Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Look how swole Jay Cutler’s bicep birthday cake is. I bet that thing is full of protein powder too.

That’s a bulking cake if I’ve ever seen a cheat meal… and I’ve seen cheat meals.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jeff King was an American amateur bodybuilder in the 1980s… fascinating.

You don’t even have to squint, he just looks like the head of a penis.

I don’t like how that dickhead is smiling at me - makes me feel uncomfortable.

Jeff King looks oddly reminiscent of this guy:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Can we PLEASE get these guys together to form the World’s Swolest Dance Crew? Have them monster flex all over the competition on ABDC? I would watch the shit out of that.

-Tony “Two Step” Muscoli

As I’m sure many of you aren’t wondering, my recent internet hiatus has been due to my moving across the country. I’ve moved from the East Coast to the West Coast in search of greener pastures and closer proximity to Arnold. However, despite being 2,500 miles closer to Gold’s Venice Beach, I could not be more uncomfortable.

California is sweet and all, but moving takes its toll. Change is difficult. You completely uproot your entire routine and a number of obstacles may affect your quest for swolccess.

Factors to Consider When Moving to a New City:

1. Know Where the Gyms Are Before You Move

   I cancelled my gym membership back East and moved without properly scouting out the gym scene. Now I have no gym membership, and I no longer have a gym within walking distance of both my home and office. I can feel myself shrinking already.
   
   You are NOT helping Siri.

2. Check the Yelp Reviews on the Gyms In The Area

   Unless you are moving to LA, you may find a decent bodybuilding gym hard to come by. The first 3 gyms I have visited only had dumbbells that went up to 100 lbs. One gym only went up to 80 lbs - I guess I could curl those, but how the shit am I going to get any kind of solid Dumbbell Bench Press workout in with those candy-ass weights?
   
   It sounds gloooorious.
   
   

3. Bring Your Supplements With You
   Airlines have a 50 lb limit on bags, so my 10 lb potato sack of Whey had to be left back East. Am I fucking stupid? That should have been the only thing I packed besides my straps, wrist wraps, and cod piece. I packed a reserve ziplock of Whey, but that was gone before my plane even landed. I have only consumed store-bought protein shakes, and RTDs do DAMAGE to your wallet.
   
   For the low low price of $400 at your local Walgreens
   
   
4. Arrange Proper Sleeping Arrangements
   If you don’t have an apartment to move in to when you arrive (like myself), find a hotel room or a friend’s guest room to stay at. Can’t afford a hotel and have to crash on your buddy’s couch? Spend the $50 you would have spent on one night in a hotel and get yourself an air bed. Most preferably, find yourself a smokin’ hot babe who will share her bed chambers with you. Sleeping on a couch for multiple nights makes your precious recovery time inefficient, inconsistent, and ineffective.
   
   
   
5. Buy Your Chicken, Rice, and Tupperware the Day you Arrive
   I made the mistake of thinking I could survive a few days off of cheap Mexican take-out. 4 days and 7 spicy chicken burritos later and my asshole will never forgive me. You never really appreciate your bland chicken and brown rice meals until you don’t have them anymore. Preparing your food the way you like it is a luxury you should never take for granted.
   
   I found this picture on the internet, please excuse the vegetables.
   
   
6. Watch Out for Exploratory & Commuting Cardio
   Exploring a new city can be fun and exciting, but be careful that a pleasant walkabout doesn’t turn into an hour long journey that eats away all your gains.
   Another thing to watch out for: commuting cardio. An often unavoidable and necessary evil for city commuters, a long walk or bike to work can be an open invitation for Gains Gremlins.
   Like a moron, I didn’t properly map out my commute before moving to a foreign city and have subsequently banished myself to a twice-daily bout of dreaded cardio. I feel foolish. I feel unfit to bear the “Two Scoops” moniker. I now do more cardio a day than I did all of last year. A true tradegy. Learn from my mistakes Two Scoopers.
   
   Alexey Lesukov is a pro at avoiding cardio.

Change is Bad

They say change is good. Tony Horton preaches about the benefits of “muscle confusion” in his p90X workout DVDs. It’s all bullshit. The only time your muscles get confused is when you deny them the Iron and Whey they crave. Your muscles only get confused when you stop lifting and start commuting. I’ve only managed 2 solid lifts in first 10 days and catabolism is running rampant.

My muscles are confused, “why do you hate us?” they cry!
“Where are our daily servings of chicken and brown rice?!” they plead.
"Are you some kind of California hippy pussy now?" they tease.
"You gonna start hiking and going on nature walks and eating Kale?" my muscles scoff, and quite frankly, I deserve it. I picked up and left the comfort and safety of my gym membership and magic bullet in search of adventure, and all I’ve found is the wildfires of California burning through my hard fought gains.

Head these warnings. Do your research. And don’t let your unrest excuse you from your duties as a Meathead. Do push-ups in a hostel common area if you must. Learn to hunt and fish for your protein if you must (gathering not necessary). Even do a trial membership at a Planet Fatness if, God forbid, it’s your only option.

Go on your adventures, take that new job, move to that new city, but never stop taking two scoops.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This picture was posted on Facebook recently:

It received an overwhelmingly large response for people who actually agree with the joke that this image was suppose to be.

For example,

Yea… I know… try to control your anger Two Scoopers. There are so many things I want to say to this bitch my fingers can’t even type correctitfuckthatfathoe.

First of all, the two men in the pictures above are actually the same person - Drew Manning. Drew gained 70 pounds, then lost it again, to show stupid people, like the girl who made this comment, that it can be done if you eat and train intelligently. His website is Fit2Fat2Fit.

Then, in an unfortunate contradiction to Manning’s purpose, stupid people try jumping on the karma train by saying that the healthy version of Manning must be a shallow, vapid meathead who knows of nothing but protein shakes and sex with a different girl every week, which is of course a ridiculou… wait… actually that doesn’t sound half bad.

So this bitch is saying that being addicted to protein shakes and working out means I get to have sex with a different girl every week? Shit! I was about to tear this chick a new one for saying that meatheads are shallow and care about nothing but being swole, but the more I read into it, the more I actually agree with her.

Yes, I am addicted to protein shakes.
Yes, I do spend every spare moment at the gym.
Yes, I do have a new shallow chick every week.
No, I can’t figure out why I can’t get a real women, mostly because I don’t know what this bitch means when she says, “a real woman.” Aren’t all women “real?” Unless we are talking about blow-up dolls, which are terrible in the sack anyway.

One day, a Two Scooper will finally bed this chick and then she will be thinking, “WOW, here I’ve been fucking fat guys this whole time, when I should have been sucking on a Two Scooper. Fuck me right?” Then we can all have a good belly laugh about this with our friends.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

NPR - Research intended to help people with muscle-wasting diseases could be about to launch a new era in performance-enhancing drugs.

The research has produced several muscle-building drugs now being tested in people with medical problems, including muscular dystrophy, cancer and kidney disease. The drugs all work by blocking a substance called myostatin that the body normally produces to keep muscles from getting too big.

It’s likely that at least one of the drugs will receive FDA approval in the next few years, researchers say.

Listen to the NPR broadcast.

This news blows my mind in so many ways. First, there is the news that there is a chemical my body produces that prohibits my muscles from getting too big: Myostatin. Myostatin just made the Top Threats to Two Scoopers list, right up there with cardio and running out of protein.

Top Threats to Two Scoopers:

1. Cardio
2. Myostatin
3. Realizing you are out of Whey protein powder when you go to make your post working-out shake and having to use casein instead
4. Freeballing Bench Press Spotters
5. Stimulant-free thermos
6. Swole-haters
7. Cardio

Then, after finding out about the Gainz Gremlin Myostatin, my mind was subsequently blown again upon learning of the new Myostatin blockers that are on the verge of being approved by the FDA. Take a moment to ponder the implications of this for a moment:

• D-bol and other steroids are all designed to help your body recover more quickly from workouts, repairing tissue so you can work out harder and longer and see your results faster. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive myogensis - the formation of muscular tissue.
• HGH, or Human Growth Hormone, is used for its effects on cell regeneration and reproduction. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive muscle production.

Now, I’m no scientologist, but if Myostatin blockers become available, then what is going to stop excessive growth of muscle tissue? There will be no stopping it. Muscles will be able to grow uninhibited.

Muscles will finally be able to roam freely across the human skeletal system. Free from the oppression and persecution that they have been subjected to under the Totalitarian rule of The Myostatin and its army of Gainz Gremlins.

I say to you, my friends, even though we face the difficulties of The Gainz today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the Meathead dream. I have a dream that one day Two Scoopers will rise up, and live out the true meaning of their creed: “We shall hold these biceps to be self-evident, and that all muscles should be created equally, without the growth differentiation factor Myostatin blocking their way.”

Damn, that was poetic.

-Tony “No Mo Myostatin” Muscoli

Thanks to J. Frozen for the article.

Scooby’s abs are sad :-(

The flag has been flying at half mast in the internet fitness world. The renowned YouTube fitness guru Scooby1961 posted his last video last week:

For those curious, Scooby was the unwilling victim of “doxing.”

Doxing is a technique used to gather information about an individual on the internet. Users on the website 4chan gathered Scooby’s personal information - his name, phone number, and home address - and posted it online. As it was done maliciously, Scooby felt that the safety of his family was put at stake, and decided to discontinue his YouTube channel, turn off his social media, and move residences.

The man built his home with his bare hands, and was forced to move because some sad assholes, hiding behind their keyboards, were jealous of his incredible pecs.

The Scooby We Know and Love

Maybe you know Scooby from my website. Scooby and I once debated the applications of marijuana to bodybuilding. And by debated, I mean I wrote a post in response to one of his videos. Scooby never replied, as he was far too busy being famous to respond to a blogger with 7 followers.

Maybe you know Scooby from his formidable chest, which is incredible for a guy his age and, when viewed from the right angle, looks a girl’s ass:

Dat chest

Perhaps you know him from his noble quest to make fedoras and bucket hats fashionable again:

But most of you know Scooby from his comfortingly genuine, and genuinely helpful YouTube videos.

As with any public figure, Scooby had his share of ridicule. He was accused of taking steroids, and of being gay (neither of which are bad things, but haters gone hate). Hell, I have even jabbed at his sometimes goofy demeanor. But none of that mattered to Scooby, because he knew that for all of the insults he received, he was still helping 10x as many people transform themselves into better people.

No matter your opinions on Scooby, his videos were helpful, well-intentioned, and provided sound advice for bodybuilders of all skill levels.

I can only dream of one day attaining the kind of bodybuilding fame that Scooby achieved (over 185 million views on his YouTube channel). The kind of fame that makes people threaten your family? That is a dream worth writing for.

Scooby1961’s videos and enthusiasm for bodybuilding will be sorely missed.

-Tony “Two Gun Salute for Scooby” Muscoli

P.S. Scooby, if you are reading this, and you need some buff dudes to stand outside your home and fight off the swolehating neckbeards of 4chan, Two Scoopers will answer the call. Swoldiers in arms.

This is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov:

And this is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov on his way to the gym:

The Gains Gremlins don’t stand a chance when Alexey is riding his Segway.

Notice the complete lack of cardiovascular exercise. This is why Lesukov is a pro and you are not; his commitment to the anti-cardio is unparallelled.

The Gains are strong in this one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Check out this stiff, proclaiming that people shouldn’t feel “forced to go to the gym because of today’s idea of what’s a good body.”

Listen Swift, being shredded isn’t “today’s idea of what’s a good body,” it is nature’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded is evolution’s idea of a good body, it is God’s idea of what is a good body. Being shredded IS a good body.

Today’s idea of what is a good body didn’t come about because Arnold made bodybuilding mainstream in the 1970’s. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about because Brad Pitt had abs in Fight Club. Today’s idea of a good body didn’t come about from supplement company marketing cmapaigns. Today’s idea of a good body comes from our primal instinct to be the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.

Evidence That Humans Should Be Shredded by Nature

Do you think Tarzan would have been happy being a fat ass, rolling around on the jungle floor getting eaten by fire ants and snakes and shit? No, he was happy being a shredded monkey cunt swinging from the trees and impregnating Jane to make the manchild Korak.

Today’s idea of good body? Edgar Burroughs wrote Tarzan of the Apes in 1912.

Do you think Michelangelo would have been happy if he had carved David into a fatass?

No. The Statue of David is statuesque because David is cut up:

Today’s idea of a good body? The Statue of David was carved in 1504.

Do you think Greek Gods were ever thought to be out of shape?
Do you think Zues was ever portrayed as a pear shaped amoeba? No.
Do you think Ares, God of War, was a scrawny little Joffrey fucker? No.
Check out this statue of Herakles, son of Zues:

Herakles took his two scoops for sure.

Today’s idea of a good body? Lysippos created the original version of the statue in the 4th Century B.C.E.

Do you think ancient Egyptians idealized un-shredded deities? No.
Check out the V-taper on the Hawk-Man-God:

Today’s idea of a good body? Ancient Egyptian craftsmen first began to create wall paintings and use hieroglyphic symbols around 3500 B.C.E.

Forced to Go to The Gym

We don’t feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because of societal pressures to look fit. We should feel forced to go to the gym for an hour a day because, as a species, we were are designed to spend our days outside hunting and gathering shit. Instead, we spend our days staring at a computer, blogging about how we shouldn’t be spending our days staring at a computer.

So that feeling of being “forced” to go work out, is your lazy ass trying desperately to hang on to the tiny shred of primal instinct it has left.

Happy with Life = Being Shredded

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

(Source: shreddingdonna)