupboard and pull out a glass, and a tub of NO-Xplode or Jack3d or SuperPump250 or whatever heart palpitation inducing pre-workout supp I am taking at the moment, mix in two scoops with a cup of water, take it to the face, and head off to the gym. That is a fucking routine. Sometimes, when I am poor, I’ll replace the pre-workout supp with a huge ass cup of coffee. But the point is, rolling out of bed and suckling on a nipple of 5 Hour Energy doesn’t do a god damn thing but make you stupid and apathetic. How the fuck are you going to get psyched up for the day, or for your workout, with 2 ounces of overpriced tang? Not to mention the fact that the synthetic caffeine in 5 Hour has less effect than the real shit.

Stop wasting your money, stop being stupid, stop drinking 5 Hours, and start reading more TwoScoops.

Was watching some delightful commercial yesterday for a fancy new supplement called RipFire that claims to get results in just 14 days. As of yesterday, the RipFire website had no mention of any ingredients, just flashy graphics and shiny buttons all over the place telling you to “Claim your FREE bottle." I was skeptical, but a free bottle is a free bottle.

Alright RipFire, I’ll be your fucking guinea pig.

Miraculously, I used semi-good judgement and checked their return policy to make sure I would have the same success I had with Force Factor.

After a meticulous 15 seconds of research, I came to the obvious conclusion that RipFire is a big, fucking scam. Like all these scams, after the free trial, you are put on an autoship program where they charge your credit card $104 every 60 days. No, fucking, thank you.

But Tony, what if the product actually works and it is worth that money?
Let me assure you, it is not even worth the $3.95 for shipping & handling. Since yesterday the RipFire website has been updated to include nutritional info. Wanna take a guess what it is made of? L-arginine.
Just like all these:


And although I personally love L-arginine as a supplement, it promotes nitric oxide production and increases GH levels, alone IT IS NOT worth $100. At least some of the shit above has creatine and shit in it.

And yes, I checked to see if their return policy would let me keep the contents of the $100 bottle for a full refund like the schmucks at Force Factor. No refund.

RipFire just moved past Force Factor and is now TwoScoops public enemy #2. Right behind Planet Fitness. Two Scoops gives RipFire two HUGE thumbs down.

Bottom line:

RipFire is a SCAM

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

P.S. Dear RipFire people, if you send me a bunch of free shit, i’ll take this down and write a glowing review.
I can be bought. I am poor.

For a couple of weeks i’ve been sitting on the idea of making a “Brotein Shake."

(Beer + Protein) * Blender = Brotein Shake.

Shit gets pretty foamy in my blender. Then, like a gift from the God of Getting Huge, my prayers are answered. BEHOLD!

Beck’s 50g:

Here is what their website had to say:

Beck’s is pleased to be the first brewer in the world to introduce the protein shake beer. Beck’s 50 will be strictly brewed according to the Reinheitsgebot, the German purity law of 1516, except with the addition of 50 grams of high quality whey protein and additional multi-vitamins.

Beck’s 50 is primarily aimed at those hardcore gym users who want to maximize their work outs whilst enjoying the cool, refreshing, crisp taste of Beck’s beer. Beck’s 50 will be available at most bars and all good health shops (in the sports nutrition aisle).

Beck’s 50 is ideal post work-out to help maximize muscle repair and growth. Fortified with BCAAs (branched chain Amino Acids), the 50g of protein is immediately absorbed by the muscles to help maximize gains.

Please drink responsibly.

Genius. Nothing says post workout nutrition like BCAAs and BEERs. "I drink this post workout to prevent going catabolic but I also like the urge for violence it gives me COME AT ME BRAH! It’s fuckin protein IN A BEER its like an anabolic beer." Fuck yeah. Makes Michelob Ultra look like piss water. You’d think I would be running around to every beer store trying to stockpile this shit before it gets banned, but I have to blow the whistle on this one.

“Please drink responsibly?" Dear Beck’s, what in the fuck is responsible about a beer with 50g of protein? That is entirely too much protein for your average binge drinker. I see the scenario playing out like this:

• I get back from the gym. Today was Chest, and I absolutely obliterated my pecs.
• I reach into the fridge for a convenient, frosty protein shake beer.
• After taking the 1st beer to the face, I think “hey, two beers never hurt anybody."
• After a diesel workout, my body is in a weakened state and I’m buzzing off two beers and I think, “hey this is great! I’m gettin’ huge and gettin’ drunk!" *reaches for 3rd protein shake beer*
• I’m drunk.
• Everybody at TwoScoopers offise is asso drunkkl sop nobody can go get real beers sso im fucked an gottaa drinks this dirty taste protein beer.
• 10 beers later i have had drunken TEN BEERS! and trhat is 500 million grams of PROTIEN BITCHES! and i can feel my livver collapsing now , oi better be fucking huger! TWOSCOOPSGETHUGE TO THE FACE! WOho„,.m….,mfuck i have to shit. NOW!

-tony

I am going to tell you a little story about Force Factor. I signed up for a free sample bottle to check it out. Then, obviously, they sent me a full size bottle the next month and charged my credit card $80. I should have seen that coming… fool me once.

Anyway, I read the return policy very carefully, because I am poor as shit and can’t afford to be spending GNC prices on supplements. Turns out, I can return the bottle, with the bottle partially or fully emptied, and they will give you a full refund. Naturally, I emptied the bottle, all $80 worth, into a ziploc bag and sent the empty bottle back to Force Factor. Within a week my credit card was refunded all $80. Losers.

Now, as acceptable collateral damage, I get SPAM from them on the reg. Their latest email had somebull shit quote like:

"Force Factor is the absolute best product to hit the market in years" - BJ Penn.

I call ’horseshit.’ I click the link, read the landing page and laugh - out loud. Seriously, if you know anything about supplements, go read their sales pitch because it is HILARIOUS. Let me give you a summary:

"Blah blah blah Force Factor is the greatest thing ever I can’t believe nobody thought of this before!"

Except they have thought of it before:




Force Factor is just an L-Arginine supplement. Just like all the products above. The best part of Force Factor’s ingenius marketing cat shit? This comparison chart:

All this fucking chart established was that Force Factor is A) not a protein powder and B) a gayer version of NO-Xplode. Why on earth would you advertise the fact that your product doesn’t have Caffeine and Creatine? Caffeine and Creatine are the two most researched, most proven, and most(ly) legal athletic performance enhancing supplements on the market. I don’t know about you, but I want more shit in my workout supplement, not less. Here is a more appropriate chart that I made:


STFU Force Factor. I am wise to your weak ass marketing plan. Don’t make me go Planet Fitness on your ass.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli